Is it actually just about a sandwich? Yeah, I guess it is.

From time to time, I really enjoy a nice grilled cheese sandwich. Melt a bit of sharp cheddar (Tillamook extra sharp is my favorite, if I can find it here in LA -- there's some embargo which usually prevents anything better than plain old sharp from making it to our stores) and dip it in a spot of French's plain old yellow mustard before each bite, and I am a happy, happy guy. (I just wrote "man," then erased it. Then I wrote "dude" and erased that and tried "man" again. Then, I wrote "Dennis," which made me laugh really hard. Then I settled on "guy."

So. I'm trying my very best not to get some sort of unhappy cold thing which currently involves a whole lot of coughing and this weird heaviness in my chest. It started after the 5K yesterday, and by last night it required the use of some Advil. Today, I've mostly felt like shit, but this afternoon, my body said, "Hey! You there! Old Woman!"

Nah, I'm just kidding. I really want to go into a whole Holy Grail quote-fest, but this entry is already far too silly.

My body said, "Hey, guy, dude, dennis, man, dude, manguy, guymanndude, guy, I want a grilled cheese."

"Whatever you say, Mr. BIllboard," I said.[1]

I grabbed two pieces of the best bread ever, which is called Sheepherder's Bread (it comes from Trader Joe's.) Then I grabbed two slices of Tillamook sharp cheddar and shook my fist Northward at whoever is preventing the extra sharp goodness from making its way to my door. I decided that since I'd be burping cheese the rest of the night (gross!) I may as well burp ham and cheese, so I grabbed some ham out of the meat drawer and put it on the bread and closed the whole thing up. Then, I did something really white trash: instead of butter, I sprayed some cooking spray on the pan . . . and on the bread, too.

I know. Gross. Deal.

So I turned on the burner, and began turning this mass of meat, bread, cheese, and cooking spray into the glory which is a grilled ham and cheese.

Until, uh, I forgot to turn the heat down after a second, and the bread charred a little bit.

No worries, I thought, I'll just flip it over, turn the heat down, and when it's time to eat this bitch, I'll do it after-school-1982-style: scraped with a knife into the sink. Yeeeeaaargghh!

I flipped it, turned down the heat, and walked to the dining room hutch to get a plate. When I came back into the kitchen, there was far too much smoke coming off the skillet to be good.

I learned an important lesson: spraying with cooking spray may be easier than slathering with butter, but it burns at a much lower temperature than butter does, which results in an after-school-1979-style grilled ham and cheeese: scraped with a knife into the sink, with most of the cheese still cold and unmelted except at the edges. And the ham is lukewarm too.

Not even the mustard could save it, and I'm burping ham and cheese for nothing.

[1] After the abomination that was last night's sad attempt to do a tired old parody of My Fair Lady, I hereby announce that The Simpsons has leaped the shark, and harpooned it from orbit. AAaayyy.

Comments

[whenigodeaf]

The best way to cook a grilled cheese is to put one piece of bread in the pan, with the cheese on it, then put the lid on the pan while it cooks--helps the cheese melt good. Then put the other piece of bread on it and flip.

[kapgar]

I dunno about the whole mustard thing, but I will agree on grilled cheese. And we've been buying this new Brownberry Country White bread that just makes it that much better.

Num.

[KenVanBrunt]

Actually Wil, I think all the Tillamook Sharp Cheddar Cheese has been routed to all the Johnny Rocket's along the California coast.

Hey, gotta blame somebody.

Oh, and after the hockey puck incident with the burgers and your black bread incident with the grilled ham and cheese perhaps Uncle Willie should just steer clear of the open flame altogether?

[Wil]

What I have to do is stop walking away from the area where I'm cooking, because I see a red balloon or a butterfly, or get bored or whatever.

[tuzanoore]

That, i must admit, was a spectacular post to read.

[xmas74]

I thought my daughter and I were the only people who must have grilled cheese with a side of mustard! Personally, I prefer an extra-sharp cheddar and baby swiss mix on multigrain bread and then a nice side of yellow mustard to dip the sandwich in, bite per bite.
I've received some nasty looks from waitresses over the years whenever I've ordered my grilled cheese with a small bowl of mustard on the side. Glad to hear someone else does it too.

[Kelly]

Funny, knowing that my husband craves tomato soup and grilled cheese when it gets rainy, tonight I stopped at TJ's to stock up on supplies and then had my husband teach me how to make grilled cheese sammiches as I have never done so before. And they came out just a little too brown, but still good! Especially with TJ's Tomato and red pepper soup.

[glaukopis]

Costco sells extra sharp Tillamook cheddar.

[Alan]

This post brought to you by the fine people from Tillamoock Sharp Cheddar, Sheepherder's Bread, and Splunge Cooking Spray.

Remember, when you want your food to be great, but possibly not, and I'm not being indecisive here, use Splunge Cooking Spray!

[Mr. Dark]

We get Tillamook Extra Sharp at Costco. Great price, too.

[AubreeAnn]

(Wil, I'm going to have to trust your instincts on this Type Key thing...)

For a real treat, try making grilled cheese on Gluten Free bread (found at WholeFoods). It is more porous (but still, somehow sturdier than white bread) and so the cheese melts all through it. Pair with a bowl of Annie's Tomato Soup (Found at TJs) and no sppon is needed.

YUM!

[starshine_diva]

Any kinda cheese is amazing!!

"That's some good cheese, Gromit!"

hihihihi

Anyways, I used to love grill-cheese machine grill cheeses. But now, my boyfriend makes them in the pan. Too bad our range sucks. But it's still just soooo delicious... and greasy... and cheesy...

mmmmmmmmmmm... cheeeeese

psst: Try honey-dijon mustard. AMAZING!!!

[Gwen]

You can also get special high-heat cooking spray at Whole Foods.

[caitlinalicia]

My grandma used to make a mean grilled cheese sandwich. That was about all my siblings and I lived off of when we'd visit her. Until I die, I'll probably always associate her with grilled cheese sandwiches, which I'm not sure if that's amusing or just pathetic. But since I'm now a vegan, my sister's now raw, and we give my brother shit if he eats cheese around either one of us, we pretty much stick to peanut butter and bread when we visit.

[Pokerwolf]

Cheddar cheese?

That's not a grilled cheese sandwich! Grilled cheese sandwiches are made with AMERICAN cheese!

Cooking spray too. Wow, Wil. You're going for a serious Franken-sandwich here or you're showing your LA white trash roots. :P

On a completely different note, I didn't know you were called Dennis!

Awesome stuff, Wil. Keep it up!

[randy]

Dude, just a tip, before you get ready to make your grilled cheese, take the butter and put it in a bowl and microwave it and melt it. Then just spread it over the bread, dont put any in the pan....browns up abs perfect and tastes wonderfull. Try it sometime i guarantee you will like it.

[slackferno]

Foreman grills make the bestest grilled cheese (and monte cristos) in Western civilization.
(I was taken to a casino this weekend for a monte cristo served with port wine sauce, and I'm still thinking about it.)
Jake Johannsen used to have a line about having trouble making toast because he'd get distracted by toast-time tasks. Good to see we're not the only ones.

[Takashi Toyooka]

You blog about burning a grilled cheese sandwich, and it's fascinating.

I hate you.

[David Wright]

It's nice to see another fan of Tillamook cheese (I live in Corvallis, not far from Brownsville). I didn't even know that Tillamook cheese ever made it farther south than Ashland. But for my money, the extra sharp is far too sharp. If there were a level of sharpness between sharp and extra sharp, that would be perfect.

[Chuck]

Hey Wil, I have had similar bad grilled cheese experiences myself. I'm usually too lazy to grill, fortunately.

Going on runs is a good way to catch a cold...it's happened to me a couple times. If you're in the early stages, I recommend giving Airborne or a generic equivalent a try. I know there's no science behind why it should help, but it really did seem to stave off a cold for me twice this winter. I live in Wisconsin so COLD is something I get to experience a lot here.

[killerbobjr]

TJ's has some extra sharp cheddar that's pretty good. I used to like Tillamook, but my skin would get itchy with plugged up pores after eating it (gross, I know). The TJ's organic sharp cheddar (no extra sharp organic available unfortunately :-( ) is my current favorite -- melts evenly and has none of that slightly bitter aftertaste most sharp's leave. Cheese omelets made with it are just too delicious.

Great, now I've made myself really hungry! Thanks for nothing Wil.

[illaheebaby]

i have never dipped a grilled cheese sandwich, but my friend swears by worcestershire sauce for his.

and i hate you now. i am in japan where bread is an inch thick. and the ham is paper thin and not really very yummy. so a grilled cheese sandwich is out of the question for me!

[tallasiandude]

My solution to the hard-butter-on-soft-bread problem is to melt the butter in the pan first and then basically mop it up with the two slices of bread. Then place the cheese on the bread until melty and then put the slices together.

I'm also a fan of the dijon mustard, although I put it in the sandwich. In fact, if you're ever up in New England, my personal vote for the best sandwich ever is at this diner in Portsmouth, NH called the Friendly Toast. They have a sandwich called the "Mr. Haegar" which is a grilled cheese made with dijon mustard, horseradish sauce, cheddar cheese, pickles and tomatoes on two thick slices of homemade bread.

Yum.

[Aja]

Hi, Will. I'm new to posting comments in your blog, and I felt this was the perfect entry to put my first comment in. It's not everyday I can read something totally random and feel all happy and smiley inside. Thanks. :-D

[Becky..Absent Minded Housewife]

My mom can't cooked. Even your afterschool special ham grilled cheese turned out better than what she served. No mom, don't use the cheez whiz.

Tonight I was craving rice pudding...and it turned out FABULOUS. Made it on the stovetop with whole milk, egg yolks, brown sugar, the vanilla with the extra alcohol content and cream cheese. I am NOT sharing.