climb so high and gain so low

"May the road rise with you."
    -PiL

All this week, Shane Nickerson is publishing older blog entries that never made the cut for one reason or another. He introduces each entry with a brief comment about it, then shares some wonderful writing that clearly deserved to make it past the internal censor who often paralyzes writers actors actors/writers guys like us.

This one, in particular, hit me where I live:

If you want the secret, I have it.

It's about the work. Regardless of your chosen profession or station in life, the work is what matters. Skip it and you will be caught. Slack off, and others will catch up to you. Cut corners and you will have to answer to yourself at some point.

Of course, that said, the hardest question to answer once it is assumed that hard work is part of the equation is, "Now, what do I work on?" Whatever you love. Work on whatever you love and don't think about the payoff, but instead the road. If part of your road is a continual hunt for a payoff, so be it, but pick a life and career that makes you happy even in the very pursuit of the thing you've chosen.

A couple of days ago, I had an epiphany: Around the time I came to Exile, I drove right off my Road. I started to take an interesting little side trip, (mostly to Prove To Everyone that I could do it) but I lost my map and couldn't find my way back. I was so thoroughly off my road, I didn't even realize I was driving around in circles and down dead end paths until it was way too late, and I was running out of gas.

Set phasers to Ramble, Mr. Worf:

 

When I went to the Grand Slam convention last weekend, I kept expecting to feel bad about it. I kept expecting to feel like I was a loser for going without anything new to show off and I really worked myself up about it. I really felt like I was in exactly the same place I was five years ago, and that seriously bummed me out.

But when I got there, that anticipated feeling never arrived. Despite my best initial efforts to really feel like a jerk, I really had a good time. I didn't feel bad; I felt like I was at home. I felt like I was surrounded by like-minded people who all wanted to celebrate this stuff that we all love, and I felt like I had something unique and interesting to share with them. I loved how good and how right that felt, and at some point over the weekend, I realized that even though I was hanging out at a con, I'm not in the same place I was five years ago. I've grown as a writer, I've grown as a husband, and I've grown as a father. I'm smarter and wiser than I was five years ago, even if I haven't accomplished as much as I'd hoped. There is no denying that I haven't done what I'd hoped to do with acting or writing, but in all the other areas that truly matter, I've rolled several critical successes.

You know how everything happens for a reason? If I hadn't gone to that convention and simply enjoyed the celebration of Sci-Fi and Sci-Fi fandom, if I hadn't realized, accepted, and acknowledged that I really have grown and succeeded in the last five years, I wouldn't have found the map back to my Road. Without it, I never would have been in the right place to have so much fun with the hosting audition, and I wouldn't be waiting right now to hopefully hear good news about that job.

I thought about the last line of Just A Geek the other day, which I thought went something like, "I'm finally cool with all the Star Trek and Sci-Fi stuff, and I'm happy about that."

I just looked it up, and that's not what it says. It actually says that I'm doing something that really makes me happy, which at the time was writing. It says a lot about my current state of mind, (and the unvarnished truth about myself at this moment) that I thought it said I was happy about my work on Star Trek and I was cool with all that stuff, though, doesn't it?

When I watch TNG on G4, (and I do, almost every night,) no matter how hard I try to feel sad, or maudlin, or regretful, I just can't do it. I see my friends, and I have fond memories of working with them. I see my work, and I feel proud (when I'm not laughing at the Ugly Grey Spacesuit) of a lot of the things I did with what I was given to work with. As a bonus, watching lots of TNG has brought back happy, lucid memories of of all sosrts of things I did when I was a teenager: I get flashes of painting 40K armies in my dressing room, going to Depeche Mode concerts with my friends, watching movies like The Hidden and Alien Nation and Prince of Darkness at the AMC in Burbank with Darin when it was just 10 theatres (and 10 was HUGE back then), and going to different conventions all over the country to celebrate Star Trek. Of course, as I described in Just A Geek, there came a time where I didn't have fun at the cons, and I started to resent them, but even those memories are hard to pull up as I watch these shows from the second and third seasons. Is it selective memory? Of course it is, and I'm totally fine with that.

I know I went over this in Just A Geek and Dancing Barefoot, but it's worth it for me to go over it one more time: I don't have to avoid or run away from science fiction because I was a big part of a huge science fiction franchise, and I didn't have the acting success I'd hoped for when I quit. I was a science fiction geek long before I was Wesley Crusher, and I'll be a science fiction geek for the rest of my life. I can't run away from fandom, because I can't run away from myself. I can't run away from who I am. Resistance is futile.

When I read Shane's post earlier this week, I initially responded to what he said about the work. But as I reflected on it, I kept thinking about the Road. When I knew what my Road was, I knew where my Road was, and I knew how to get back on it. I wasn't as far off it as I thought, in fact. I just had to turn the wheel and step on the gas. It also helped to drive with my eyes open for a change.

My Road is paved with d20s and TRON DVDs and Atari 2600 games. It's lit by the glow of TNG and BSG episodes and the soundtrack is by Vangelis. It's patrolled by Rover and they sell Soylent Green in the rest stop vending machines. The speed limit is 42, but if you flash your Bavarian Illuminati card, you can use the FTL drive to make it to Milliways in time for dinner.

I'm back on my Road, and nobody can take the sky from me.

Comments

[fitzwillie]

Very nice, Wil. Sounds like you just had to make a Wil(power) roll to save vs. losing your identity. Now that you've criticaled with your pen of vorpal wisdom (+4), your hp are regenerated, and you can employ all your skills and feats again.

Wow, can I come up with any more D&D metaphors?

[cara stidham]

Plan and simple:
I have been reading your site for the past few months, and I just want to say how much I enjoy it. When you do feel you are off your road, just know that there are people out here who enjoy what you write, and STILL enjoy watching you in TNG:)

[Samantha]

Thanks for that post Wil. Shane hit the nail on the head, and you just drove the point home. Glad to see you've found your Road again.

[kelly jeanie]

Great post. Love the geek references at the end. :) Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Can't wait to hear your good news.

[camgaroo]

That was wonderful to read. You are very talented and it's good to see you recognizing that again. Keep on truckin'.

[starshine_diva]

Awwwwwwww...
That was a great post!! :)

Well written, fun to read, and just, well, inspiring. :)
Thanks!

Also, Spike TV has restarted the TNG series... and it's soooo funny! I just saw the first ever Wil Wheaton as Wesley Crusher line. :P

"Where no one has gone before"

LOVE it! :)

[Knightwork]

As it has been said, Life is what happens while you make other plans. Keep on keepin' on...

[leon]

Dude,

You are so much smarter than me. And yet so much more insecure than me, it's weird. Take care Wil, you will get to where you want to be. In time. Anyway, i still will admire you, for beeing a writer, actor or human -f-ing beeing.

Have a beer man, i will and a cheer to you !

Leon

[Pookie]

yay !

that's all I wanted to say.

[shauna]

You're awesome.

'Nuff said.

[Astin]

DANGER! DANGER, WIL WHEATON! GEEK OVERLOAD!

Could you have crammed a couple more Sci-Fi refrences in that last metaphor? I sense a lack of Star Wars, B5 and Matrix in there. :)

This is all stuff you should have been quite aware of when you posted your lament a couple weeks ago. Might I suggest you print out this entry, in a GREAT BIG BOLD FONT, and post it above your monitor?

You keep rambling, we'll keep reading.

BTW - Great little HU tourney last night to go with the regular one. One of these days I'll get past that bubble into the money... I hope it's before I go broke trying.

[EnvoyPV]

It's good to be a sci-fi/fantasy geek.

Astin...always nice when the name travels between virtual locations, isn't it?

[prof_rocko]

Wil,

This is what I meant when I said in a post a couple of weeks ago that your blog resonates with me. Take these lines from today's post:

"I didn't feel bad; I felt like I was at home. I felt like I was surrounded by like-minded people who all wanted to celebrate this stuff that we all love, and I felt like I had something unique and interesting to share with them. I loved how good and how right that felt..."

That is EXACTLY how I feel when I go to an Astronomy conference! I feel *at home*. I know that is my Road, and I am where I should be.

I am happy you have spotted that elusive Purple Cow! And I hope you hear back from SciFi soon. Waiting stinks.

[Ark]

Holy crap, Wil. PiL? All of my old PiL is on cassette and lost to the ages. I might need to go on a CD buying spree as its been FOREVER since I've heard it. The scary part is I think I have recalled all the lyrics to the song you quoted. "I could be wrong....I could be right."

My first concert was a PiL show in Chicago when I just entered high school.

Thanks for the memory.

[Rhettro]

It's an awesome time to be a scifi geek, with all the movies, books, games and internet fan sites. I for one, would love to see you in another scifi series.

[Joe]

Ain't it funny how when you have a positive thoughts re-inforcing your aura, things begin to fall into place with your having to verbalize anything?

Well, you did verbalize, but it was just a description of your positive re-awakening.

Sometimes, when you emerge from your darkness, you appreciate how bright everything around you actually is. Darkness has a purpose that cannot be dismissed.

Welcome back to your highway!

[Jonathan Dobres]

I started reading your blog just as you set up shop in Exile. I'm a little OCD and was daunted by the task of catching up on your massive archives, so your temporary switch to Typepad seemed like a good place to jump in.

I had no idea that you felt you were in such a downturn these past few months. I've really enjoyed the things you put out there (especially the long podcasts).

This entry was inspiring to read, and I'm glad you've come to terms with your successes and failures, your moments of pride and embarrassment. Healing through science-fiction, as it were. :)

[asalsman]

I thought that was an amazing and honest entry. I shed a little tear (not sarcasm), and then you brought it back to the truth of it all with your last paragraph:

You are just a geek. And we are so damned lucky you are.

Keep rocking, Uncle Willie. You can do anything.

[AngieZ]

Awesome post, Wil. Thank you.

[Jules]

I am totally digging your Road Wil. May it rise up to meet you. :-)

[Astin]

EnvoyPV - Yup, I've been surprisingly lucky in that regard. Since I've used this alias for 15+ years now (back to those heady days of BBSes and CompuServe/Prodigy). Seldom have I had to alter it.

Of course, now everyone thinks I'm part of the Astin family...

[honeythunder]

One of us. One of us. ONE OF US!!!! Yeah, you're smart, witty, talented and a total geek. (I mistyped "geek" as "gook" and laughed for a good five nminutes...) Anyway, I came to WWdN many moons ago and since then I've lurked, wandered off to look at shiny things, lurked some more and I've come to realize that YOU ARE THE SHIT!! (in a good way) Thanks for being so open to those of us in the intervoid. (Intervoid? Hmm, I like that...)

I can't help but wonder - will you be rocking Final Fantasy XII on the 360?

[justme]

Reality checks ... priceless.

And Wil, my dad gave me two pieces of advice I'll share with you. One: Do your best, and forget about it. Two: When in doubt, give it gas.

Words to live by.

*still hoping for good news*

[honeythunder]

I totally forgot to post this link. It's so surreal it's a geek/fangirls dream come true. It's Depeche Mode - singing in motherf-ing SIMLISH.

http://archives.depechemode.com/video/exclusives/sufferwell_sims.html

Word.

[jhankins]

This is totally what I meant about "batter recharge" for you, Wil. You're getting focused and back on track and you're reconnecting with yourself and your loves in life. I have always admired you and see much of myself in our generational sharing of Geekdom.

Mojo still heading your way from the desert!