i find it hard to tell you, because i find it hard to take

Last night I watched an amazing episode of TNG called Family.

It is a truly wonderful episode that focuses on the human element of Star Trek. It is very dark and very heavy. It deals with the consequences of some very serious events from earlier in the series: Picard's assimilation by the Borg and subsequent stint as Locutus, Worf facing his parents for the first time since his discommendation in Sins of the Father, and Wesley's first face-to-face meeting with his father, Jack Crusher, via a holographic message which Jack made for him when Wesley was born.

It is a fantastic opportunity for the Patrick, Michael and me to take a brilliant script, filled with wonderful dialogue and complex relationships, and show the world what we can do as actors.

Partick and Michael are brilliant. They make the very most of every single scene, especially when Michael deals with the conflict between Worf's need to suffer for his discommendation with his obvious love for his parents, and when Patrick finally lets Picard's fall completely apart as he acknowledges how helpless he felt at Wolf-359 and deals with its aftermath. It is a Ron Moore script that previews the depth and pathos that I have come to love on Battlestar Galactica, and they are absolutely outstanding in it.

And me? Ron gave me a chance to really shine, to explore some complex emotion and take Wesley beyond the two-dimensional caricature I often complained he'd become. I finally had a chance to explore and perform a human side of Wesley as he sees the face of his father and hears his voice for the first time in his life. I finally had a chance to really do something after years of saying "Aye, sir, warp six, sir" . . . and I fucking phoned it in. I sat there and I made all my stupid little faces and acted like I cared, but It's painfully clear that I was halfway out the door. I totally and completely blew it. I was ashamed as I watched my eighteen year-old self last night, and rather disgusted by the time my scenes were over.

I looked extremely tanned, so the episode was probably shot in summer, and I'm sure I would have rather been at the beach with my friends instead of wearing a spacesuit on stage nine, but it's no excuse. I was expected to be professional and do my job, and instead I was a bullshit hack who didn't show up for work. I suppose the director could have knocked me into shape, but who knows what was going on at the time for him? And who knows if I would have even listened to him? After all, I was eighteen and I knew everything. I had the whole world figured out.

There were so many opportunities in that scene: opportunities to look at him and try to see myself in his eyes or hear myself in his voice; opportunities to make a rare emotional connection with a scene that didn't involve a lot of techno babble and opportunities to just be simple and honest and truthful. As an actor, I should have thought about all the things we never got to do together, I should have done everything I could to stretch the moment out as long as possible, so the audience is left thinking that Wesley is going to sit in that holodeck and sob and miss his dad and watch that thing over and over for the next several hours. At the very least, I certainly should have allowed myself to feel the resulting sense of loss, but as a fucking douchebag teenager I didn't feel anything. I'm pretty sure I walked into stage nine completely full of myself, and didn't stop checking my watch until I was done with the scene.

Jesus, what a pathetic waste. What a complete and total fucking waste. On that day, I didn't deserve to wear that uniform, and I certainly didn't earn the right to call myself an actor.

It is such a great episode, and I'm so ashamed and disappointed that I didn't realize it at the time. 

Ron, if you happen to read this: I am so sorry. When I saw you at Grand Slam, I thanked you for all the gifts you gave me over the years; I'd forgotten about this one (probably because I didn't appreciate it at the time, in all my teenage arrogance and I am so sorry that I disrespected your work and didn't honor the gift you gave me. Your work deserved better, and I was too much of an idiot to live up to the material. I can't imagine what it must have been like to create something so wonderful, only to watch it destroyed by an arrogant and entitled teenager. I am so, so sorry.

I have learned much since I was eighteen. In fact, I became aware of what a douche I was about a year after I filmed this episode, and realized that I need to get the hell out of Hollywood and find out who I really was and who I wanted to be. I spent the next three years working all that shit out, looking at myself in the mirror every day until I could truly say that I liked the person I saw reflected back.

These days, I don't take anything for granted, and I always do my very best to rise to the challenge of the material I'm lucky enough to be given. I wouldn't change anything about my life, because the person I am today grew out of the person I once was . . . but I'd sure like a chance to take that wonderful material and do it justice.

Hopefully, I'll get to watch an episode tonight that I can feel proud of.

(image from Memory Apha)

Afterthought - I put a version of this in comments, but here it is for the rest of all y'all (or is it all y'alls? all of y'alls?): It is important to me to examine and reflect on my life, whether it's something I'm fiercely proud of, like my performance in Best of Both Worlds I & II, or something I'm not proud of, like the things I've written about here.

When Family was over last night, I had a visceral feeling of shame and regret as strong as the feeling of terror I had writing about my first day of high school yesterday. It's lived in me all day, so I finally decided to write about it tonight.

I don't intend for this to become some sort of big pity party for me or anything, and by writing this, I don't feel that I'm sitting in a funk, dwelling on the past, wasting he present (I've done lots of that in the last few years, and I think I've hung on that cross enough, thank you.)

I absolutely love who I am today, both as a creative writer/actor and as a person. When everything is stripped away and I am left with nothing but my naked soul, I am very comfortable with what I have. I wouldn't have that if I didn't reflect on all the peaks and valleys of my life, including moments like these.

Now that I think of it, if I didn't have such respect for Ron Moore, and if I hadn't just seen him two weeks ago, I may not have had such a profoundly powerful reaction to my performance (or lack thereof) in his episode.

Anyway, if I didn't tear down the wall from time to time, I'd just sit here and wait for the worms to come, and nobody wants that. Trust me.

Comments

[sheenaramone]

Jeepers, Wil, don't beat yourself up. We would all love to do that age over, but we can't.

[Kemaris]

Wil,

It's good you learned, and it's good you grew, and it's good you acknowledged your debts...but lighten up. That's why they call it "experience"...because you had to go through something in order to learn something you would have no way of knowing otherwise.

[Kemaris]

Wil,

May I also say how grateful I am that my own bone-headed teenage years aren't documented in film and iconic television for all to see? Seriously, Wil, you've got nothin' on most kids that age...just, your stuff is on film for you to see in all it's glory, is all. The rest of us get to gloss it over with the blissfull editing software that is the human memory.

[batgnome]

I think it's a prerequisite to be a jackass at that age.

[starshine_diva]

Aawwwwwww...

I'm sorry you feel that way sweetie. Sure, you could have done more with the episode, but like the others said, you were 18, and you were a celebrity with fame getting to your head. But it could have been worse. You could have totally screwed it up, and had people criticizing you for that forever.

Sweetie, don't beat yourself up about it. Your fan wagon still loves you :P

And we especially love these heartfelt posts. Especially those that give us special insight into the world of Star Trek.

<3

[Kim the fangirl]

Wil, don't beat yourself to death over this. I'm with the other posters (all two of them as I type), especially Kemaris - you had to be a pod person on camera for all the world to see. It's sad that you feel like you threw away an opportunity, but you've obviously grown and learned since then.

Your post here makes me think about my own greatest hits as a teenager. I know how hard it is to cringe at memories. Apologizing to the people who you think you've disappointed is a big step. The absolute hardest part is forgiving yourself. Hang in there.

[kaitlinf]

Hey Wil--Just sort of echoing what others are saying here, but I'm sure if all of us had our 18 year old self in film form we'd be disgusted with how we all "phoned in" life at that point. I think about this often when I think of young stars like Lindsay Lohan who get a bad rap for doing stupid things, and I think, "how many of us didn't do stupid shit when we were that age? We just didn't have the film crew or the ET types to point it out over and over." I sympathize with people like that, and I sympathize with you for looking back and feeling that way.

For the record--and I mean this, though you may doubt it--that is one of my favourite episodes of TNG, especially that moment.

My father died almost two years ago and I often picture an opportunity like the one Wesley has in that episode--to see and hear him again. The closest I get are dreams, which are a "holodek" in themselves, I suppose.

Just know that your performance may not have struck others the way it did your watchful eye. Just like we don't see all the takes that contain mistakes (save for on blooper reels), we don't see the depth of what you were dealing with in your personal life on that screen. What I see there is a kid who's confused and hurt and trying to come to terms with what he's seeing--it strikes me as being very real and very moving.

So, there. Take that, for what it's worth.

[CarolP]

Nobody's perfect. And you "phoning it in" is still better than Tom Cruise's best day's work. So, ha!

I'm not an actor, so I can't say if you lived up to your potential that day, but from where I'm sitting it was believable, emotional and enjoyable to watch. Coulda, shoulda, woulda won't help you any now, Wil. If anything I think you should beat yourself up for beating yourself up! (Not that you're not entitled to vent now and again)

I love that episode and always try to catch it when it re-airs. If you are determined to watch Family and see the downside then you should definitely watch First Duty and see the upside. It's only fair.

[Colleen]

Hey Will, how many things can most of us point to from age 18 and say "hey I handled that beautifully!"?

At age 18 most of us experimented with things we shouldn't have and were awful to the people who loved us the most. I am so lucky that the world won't remember me as the partially head-shaven, combat boot wearing in-your-face teenager I was. I look back at your work on ST:TNG with fondness because I was a teeager too and could relate to you. Looking at Ron's work through a 30-something's experience isn't what he was looking for. He was looking for a teenager's experice to show through, it did. But we all love you for the inner dialog anyway!

[Wil]

Oh, and I didn't intend to throw a big pity-party for myself. I just had this visceral reaction to the show last night, it's been sitting with me all day long, and I felt like marking this moment in my blog.

[CarolP]

We know that Wil!! And hey how come no poker tonight?

[Danyiel]

Wil, first off, I'd just like to say that I love the title to this post, because it's a quote from one of my favorite Tears for Fears songs of all time. Hawesome title!

As far as you lamenting what happened all those years ago when you were exerting your perfectly normal teenaged arrogance, just keep in mind that as cliché as it sounds, when you dwell on the things that you've done in the past, you're only robbing yourself of your future.

I happen to think that who you are in the present day is a person that I honestly and completely admire, and I'm sure that I'm not alone with my opinion of you.

We do continue to come back and read your entries day after day, after all. Never doubt the Monkeys, Wil, we love you and what you have to say, because you let us into your world and make us feel like we're a part of it. So thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, it's truly appreciated!

Now smile, mmmkay?

[One]

you missed quite a few minutes of your present, while writing and dwelling on your past.

hmmmm...i dunno...seems like a waste of time.

but that's just my opinion.

i'm not very familiar with your acting work, but find your writing very interesting.

good luck w/ things.

[towers16]

Try looking at it differently. Instead of looking at it as a wasted opportunity, take your entire body of work and watch the progression. You will see a lot peaks and a lot of valleys in your performances. But I think you will see that with each successive job your peaks get higher and the valleys shallower.
There is know way you were near the actor you are today back then. So stop holding your younger days to the same standards you hold your self to today.

[ElizabethDay]

Thanks for the honest words, it's one of the reasons why I keep coming back to your site everyday.

Cheers!

[magdala]

I remember that episode: the first time I saw it, I was watching it from my sister-in-law's patio (because she was living in a "nonsmoking" rental and I was a practicing smoker at the time), and I distinctly remember watching the suave Captain Picard rolling around in the mud with another middle-aged man and thinking, "That has to be his brother; only a sibling can make you that crazy."

(Of course I was right.)

That remembrance having been shared--

Hang the cross back up on the wall, Wil: you were EIGHTEEN years old! No one, yourself included (and in this case, *especially* you), should expect "professional" behavior from an eighteen-year-old. I have a theory, based on my own experience as a teenager and as the mother of three former teenagers: kids are born with brain *cells*, but these cells don't actually coallesce into a *brain* until said child is 25 or so. You didn't appreciate the opportunity you were given: typical. You now cringe to have to watch your teenage behavior: also typical. Most of us are far luckier: there is no permanent record of our idiot-selves as teenagers that we are forced to watch over and over. So maybe you've got a heavier karmic load, but I'd doubt it; we all of us have things we'd rather were buried that nevertheless come to light.

In any case, for your own sanity and sense of wellbeing, learn to enjoy this episode for the good in it. Is there one among us who wouldn't dearly love to go back and change some action we committed as an idiotic teenager? Of course not. So welcome to adulthood: learn to live with the moron you were, learn the lessons thereof, and move on.

[Wil]

Oh, magdala, my disappointment in myself notwithstanding, I absolutely love this episode. I love how it has minimal technobabble bullshit, and how we get to see Picard deal with the reality of his assimilation into the Borg. I've often wished that we could have seen even more of that, and even more of how he dealt with the aftermath of "The Inner Light."

I'm not hanging up on the cross, I swear! Check out my afterthought, which I probably posted while you were commenting.

And I'm sorry, but I don't get a pass just because I was 18. Regardless of my age, I was a professional, expected to do a job to the fullest of my abilities, and I know that I was capable of more than I gave in that episode. Look at The First Duty and Final Mission for examples.

[Annie was here]

Hi!

What, you were 18? No way.

Somehow, he always was this "old soul" Wesley Crusher. And if Wesley would have broken into tears for hours in that episode, it wouldn't have been Wesley Crusher.

Its over now. Wesley was a great character. And we certainly liked him. At least I did.
And lots of people like your Blog stuff.

[Danyiel]

Wil, we know that you weren't just fishing for compliments.

Those of us who have read your books and read your blog consistently know that you bear your soul for all of us, and that is one of the main reasons why we admire you so much.

You are sharing your innermost thoughts with us, and that's what keeps us coming back for more. Don't change a thing, blog about whatever your heart desires. No matter what, we're in your corner :-)!

[Annie was here]

Please, Wil, remove my previous comment! I hate it!

Just kidding (kind of...).

No, honestly, I think you are also a great writer.

Annette

[cocacola]

Wil:

I think we all look back at our younger selves and regret that we didn't have better insight at that time. That just shows us how much we've grown since then. Perhaps instead of regret at past actions we should feel good about the things that we've learned since then.

I liked that particular episode that you mentioned, as it touched on a variety of relationshops for 3 characters.

My fave Wesley episode was definitely the one where he dropped out of starfleet academy (this was the last episode where Wesley appeared). It was definitely an interesting exploration of an individual is at a crossroads to self-discovery. Congratulations you did a great job.

cheers,
Patricia from Canada

[kat]

Oh Wil - I'm sure the other comments say this (too many to read right now) but you were a child then. Maybe you were all the things you said you were - arrogant, entitled, etc.- but you've grown and changed. Maybe the episode means more to you now for the reasons in your additional note, but I keep thinking of another important aspect. You are a father now in all of the ways that count. Nolan and Ryan mean the world to you. You want them to lead good, meaningful lives and you want to be there for them. But what if you couldn't? You'd want to leave them something to find, something, like a holodeck message, so that they could hold onto you and you could hold onto them. Maybe that's why it affected you more, because as a father, you think about these things. And then you saw your younger self going through the motions, and not getting it.

[akashik]

Haven't read the post, not the comments yet (so I may sound redundant), but a big BooYah of the Tears for Fears quote/title.

[Plainsong]

I so get that feeling. I totally took for granted some of the wonderful people I got to perform with also. All I have to do is hear a snip of the peices we performed.. and the stomach turns over and I feel embarrassed like it just happened.

It's not like I dwell on it everyday or something, but I don't want to forget it either. It'll make me not take for granted other situations where I might become an @sshat.

Remember the immortal words of William Farking Shatner:

"I need my pain!" ;)

[EdwoodCA]

Ahhh... yes... akashik... "Mad World".

Seriously. One of the very best songs to come outta the 80's.

Such a distinctive song, I'd peg it for never being able to have a cover version do it justice, but that Michael Andrews version from the Donnie Darko soundtrack is great.