Geek in Review: Han Shoots First (updated)

(note: this is updated below)

This week's Geek In Review is called Han Shoots First. It ponders why Star Wars is so important to a certain generation of geeks, and why we took it so personally that the new movies sucked so hard.

It was a challenging thing to write and keep within a reasonable word count, especially because it's such a complex emotional issue, and talking about Star Wars can be like talking about religion for people (especially if they're the Jedis down under!)

After about eleven hours of Star Wars movies, though, I wondered: why exactly is the Star Wars trilogy such a big deal to some of us, even though it's clearly flawed, and ends with a bunch of muppets singing around the campfire? Why do so many of us love it so much? Why did so many of us take it as a personal affront when the new movies and re-releases didn't meet our expectations? Why did most of us go back twice after Phantom Menace, like we were in a dysfunctional relationship, hoping that if we just worked a little harder, we'd find a pony?

I intended to recap each of the movies before I got around to making my little point, but it was just too long and I ended up cutting all that stuff out. Director's cut powers, activate!

The Phantom Menace
This just sucks. From start to finish, it sucks. It's a horrible pile of shit, and I hated it so much, I had completely forgotten that Darth Maul even existed until my friend mentioned him to me today. Moving on.

Attack of the Clones
Okay, I tried to watch this one with an open mind. Honestly, I did. But . . . where in the world did they find Hayden Christensen? Out of all the actors on the entire planet they picked this guy? He has two emotions: brooding and less brooding, and it wears thin very, very quickly. Right, he's troubled. We get it. There is also an epic plot problem, mentioned to me by a reader of my blog, that never should have made it past the first draft: Anakin dreams that his mother is in trouble, so he goes back to Tatooine to check up on her, and discovers that she's been mudered by sand people.  Uhm. Why didn't anyone think to buy her freedom before this? Yeah, I know we need this moment to kickstart the birth of Darth Vader, but it seems lazy and convoluted, and just hastened my desire to get this movie over with, so I could get closer to Empire Strikes Back.

There are a few good bits, though. The CG Yoda looks incredible, and though I wasn't crazy about his big fight scene at the end, because it seemed out of character, it certainly looked cool. The reveal of the Death Star plans is satisfying, and I guess it's mildly amusing that Jar-Jar Binks is responsible for giving all the power to Palpaatine that ends up leading to the birth of the Rebellion. There's better action than Phantom Menace, and all the obvious allusions to the rise of Hitler and the Nazis are interesting, but it's not nearly enough to make up for the stiff dialogue, and total absence of chemistry between Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen. (Seriously. This is the guy? In the whole world? What the hell was Lucas thinking?)

Revenge of the Sith
It's never a good sign when a film opens up with a space battle that feels silly, but at least it gives Anakin a chance to be oh-so-serious while Ben Kenobi is a total sissy. Yeah, that's real satisfying to fans who are looking for any sign that one of these prequels isn't going to suck, and having R2-D2 suddenly develop all sorts of wacky battle abilities (in an astrodroid? Whatever you say, Mr. Lucas) doesn't help, either.

Of course, in addition to the flaws that plague the prior two films, we can add the bizarre behavior of Obi-Wan Kenobi, who ignores facts and denies the reality in front of him so furiously, he could have a cabinet-level position the Bush administration. It makes him sort of a chump, and I never like it when I feel smarter than the supposedly heroic characters I'm watching.

But once the story got going, and I realized that this whole thing was going to be about Palpatine corrupting Anakin, the film became one big game of "spot the connection to the first trilogy," and that got me through most of it. In fact, because I'm such a nerd for the first trilogy, I enjoyed the extra emotional weight moments in Star Wars and Empire now had, based upon historical details that were revealed in Revenge of the Sith.

That's as far as I got before I decided that it was too long, and didn't really add anything to the column, so I cut it. I did have the following note about Empire, though:

When Han Solo is about to be frozen, I think it's the most emotionally powerful scene in the entire saga. Chewie's gut-wrenching howls of sadness really got to me; of course, I had been watching for over five hours by that time, and felt like I was on a bus to Bat Country, but it's still incredibly powerful, and there is nothing in any of the recent films that comes close to it.

The newswire is once again SFW (at least for today it is), so give it a read, and please give me feedback; I'm very interested to hear what other Star Wars fans (and non-fans) have to say. If you're so inclined, you can Digg it or Netscape it.

Afterthought: Because I feel so strongly about Star Wars, emotion short circuited logic, and I ended up making my point (unintentionally) on my own. I try really hard not to criticize actors, because when the world is divided into "us" and "them," we actors need to stick together, and as it's been kindly pointed out to me in e-mails, it's a little pot-speaking-to-kettle for the artist formerly-known as Wesley Crusher to lay all the Anakin Skywalker business at the feet of Hayden Christensen.

My friend Chris made a great and thoughtful observation today, that has caused me to rethink my criticism of Mr. Christensen: he said the lines and followed the direction he was given. As someone who did that himself, and suffered the wrath and criticisms of geeks everywhere, I should really give him the benefit of the doubt. Considering how even extremely talented actors who have very strong track records (like Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson) came off stiff, uninspired, and disconnected from the rest of the characters and story. Maybe it's more likely that these actors were unable to overcome a director who was more interested in showing off his toys than crafting living, breathing, believable relationships. I can clearly recall being forced by weak directors on Star Trek to make obvious choices, deliver dialogue in uninteresting or unbelievable ways, and feeling really frustrated by it. Maybe something similar happened in these movies.

Episode One still sucks.

Comments

[Tom]

Yeah, but the acting in the scene where Anakin is lying in bed having a nightmare (in Part 2 I think) is hilarious.

Of course, all the stuff in parts 1 to 3 could just be George Lucas putting into action "you must unlearn what you have learned"... nah, you're probably right.

[Myshtuff]

Hey Wil I agree with you on most of the stuff you have said, but why don't you like episode 1? I am not saying its good because it is far from it, but can you give me reasons why you did not like it? I get a feeling that all adults who were around when the original trilogy came out with 4,5, and 6 hate 1,2, and 3. Its because 4,5, and 6 were close to you and you loved them and now these crazy special effects movies are coming out and you dont like them as much because of the story. But then again I also love the original trilogy alot more than then new one and im 16. Either way it is very interesting what you have to say.

P.S. I staretd reading your biography today and its fucking awesome!!!!! I was laughing in class and people were looking at me funny. :)

[RobAP]

I didn't like Phantom, Clones or Revenge that much, but I didn't exactly hate them either. Hayden Christensen was horrible as Anakin Skywalker. I think Revenge was the better of the three, but I do have some major problems with it. The first the stupid "Frankenstein" moment when Anakin physically becomes Darth Vader, and is told Padame and the kids are dead, he screams and the whole room shakes. Major problem number two is Padame such a strong character in Phantom & Clones and in Sith Padame is weak and dies of a broken heart. Gimme a break!

Another thing I hate is the way Lucas can't leave things alone. I was shocked when watching my Widescreen DVDs and seeing that the actor playing the deceased Anakin at end of Jedi was replaced by Christensen.

[mikeat5280]

You are so right on with your review of the prequels. I was in 2nd grade and the original Star Wars was the first movie I remember seeing in a theatre. I captured my imagination and I've been a fan ever since. Empire and Return of the Jedi were also great movies because they told a kickass good vs. evil story with some great (for the time) special effects as window dressing. And there's the problem with the prequels in a nutshell: They have kickass special effects with lame, pointless stories as window dressing. With all the bucks Lucas has in his wallet, you think he could afford to hire someone to fix the dozens of plot holes in his script. I mean, really, is that hard to create a back story trilogy that doesn't conflict with the classic movies? Does it bug the ever living crap out of anyone else that Leia REMEMBERS her "real mother" in Return of the Jedi but is never even held by Padme after her birth? How about the fact that R2-D2 and Obi-Wan fight the clone wars together but somehow don't recognize each other in A New Hope? I could go on, but you get the idea. Success went to Lucas' head and he hoped some great CGI special effects would gloss over three incredibly crappily written stories unworthy of his talent. His fans deserved better - and many, myself included, would've worked for free to help him fix his story before he went to production with it. Anyway...I need a drink now. Great blog, Wil. Keep it comin'.

[starshine_diva]

Busy busy, aren't we?

I LIKES!

[Shay]

My biggest problem with Revenge of the Sith was how Amidala's character was treated. She went from being a powerful Queen to waiting around for Anakin to return. And that crap about having died from a broken heart? Puh-lease.

[Shky]

Hayden can act, actually. See Life as a House (not a great movie, but he's good) and Shattered Glass for evidence. Just like Natalie Portman, he can act outside of Lucas, it's just that George is just such a terrible director that he makes everyone seem awful. Even Ewan was terrible in Clones, and few would dispute his acting chops.

[ToddCommish]

How can you complain about The Phantom Menace without mentioning the kid who single-handedly ruined the entire concept of the prequel? How could George Lucas watch the dailies with this absolute turd of an actor, and continue filming? This proved to me that Lucas was after the $$$, and all his lip service about "telling the entire story" was total hogwash.

[Wil]

ToddCommish, I did mention that. It's part of "From start to finish, it sucks. It's a horrible pile of shit."

[Thomas]

You know I always hate reveiws like "brooding and less brooding" because people always ignore that Luke was a whiny bitch through a good chunk of the first two movies with such memorial lines "but I wanted to go get power converts at Yoshi station" Luke HAD to get it from somewhere, so while I agree the character was annoying like Father, Like Son, it had to be.

[Richard Gilbert]

"I can't seem to remember ever owning a droid before..."

...Dude. You owned _this_ droid!

[gleek]

the phantom menace had a good 10 minute or so opener with some fight scenes that were worth those 10 minutes. after that, totally sucked.

and yes, i'm still pissed that gredo now shoots first. that's total BS. but i'm glad that they got rid of the scream that luke pulls as he's falling down the middle of cloud city. you remember that it was in there? in the first makeover release?

by the way, anyone who wants to re-live all these "wonderful" re-released moments can do so on cinemax this month, not that we all don't already own them on DVD ;)

[adinar]

All that is wrong with the prequels can be summed up in one word: Midichlorians. Where the heck did GL pull that out off?

When I watched the original eps (4-6), the Force was this mysterious, mystical energy that the Jedis drew their power from. That's all we needed. No one complained that the Force wasn't "explained."

Then we find out that the Jedis power come from microscopic organisms? Oh puleeeze!! He would've been better off calling the Force some type of magic instead.

The thing is IMO, the term midichlorians NEVER had to be brought up at all. There was no reason. Ugh.

My other problem with the prequels is that the dialogue is horrible, and the characters often SAY what they are doing.

[Megalion]

I'm not sure if you read the novelization treatment of Ep 2 or not but I always thought the Yoda fight scene out of that was the way it should have been filmed.

Instead of Yoda bouncing around like a psycho bounce ball, he remains almost motionless except for his hands manuevering lightning quick to defend. Basically (it's been a few years so hopefully I remember this right), he let Lee's character wear himself out while doing an intense defense as if it was a simple as brushing a fly off his sleeve.

Now THAT imagery feels right with what we know of Yoda. Except for his playfulness in Dagoba when Luke first meets him, he's always been rather serious and a seeming believer of "no wasted effort/energy".

I'd read the book before seeing the movie so I was pretty pissed off when I saw how different it was.

Before anyone chides me for reading first... I'm deaf so reading thing beforehand helps me with plot points and dialogue (sometimes it's true to the script) that gets me through the movie. Then on DVD I get the final understanding when I see it with closed captions. Anyways that's why and how I came to have a different expectation of that scene.

btw I also agree with above commenter about Amidala & Leia's Memory. Somewhere I wrote a long rant about that and something else from Ep III that escapes me for now.

My 2 cents are ...
I honestly wonder what people expected out of Ep 1? All I hear is "it's utter shit" but I never see anyone defend that with clear suggestions of what would have made it better.

The actors get a lot of blame too but if the novelization was anything to go by... they had the deck stacked against them. At least Hayden was scripted to always be so damn broody. I didn't like it either but Lucas wrote and directed the actor to play it that way.

[jcklsgk]

As other commenters have pointed out, the original weren't without there own flaws, but the first three really do suck.

Especially Ep 1, it seems to me, that the whole movie is just a framework to display the Pod Race. It doesn't advance the plot any.

there are a few things I like about about Ep 2 and 3, but just a few.

The funniest line in any of the movies, to me is in Revenge of the Sith, when Obi Wan, rebukes, Anakin by saying, "Only the Sith speak in Absolutes!"

Which is, of course, an absolute statement.

[SorenT]

When I saw Eps 1-3, I realized that Lucas is like a DM (yes, we're talking RPGs now) with a great plan, a good story, a fine head for staging cool combat encounters, but with no skill whatsoever at role-playing.

[jessiker]

I'm not so much of a geek that I won't just take my Star Wars where I can get it. Empire will always be my favorite, but I was just thrilled that there were NEW movies coming, because, actually, I've seen 4,5, and 6 so many times that I can recite the dialog. But I digress...

I totaly agree with you about Hayden -- I kind of enjoyed watching his whiney ass catch on fire. I got the feeling that Lucas took Lukes whineyness about going to pick up the "power converters" to heart, and decided it must have been geneitc. Yeesh. And I think you hit it right on the money about Han getting frozen being the most emotional scene in the entire trilogy. It affected me deeply when it first came out...I obsessed about it and I could not believe how long I had to wait for Return of the Jedi to come out for the resolve. Crazy how movies can affect us like that, but I guess that is what makes us love them so much.

Thanks for that! I enjoy reading your insights.

[Ridgewalker]

Being a critic is easy Wil so let me tell you one scene I loved in PM. Obi Wan and Anikin and fighting Darth Maul and suddenly a force field goes down between Darth and Obi Wan. So what does Obi do? Does he rage or glare? No, he sits down in a meditative posture and centers himself. How utterly cool is that!?!

[Zkid]

Ok, I logged in just now to yell at you for dissing Phantom Menace without giving any reasons as to why you didn't like it, but in the last couple of minutes I think I've realised why you hate this movie. My theory goes something like this: You hear about this movie, and everyone is saying "oh, it's the greatest movie ever, you have to go see it" and maybe you have to wait a couple of years to see it, or whatever, and all that time your expectations are getting really built up. So finally you get to see this movie, and because your expectations and the hype and everything make you expect the movie will be great, you're just really let down when (for you) the movie is waaaay below average, and you honestly thought Python was fantastic by comparison.
See, that is how I felt about The Exorcist when I saw it. I mean, all the hype makes you think it'll be the best movie ever, but really it's just lame and severely dissapointing.
So I won't yell at you for hating Phantom Menace, because I think I know how you feel.
I will say that the only reason I like Star Wars at all is because of Phantom Menace. It made so much more sense to me than V and VI, and the visuals were also way better. Return of the Jedi was the only Star Wars movie I got so fed up with that I didn't bother to finish watching it, though Empire Strikes Back came very close. And yeah, some parts of III sucked, but still, I actually watched it all. Maybe it's because I think Hayden Christensen is hot, or because I empathise with his near-constant teenage agnst, but even that makes for a better movie than (insert just about anything that happened in Return of the Jedi).

[Thirstigard P. Snippity]

Hayden Christensen.

Ironic that this particular blog would become a vehicle for complaining about "the kid who fscked everything up".

[xinpheld]

When I saw ep 1 at the theatre, it was as if Lucas had ripped out my inner child and stepped on it. I remember so clearly standing in line at 6 years old for Star Wars, and I had a little of that feeling again going in. I had nothing but bitterness going out. I'm convinced that the day that he thought of the word 'metachlorian', he had abandoned what little of himself he had attached to the project. The mysticism, the spirituality, was burned away with one word, and something that some people loved enough to get it listed as a religion in a census was betrayed outright. Maybe Lucas secretly hated all those people who get so much more out of his films than, apparently, he did. How sad that he doesn't believe in his own work.

btw - speaking of Voltron, if you hadn't heard, the original series is coming to Adult Swim later this month. 'Check local listings!'

[KLCtheBookWorm]

The only thing that got me through Episode 2 was this thought: "Jimmy Smits has to be playing Bail Organa; somebody say his name." Nope, nada, had to look it up at StarWars.com when we got home.

What got me through Episode 3: "Oh good, they FINALLY said his name! Oh wow, he's a better hero than Obi-Wan. He didn't have to go pick up anybody. Um, where's Mon Mothma?"

And then Amadalia went out like she did and I was pissed all over again. I was even MORE pissed to find out at another reviewers site (http://www.celluloidheroreviews.com/2005/11/02/star-wars-episode-iii-revenge-of-the-sith-2005/), Lucas cut the birth of the Rebellion out of the theatrical release! Couldn't we have had a little less space battle and more character stuff? With apparantly the heroine helping start the Rebellion. I thought that was a big deal. Birth of the kids, birth of the Rebellion. Oh right, that would mean Lucas had some artistic integrity about the films. *Sigh* I wish Harrison Ford had reminded him of his dialogue out of Episode 4: "You can type this sh*t, but nobody can say it." before he started on 1-3. Lucas hired scriptwriters for 5 and 6, and the Indiana Jones.

I may actually have to break down and rent 3 one day--I refuse to buy it--just to see the deleted stuff. It won't make me feel better, but now that I have 4-6 on DVD with both undoctored and doctored versions I won't give Lucas any more of my money.

[Gozer]

I think the thing that angers me most about Han Solo shooting second was the simple-minded reasoning behind the change: "Han is supposed to be one of the good guys, ergo he'd *never* shoot first! We can show him responding to an overt threat, but not taking someone unawares, even if that someone is an assassin hired to kill him!" It was ostensibly to preserve the delicate sensibilities of the young'uns watching, but really, it infantalized the entire movie and destroyed the beautiful character growth shown by Han under the influence of Luke and Leia.

Can you imagine if some busy-body with all the best intentions bought Casablanca, thereby giving him the right to change the scene at the beginning where Rick cheerfully hands over Peter Lorre's terrified thief to the cops? After all, Rick is supposedly the hero of the movie, right? He should be shown trying to hide Ugarte in the back, or preventing the police from searching the bar. It wouldn't be too difficult with a little computer work and a re-dubbing, and there's probably a Humphrey Bogart impersonator out there who need the voice work, even if he'll have to move to Casablanca himself to get away from the irate fans out for his blood immediately after.

There are just some things you do not do, and re-imagineering an important classic movie "for the sake of the children!" is not one of them. (See also replacing the guns in ET with walkie-talkies.)

[whatupdog]

I think you are partially right about the Star Wars series with the following exceptions.

Phantom Menace - Liam Neeson kept this movie from being totally lame and you have to admint that the podrace was cool.
But yes, Jar Jar binks sucks.

Attack of the Clones - I think this movie (except the ending which is like a war movie) was pretty cool.
Yoda's part was excellent.

ROTS - I hated it. I think Ewan Mc Gregor was excellent in Episodes II and III.

A New Hope - Nearly perfect. Its just hard to watch the outdated haircuts or Greedo Shoots first.

Empire - Better in some ways than a New Hope. Not as good in others (Yoda as a puppet).

Revenge of the Jedi - The first twenty minutes is probbaly the best out of any Star Wars movie. The rest of the movie is probably the worst.

I think there are three factors that affect how people feel about the Star War Movies.

1) How old you were when they came out (I was 12 for ANH)

2) The absence of Skywalker, Leia, Solo. etc.

3) The difference between the digital and real world feeling of the two series.

I think there was too much for the Prequels to live up to.

I think the marketing to kids has been a factor since day one.

[Jaradel]

A few thoughts on the prequels, and your assessment of them:

1. I am glad that you reconsidered your criticism of Hayden Christensen. I have seen him in two movies (Shattered Glass and Life As A House) where he showed significantly more range than he was *allowed* to show in the prequels. I think you're on the mark with your final assessment - Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, and Christopher Lee all have proven acting chops, and all were absolutely wooden in the prequels. I lay the blame solely at Lucas' feet. The reason why Empire was so much better than Star Wars was because Lucas allowed his story to be edited into a cohesive screenplay by Lawrence Kasdan and Leigh Brackett, and the movie to be directed by Irvin Kershner. Even Harrison Ford had told Lucas at one point during the filming of Star Wars something to the effect of "you can write this stuff but you sure as hell can't get anyone to say it" (not a direct quote, I wish I had that). Lucas CANNOT write dialogue and CANNOT direct. Problem is, there was no one like Harrison Ford to stand up to Lucas while the prequels were being filmed. By then he was too big a name, too revered, to be debated. The result were substandard movies that tarnished not only the Star Wars saga, but the cred of the actors who starred in them.

2. The novelisation of Revenge of the Sith is definitely worth a read. If only Lucas had used that novelisation as the basis of his screenplay! The dialogue in the book was SO much better than in the movie. I read the novelisation before I saw the movie - what a mistake. The movie was a total letdown compared to the book.

3. One of the saddest aspects of Episodes II and III to me (and I know this will sound silly, but I'm a girl, and I tune in on things like this) was the total lack of on-screen chemistry between Hayden and Natalie. Thing is, *offscreen* you could tell from magazine photo shoots and interviews that they had GREAT chemistry. What kind of director sucks so bad at directing that he KILLS the chemistry between his romantic leads? I so don't get it. In a broader sense, the chemistry between all the actors in the prequels was sorely wanting, in stark contrast to the awesome chemistry and interaction between Hamill / Fisher / Ford in the original trilogy. Sad. A potentially good thing (the idea of prequels) was ruined by a man who refused to let go of the stranglehold he had on his pet project. Really sad.

ETA: Sorry, Wil. This is only the second time I have left a comment on your blog, and once again I have practically written a novella.