I couldn't sleep last night, and since I don't own TiVo, and there was no Futurama on, I ended up skipping around the thousands of channels that never seem to have anything on them I really want to see.
I stopped at Open Water, something I've always been curious about, primarily wondering, "Hey, could they actually make a movie -- inspired by a tragic true story, no less -- about to people floating out in the open ocean, and keep it interesting and compelling?"
I came into the movie about 30 minutes late (thank god) and I can answer with a definitive NO.
The actors do their best with a one-note script, and though they behave the way I think real people would in that situation, the story is just too thin and boring to be worth your time. So, to save you all the pain of wondering where the last 90 minutes of your life (which actually felt more like 8 hours) went, here is a shorter Open Water (WARNING: THERE ARE TEH SPOILERS):
Man - Hey, let's go diving.
Lady - Okay.
L - Oh shit, the boat left without us. Maybe we should swim to that other boat.
M - No, let's drift and let someone find us.
L - Okay. How about we swim to that boat?
M - No, let's drift and let someone find us.
L - Okay. How about that other boat?
M - No, let's drift and let someone find us.
L&M - AH! SHARK!
L&M - Let's talk about stuff.
L&M - AH! SHARK!
L&M - Let's talk some more.
L - Ouch! Jellyfish!
L&M - Let's argue.
L&M - AH SHARK!
L&M - Let's argue some more.
L - AH! SHARK BIT ME!
M - Let's talk.
L - AH! THE SHARK CAME BACK!
M - Okay, there's a buoy. Let's hope the current takes us there.
L (and audience) - Shouldn't we swim there?
M - Nah, let's just hope the current takes us -- AH! SHARK! IT BIT ME AGAIN AND IT REALLY HURTS!
M - Okay, I'm going to die now.
L - Don't die!
M - No, I really think I'm going to die.
L - Dude, don't die!
M - Too late. I'm going to die.
L - Are you dead? Well, I guess I'm a little upset about that, but not too much. I'm going to cut you loose, and let myself sink to the bottom now.
THE END. HA! HA! FUCK YOU STUPID AUDIENCE! WE GOT YOUR MONEY!!!1 -xo, Lion's Gate Films.
Think of this as an early holiday gift from me to you: I just saved you either eight bucks, a slot in your Netflix queue, or at least 90 minutes of your life that you could spend punching yourself in the junk.
