there is no sunken treasure

A longtime WWdN reader who I've traded e-mails with on and off for a few years recently wrote:

Anyway, something I've long wanted to ask you (or have you ask yourself) is, now, what are you? Are you an actor who writes, or a writer who acts?
 
No fair thinking about it; you have to go with the first thing that comes to mind.

I didn't have to think about it at all before I replied:

This is easy: I'm a writer, and occasionally I do some voice acting. In every audition I've recently had, I haven't enjoyed it, I haven't cared about it in that life-or-death way I once did, and I've just wanted to get it over with so I can go home and get back to writing whatever it is I was working on before I had to leave and go audition.

I think it comes down to the need, and I no longer have the need to be on TV or in movies or even be on camera, really. Of course, if the perfect thing came along and I didn't have to go do the goddam monkeydance to work on it, that would be an entirely different thing; but the way the industry works today, it's all about the monkeydance, and without the need to be on camera, the monkeydance isn't especially worth my while any more.

As recently as a year or eighteen months ago, I would have struggled with that question. Now, though? Not so much.

To be a successful actor, and to survive in this industry, you have to need the work, and love the work, more than you hate the rejection and the miserable process that you have to endure to receive the frequent rejection. Honestly, I just don't need the aggravation any more.

Friday, I had an audition for the season finale of a major television show, that pretty much everyone watches. It was the sort of role that gets noticed by the industry and the audience. It was the sort of role that leads to other roles, that leads to really great opportunities in movies. There was, as they say, a lot at stake.

I really didn't have time to work on it like I normally would, because I was on a Tokyopop deadline, but the character and I shared a lot of essences, and it was very easy for me to step into his head. The audition scenes were tough, high-tension scenes that are risky: for them to work, they have to be pitch-perfect from beginning to end. It's a challenge to nail scenes like these on the set, let alone in a wood-paneled production trailer, but I prepared them fully, and arrived at my appointment confident and well-prepared.

Three minutes before I was set to go in and read for the producers, the casting director said to me, "What scenes do you have, again?"

They'd sent me twenty-one pages of sides, and I'd specifically asked which scenes to prepare, so I could save myself the wasted effort of working on ten or more pages that they didn't want to see.

"Scenes one and four," I said, "just like you told me."

I knew what was coming. I've been in these situations enough to pretty much mouth it along with him when he said it:

"We're not doing scene one. We're doing scenes three and four."

Oh. Good. Scene three, which is exactly like scene four, and doesn't provide the contrast that scene one provided. It's also eight pages long, and I have less than five minutes to prepare it.

"Do you have scene three?" He said.

"No. I do not." I said. "I prepared scenes one and four."

"And I did it when I really didn't have time to do it, because I was busting my ass on a writing project I really care about," I may have added, if I were the kind of guy who says stuff out loud instead of writing about it four days later.

He shot the casting assistant a look. Clearly, someone had fucked up.

"Give Wil scene three," he said. Then, to me, "You're next."

Awesome.

Three minutes later, I gave the absolute worst audition of my life. Seriously. When it was mercifully over, nobody said a word. Nobody would make eye contact with me. If I'd been on American Idol, Randy Jackson would have broken the painful silence and said, "It just wasn't good, dogg."

I didn't wait for them to say anything. I just nodded my head, as if to acknowledge that we'd all endured something truly awful together, said "thanks," and walked out.

In my entire career, I've never felt so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I suppose I gave the best performance I could have given, with my three minutes of preparation on an 8-page scene, but it's cold comfort.

On my way to the car, I wondered to myself, "Why do I do this bullshit? What's the point?"

It used to be different. I used to really love the whole process. Casting directors had more time to work with actors, there was a wide variety of programming available on television, and movies were a place for people to take creative risks.

These days (thanks largely to media consolidation and reality TV) budgets are smaller, television shows are largely derivative of CSI or ER, and casting directors for films won't even consider an actor who hasn't been on a one of those television shows in the last season or so. Many studios don't want to take creative risks, (in fact there is at least one major studio which won't green light a film that's not a remake.) For actors who have never known different, it's not that big a deal, but for guys like me who learned how to navigate this system in a different time, it's frustrating and depressing. Hollywood has always been filled with people who are afraid of losing their jobs from day to day, and now it's more like minute to minute. If creativity is the absence of fear, it's no surprise that there are so few original, daring, or unique television shows and movies being made.

So what am I a writer, an actor, or what? Part of me will always be an actor, but my creative passion fills a sea black with ink.

Please note that all of this goes out the window and into the Memory Hole where Heroes is concerned. I need to work on Heroes, and I'll do all the monkeydancing in the world to work on that show.

"Hello, my name is Bingo. I like to climb on things. Can I have a banana? Eek. Eek."

Comments

[Micheal]

Wil;
long time reader, first time commenter. heh like how many times have you heard that line? sorry to hear about the audition screwup. life sucks sometimes.

anyway, love your writing. been reading your blog for about 5 years or so. have your books. was here for the "oops, my blog is down this is just temporary" thing. gotta say though, the recent revamp of typepad to the current colors/comfiguration doesnt like my eyes. i've been wanting to say something sence you "upgraded" to this current version. i dont know what it is that makes my eyes water so much, but i find myself re-thinking when its time to click on your link from my "favorites" list. i dont know if its the color, background or arrangement, but IMO, none other, it sucks. i'm sorry. its just not Wil worthy. it kinda looks like you did it in a hurry and lost interest in the middle. i feal kinda bad, having read your blog for so long, and my first post is to whine about your current configuration of your site. but on the otherhand, why continue to visit a site that makes me feal slightly ill whenever i view it? so i felt i had to say something. again, i apologise for being rude. but i hadda say something.

[ToddPM]

"Hello, my name is Bingo. I like to climb on things. Can I have a banana? Eek. Eek."

Worst. Hero. Ever.

Good thing you don't write for television.

[blush response]

I'm currently taking a Writing For Television class at school and I have to say that it has made me hate television with a passion beyond repair. Your experience of this has further made me realize that the stakes are just too high and for what? I want so much to be in film, but I don't want to deal with the stresses of "making it". I write as well. I have a stack of scripts (short film) sitting on my desk, but no one to help me make these films. We have a film club, but the directors involved with that are too tied around their own self-written scripts and too up in the clouds to take a look outside the box. It's tough and I'm not even in the industry. Where is it tougher? Inside or outside. Sometimes I think I'd be happier writing blog entries for the rest of my life and having a stable job while doing film as a hobby.

In other words, Wil, I think I understand your frustration.

[Barry]

Um, I'm pretty sure it's joke and not an actual proposal for a hero.

[Stephanie]

Do you know what makes me mad? The opening credits/sequence of CSI: Miami. Yet shows like Arrested Development go off the air. 'Tis a pity.

[JP]

Just thought I'd share my own worst interview experience, as it also comes with a career change. I'd left engineering to become a videogame programmer, and after two years the company I was at shut down. I had a couple interviews that seemed only so-so, and then I interviewed at "There" - and to prove such an amusingly named thing exists:

http://www.there.com/

This was at a time when I was seriously considering going back to circuit design, and I kind of needed more education in both areas. So "There" was made up of a lot of Ph.D. types and the interview was bad. Really bad. They asked me to leave the premises after 45 minutes.

That actually made me realize how much I'd been coasting at my last job and I went back to doing independent study again and programming on my own instead of consuming Vice City for 12 hours straight. Once I got through that process, I became an much stronger candidate. I've always appreciated that interview for being a major turning point.

[ToddPM]

Hey, Barry.

You're so certain it's a joke, and yet-- well, let's just say that sometimes you have to KNOW that there's a semi-colon open parenthesis.

Especially when you're so good at spotting the jokes.

[akbar56]

Wow, all the hatred over a simple Brak reference.

Kids these days.

[Bill]

I am dying to know just which show you auditioned for, the one that 'pretty much everyone watches,' because if that's the case, I can almost guarantee you right now that I do not watch it. I don't mean to sound rude or condescending; I just happen to have preferences that differ greatly from the mainstream.

[joshua m. neff]

Funny that you blogged about this. Just the other day, I caught the end of Stand By Me on cable, and I found myself thinking, "As much as I've enjoyed seeing Wil Wheaton in films and on TV, I like his writing much more than his acting." Which isn't to say that you're a bad actor. Just that I very much enjoy your writing. I get more out of it personally than I get out of, say, that awesome ST:TNG episode when you tell off Picard and then learn how to stop time. So, screw Hollywood, and rock on with your badass writing self.

[ToddPM]

And sometimes you have to KNOW that when someone types "open parenthesis", he really means "close parenthesis".

I'm not even sure what emotion ;( conveys. Perhaps, "Get yer mitts off me Olive, Bluto"?

Anyway, Wil's writing makes me :) .

[Chris]

I hope you would monkeydance for a shot on BSG too.

[Steven E. McDonald]

So, Bingo, are you saying that were you to get a part on Heroes that you'd like to be a Beast Boy-like character?

I wouldn't mind seeing you on Heroes, to be frank with you. And it does seem less than unlikely, given that they plan to overhaul the cast on at least an annual basis.

Since putting myself through the audition process in L.A. some years back, I've never failed to have an appreciation for what actors endure there (I did it as an experiment.) I've been enjoying the proverbial kick in the teeth lately just with the few voice acting things I go after...the work can be fun, but the rejection sure as hell isn't.

Mind you, rejection in the writing game can be hellacious too. Very much so in the TV/film end of things -- I've never lost my loathing for pitch meetings of any variety, and the nature of the business in itself makes the entire experience generally less than palatable. I can appreciate the money, sure, but the physical hammering that comes with it is a killer.

So, um, mayyyybe stick to prose and comics. And think about writing something you can throw at the BBC, either for their radio side, or even for TV. You might be surprised there.

[Nika]

Do you think they made George Takei monkeydance for his part on Heroes? The folks over there are geeks just like us (the collective WWdNix readers). There has to be some fan boy PA who is just peeing his pants to suggest to the BIG BOSS, "Do you know who would be TOATLLY fuckin' cool for this part? Wil Wheaton. That dude is awesome."
Ahh, we can all hope...

[CHV]

Thanks, Wil.

I appreciate your insight into the industry. I'm also glad you're at peace with where you're at personally and professionally. Most people can't say that on their best days.

[ZB]

Working hard to get an acting role on television is like working hard to be a bass player in a cover band.

[brettcalvin]

Wil -

So have you ever considered writing for television and movies? It seems like something you'd be good at, particularly if it were SF, some sort of comic-like action thing, or just generally geeky in nature. I'd think you'd bring an additional viewpoint to it that most writers don't, having acted so much of other's people's writing. You'd be able to visualize the words and actions coming from the actor's space better than most, and also know when to spell things out and when to leave them to the actor to create.

Regards,

brettcalvin

[Marysia Kay]

I'm with you on the Heroes thing. Mind you, nobody that I am at this stage, I'd probably do the Monkey dance for any job that would pay me union rates.

[Becky in Iowa :O)]

Hell yeah! I could so see you on Heroes. I sure hope someone out there is listening and writes something for you on the show.

[Eric in PA]

Heh. Brak is funny.

[John Kiggins]

completely unrelated, aside from the monkey part, are you running for political office in 2020?

[Jeff Taylor]

This has very little to do with the point of your post, but your Brak sign off brought to mind a story. I used to have that quote "My name is Bingo" etc. as my e-mail notification. I also had a tendency not to turn my speakers off at night. One night, at about 3am my roommate's girlfriend opened his door to go to the bathroom at the precise moment when I got a very loud e-mail.

She screamed at the top of her lungs, convinced as she was that there was a knife wielding maniac right there who wanted to kill her, but first wanted to introduce himself. My roommate jumps to his feet, grabs the baseball bat, throws her back on the bed and prepares to beat this loud, but very polite assailant about the head and neck.

It only takes a few seconds for him to realize that it's my e-mail and not some masked assailant.

I slept through the whole thing.

[Chuck]

Sorry the audition didn't go well, Wil. But it was an excellent piece of writing about the process! I do hope you get some cool acting opportunities in the future, though.

[Mad Monk]

You know, it occurs to me to say that life would be a hell of a lot nicer if people just showed the tiniest bit of courtesy to each other. You know? Like that moment, when you said the casting people kept their heads down, if they had just given you a wink, even half a smile, and let you know that it's cool, I bet that long walk to the car would have been a lot different.

You deserve better.

[MacBros]

Many studios don't want to take creative risks

Is exactly why Television has gone to SHAT!

Maybe your ability to change on short notice had showd through (showd? is that a word)and was impressive enough to get you the gig.

Hello, my name is Bingo, I am from the past, do you have a message for me? Eek, Eek!