there is no sunken treasure

A longtime WWdN reader who I've traded e-mails with on and off for a few years recently wrote:

Anyway, something I've long wanted to ask you (or have you ask yourself) is, now, what are you? Are you an actor who writes, or a writer who acts?
 
No fair thinking about it; you have to go with the first thing that comes to mind.

I didn't have to think about it at all before I replied:

This is easy: I'm a writer, and occasionally I do some voice acting. In every audition I've recently had, I haven't enjoyed it, I haven't cared about it in that life-or-death way I once did, and I've just wanted to get it over with so I can go home and get back to writing whatever it is I was working on before I had to leave and go audition.

I think it comes down to the need, and I no longer have the need to be on TV or in movies or even be on camera, really. Of course, if the perfect thing came along and I didn't have to go do the goddam monkeydance to work on it, that would be an entirely different thing; but the way the industry works today, it's all about the monkeydance, and without the need to be on camera, the monkeydance isn't especially worth my while any more.

As recently as a year or eighteen months ago, I would have struggled with that question. Now, though? Not so much.

To be a successful actor, and to survive in this industry, you have to need the work, and love the work, more than you hate the rejection and the miserable process that you have to endure to receive the frequent rejection. Honestly, I just don't need the aggravation any more.

Friday, I had an audition for the season finale of a major television show, that pretty much everyone watches. It was the sort of role that gets noticed by the industry and the audience. It was the sort of role that leads to other roles, that leads to really great opportunities in movies. There was, as they say, a lot at stake.

I really didn't have time to work on it like I normally would, because I was on a Tokyopop deadline, but the character and I shared a lot of essences, and it was very easy for me to step into his head. The audition scenes were tough, high-tension scenes that are risky: for them to work, they have to be pitch-perfect from beginning to end. It's a challenge to nail scenes like these on the set, let alone in a wood-paneled production trailer, but I prepared them fully, and arrived at my appointment confident and well-prepared.

Three minutes before I was set to go in and read for the producers, the casting director said to me, "What scenes do you have, again?"

They'd sent me twenty-one pages of sides, and I'd specifically asked which scenes to prepare, so I could save myself the wasted effort of working on ten or more pages that they didn't want to see.

"Scenes one and four," I said, "just like you told me."

I knew what was coming. I've been in these situations enough to pretty much mouth it along with him when he said it:

"We're not doing scene one. We're doing scenes three and four."

Oh. Good. Scene three, which is exactly like scene four, and doesn't provide the contrast that scene one provided. It's also eight pages long, and I have less than five minutes to prepare it.

"Do you have scene three?" He said.

"No. I do not." I said. "I prepared scenes one and four."

"And I did it when I really didn't have time to do it, because I was busting my ass on a writing project I really care about," I may have added, if I were the kind of guy who says stuff out loud instead of writing about it four days later.

He shot the casting assistant a look. Clearly, someone had fucked up.

"Give Wil scene three," he said. Then, to me, "You're next."

Awesome.

Three minutes later, I gave the absolute worst audition of my life. Seriously. When it was mercifully over, nobody said a word. Nobody would make eye contact with me. If I'd been on American Idol, Randy Jackson would have broken the painful silence and said, "It just wasn't good, dogg."

I didn't wait for them to say anything. I just nodded my head, as if to acknowledge that we'd all endured something truly awful together, said "thanks," and walked out.

In my entire career, I've never felt so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I suppose I gave the best performance I could have given, with my three minutes of preparation on an 8-page scene, but it's cold comfort.

On my way to the car, I wondered to myself, "Why do I do this bullshit? What's the point?"

It used to be different. I used to really love the whole process. Casting directors had more time to work with actors, there was a wide variety of programming available on television, and movies were a place for people to take creative risks.

These days (thanks largely to media consolidation and reality TV) budgets are smaller, television shows are largely derivative of CSI or ER, and casting directors for films won't even consider an actor who hasn't been on a one of those television shows in the last season or so. Many studios don't want to take creative risks, (in fact there is at least one major studio which won't green light a film that's not a remake.) For actors who have never known different, it's not that big a deal, but for guys like me who learned how to navigate this system in a different time, it's frustrating and depressing. Hollywood has always been filled with people who are afraid of losing their jobs from day to day, and now it's more like minute to minute. If creativity is the absence of fear, it's no surprise that there are so few original, daring, or unique television shows and movies being made.

So what am I a writer, an actor, or what? Part of me will always be an actor, but my creative passion fills a sea black with ink.

Please note that all of this goes out the window and into the Memory Hole where Heroes is concerned. I need to work on Heroes, and I'll do all the monkeydancing in the world to work on that show.

"Hello, my name is Bingo. I like to climb on things. Can I have a banana? Eek. Eek."

Comments

[starshine_diva]

For a second there, I thought you WERE talking about Heroes. That totally would have sucked! Not that this doesn't, but at least you're at peace with yourself.

[One Salient Oversight]

I thought I'd share with you all my own acting fantasy. It goes like this.

So I'm sitting there drinking coffee when suddenly a well known director approaches me (Gilliam or Tarantino or Jackson) and says "Hey, I like the way you look. Come and join in this movie I'm doing."

So I go off and part way through the film it becomes obvious that they like me so much that my bit part expands.

Then I'm nominated for best supporting actor and manage to win it.

Then as I receive the oscar I say these immortal words.

"What this oscar shows is that, in Hollywood, those who are talented, motivated and hard working will never be able to beat those who are good looking, lucky and willing to kiss ass."

[Keri]

The crappy part of the movie and TV industry is that there is only one part to play, and hundreds (or thousands) of actors are dying to play it. 1-5 people get to choose who the winner is, and that winner may not be the most talented person in the pool. It might be Jimmie Kimmel's cousin. Brother. Whatever.

With writing (and more specifically, the internets) there are millions of voices out there, all at once. Because there isn't anyone filtering out those voices, everyone has equal opportunity to succeed. Those writers who are talented (I'm looking at you, Wil) will rise to the top and gain an audience, because 1-5 people didn't decide that they know what America wants. The internet gives you the freedom to succeed because WE decide what we want, and we want to read what you write.

Speaking of writing, get back to it so I have something to distract me from my boring 8-5 office job!

[Fenlyn, USAF]

Wil,

You know, I just recently got my SAG eligibility from getting a speaking role on a major summer blockbuster (I won't give the title, but let's just call it "Robot Movie"). I've always loved acting, but I always loathed the audition process. That's probably why I haven't really done jack in theatre, tv or film in nearly 12 years.

Getting this role (albeit small and mostly stupid) reminded me how much I love immersing myself in a fabricated reality. By fabricated, I mean the kind of suspended disbelief you must have to watch a film about robots from another planet that just happen to look like American cars and fighter jets.

In any case, every time you have an audition, I really hope you get the part. I know that a great part of the auditioning process is having the confidence to go in there and do the monkeydance (you should see the image in my brain) and having the support of a loving family who is there for you when the monkey doesn't get the banana.

One of the things you have up on me is that you actually know people in the industry who won't screw you over like Friday's casting office. Certainly you have some history with Ron Moore that might land you some BSG work. Although Michael Piller is gone, his son still does The Dead Zone. In fact, any Trek producer or writer worth their salt is doing great TV work in Vancouver. Ira is doing The 4400. Even Frakes (the nicest guy I've ever met aside from Tony Shalhoub) got you into an audition several years ago.

So, I know you're happy being a writer who occasionally does voice acting, but I don't think there is anything wrong with having your cake and eating it too!

Come on, Wil. Get on the phone with some folks and demand another slice. :-) Ron Moore's people would NEVER give you the wrong freakin' scenes to prepare.

[Mad Monk]

Wil would do well as the new mystery character on BSG.

Best show on TV imo.

[electricsoup]

hee - i love that bingo quote, we say it all the time around my house.

seriously though, i'm glad you seem happy with your direction. and you are a writer - i love how you tell stories.

[Freeman]

Wil,

Brad Pitt was recently in my hometown filming scenes for a movie called "The Strange Case of Benjamin Buttons." I was talking to one of his assistants and said, "Wil Wheaton (Wesley Crusher on TNG) is a member of the Screen Actors Guild and is looking for an acting job." His response was, "Ninety-eight percent of the members of the Screen Actors Guild are looking for acting jobs." I tried.

Freeman :)

[tits mcgee]

If you appeared on Heroes, the entire blogiverse would have a spontaneous nerdgasm.

Make it so!

[thiscloud]

Wil,

Masi Oka's a fellow geek. I wouldn't be surprised if he reads this blog. Maybe he could put a good word in. :-)

Anyway, I got serious déjà vu when I read what was asked of you:

"Are you an actor who writes, or a writer who acts?"

And the black cat walked across the doorway again when you said:

"As recently as a year or eighteen months ago, I would have struggled with that question. Now, though? Not so much."

It was eerie, like I've seen the question asked before and I thought I'd definitely seen you responded similarly before. So I polished off my search-fu and found these two posts:

First, from 4.5 years ago, a commenter said, "You're an actor who writes, and a writer who acts. Or a techo geek weenie who acts like he's writing."

Second, from 2.5 years ago, the same question* was asked of you by forcesofgood.com. You replied, "Right now, I am a writer who acts. Ask me in a year, and I may have a different answer."

Plus ça change...

*Not to take away from your long time reader getting his question answered, but it seems almost a FAQ at this point! ;-)

[IanKen]

"Wil would do well as the new mystery character on BSG. "

LOL. Wil as the last of the final five? That would be quite funny/cool.

[Juan Pereyra]

As I read more and more of your postings Wil, I admire you more and more. 99.9% of what you say, I totally agree with you. This one is NO EXCEPTION. I would like to add to the fact that it's funny how the movie industry parallels the music industry. Back in the old days (I'm 34 as well), music was full of creativity and was very artistic. Using an array of complex lyrics and instruments was the norm back then, not to mention vocals were a craftsmanship. Now, like the movie industry if it's not a remake or simplistically driven music, it's no good. Wil is SO RIGHT, nowadays it's so depressing to know that the movie/music industry cares more about money than creativity.

[Elle]

"For actors who have never known different, it's not that big a deal, but for guys like me who learned how to navigate this system in a different time, it's frustrating and depressing."

You make yourself sound ancient in that sentence. Dude you're old! ;)

[One Salient Oversight]

We all want Wil to be in a movie.

Why don't we put our money where our mouth is?

Would any of you be willing to pay $30 each to buy a DVD of a movie that Wil stars in?

This has been done before by bands (eg Marillion). Fans pay for the film beforehand, and then the film is financed by this input.

I'm not talking about financing a big Hollywood picture here. But is $1 Million too much to hope for?

Wil can choose the script and be the producer and star.

[LadyMer]

Dear Universe,

Please give Wil a role on Heroes. Or BSG. Or Eureka. Or Doctor Who. Because those shows are awesome, and so is Wil.

Thanks,
LadyMer

[Vaughn]

I remember Bingo the monkey! I found the video and a transcript on the net and posted it here: http://ninjamonkeys.co.za/index.php/2007/04/03/never_trust_a_monkey.

[watergeek]

Hello! I don't know where else for a newbie to post!

Just discovered your (being Will's) awesome website! You are 3 years older than me, so "weseley" was almost like an older brother -- I would go from idol worship to animal thing bayonet lover. Then I got old and tried to forget all the that trauma, and became a huge Babylon 5 fan (although never posted on alt.wesley.die.die.die, I promise!)

But a few months ago, out of the blue, within several weeks of each other, I had my two Uber-geek friends start saying good things about this web comic named "Order of the Stick", and then both start saying good things about Will. After a series of double and triple takes, I looked up at them from off of the floor. These people live on opposite sides of the country! One had even worked with him professionally in a limited way. One was a high-up Dungeon magazine guy, and the other a software developer at Redhat, and between them, they covered the entire geek spectrum!! I had to check it out for myself, even though the prospect was just too frightening to consider, and made my blood run cold. And after several visits, I signed up. *shudder* Gee, I feel like I am giving a testimonial at church or something. No, Will is not of the devil, he is true! Oh, dear.

As for this post about acting, it reminded me of something Lawrence Olivier said (don't ask how I managed to get this much culture): "If I wasn't an actor, I think I'd have gone mad. You have to have extra voltage, some extra temperament to reach certain heights. Art is a little bit larger than life - it's an exhalation of life and I think I you probably need a little touch of madness."

You know actors, acting and yourself *much* better than I do, so I will leave the lame commentary out. That quote has always just seemed somewhat profound.

And if you are still reading this -- I just discovered your TNG reviews on that other web site, and I could not stop from laughing. I was, however, reading your review of the Naked Now, and as a scientist ("back off, man, I'm a scientist", sorry, it just pops out) I am compelled to tell you that stars in fact DO have cores. All of them. That is where it gets up to 5 million degrees so you can have Fusion going on. Most of the outer mass of a star is not hot enough, so plays an almost completely dormant role in stellar evolution (and that from a Hydro-geologist).

OK, I shut up now, before you all start launching denial of service attacks against my web site or something!

-Shawn

[xanadian]

So... is the monkeydance that new disco craze that's sweeping the nation?

[Kevin Seghetti]

Once you get to that place where you don't 'need' the gig any more, you are free to approach auditions on your terms. I would have said "I have not prepared scene three, and cannot in 3 minutes. Scene one is what I prepared, so that is what I am doing" and just done scene one. Sure, they may not like this, but at that point you have nothing to lose, and this way they will see you actually act, instead of stammer through material you don't know.

[Laura Kelly Robinson]

Heroes + Wil= explosive happiness. All the nerdy fun... can't...take...it!

[Jessica Mitchell]

After reading that I can honestly say I would rather roll off the edge of the earth than be a part of that industry. It does, however, give me a new respect for those who are.

[Medbob]

Wil,
I don't mean to bust your chops, but it seems to me that the monkeydance exists because the monkeys are willing to dance. You had prepared to do a particular scene, were told to do a particular scene, why did you think it out of the box to DEMAND that you do THAT PARTICULAR SCENE?
In any area of life, it is wrong to be rude. What they asked of you was RUDE. There is no one on earth that is required to change the world. We all are responsible only for our little corner of it.
Thanks for your acting and your writing. I have enjoyed and appreciated both.

[iamhoff]

Wil,

I'm with the last few commenters. Knowing that a few minutes of frantic preparation wasn't going to give you a helluva good shot at the audition, you should've gone ahead and made your point by doing scenes 1 and 4, like they originally asked you to. What did you have to lose? At least you would've given a good audition and made your damn point. Too bad. Wish it could've gone better, because I'd love to see you back on the screen. More importantly, I'd like to see you get something current and substantial that would give you more opportunities to get shots at the cool shows out there like BSG and Heroes. Elbow and monkeydance.

[LinksMonkey Brian]

Better to be an writer/actor than a waiter/actor.

[LinksMonkey Brian]

Better to be a writer/actor than a waiter/actor. Ignore the above typoo.

[Tom]

Book publishing has seen a lot of Hollywoodisation too. It's difficult to break into the market and can be difficult to stay published if you have only reasonable sales rather than blockbuster figures. Not that getting sales would be the top reason for writing, of course...