on writing . . .

Ryan is in a creative writing class at school, and throughout this year, I've watched him grow from his first uncertain steps to the confident and insightful writer he is today.

A few weeks ago, his teacher invited me to come to the class and speak about my experiences as a writer, self-publisher, and actor. I accepted instantly.

Yesterday was my day to speak, so I put together my outline in the morning, practiced speaking it aloud to my dogs (who are a very good audience) and felt totally prepared to share some insights in what I hoped would be 45 entertaining minutes.

My confidence evaporated and my stomach tied itself into a tiny knot of terror as soon as I set foot on the campus. No matter how successful I am, and no matter how old I am, when I go to a high school, the muscle and emotional memories of being a teenage geek overwhelm me, and I feel . . . well, like I did in high school.

"Please, no cool kids. Please, no cool kids. Please, no cool kids." I thought to myself as I walked to the office.

"You are a guest speaker today, right?" One of the school staff said to me, as I signed my name on the guest register.

"Yeah, I am," I said.

"Are you excited?"

"Uhm," I said, my voice catching in my throat, "I was a nerd in high school, so whenever I come onto a school campus, I feel really awkward and nervous."

"I think you'll do fine," she said with a gentle smile.

"I hope so," I said. "I guess it's kind of funny how I feel automatically intimidated by kids I'd tell to get off my lawn if I were at home."

She laughed, and handed me a pass with my name on it. "Here you go."

"I think you're supposed to call Ryan and --"

A hand clapped down on my shoulder and I jumped a little bit.

"He's already here," she said. "See? It's already going smoothly."

I turned and looked into Ryan's face.

"Ready?" He said.

"Uh-huh."

We walked across the campus together. Ryan waved to a few of his friends, and I did my best not to embarrass him or myself.

I met his teacher outside the class.

"Thank you for coming," She said. "We're really excited to have you here."

"That's great," I said. "I hope I can connect to your students."

"I'm sure you will," she said. "I'll introduce you now."

She walked into the class and introduced me. I took a deep breath, and followed. The walk from the doorway to the podium in the front seemed to take forever, and I felt just like I did on my first day of real high school: out of place and awkward, certain that everyone was staring at me.

This time, everyone was staring at me . . . but I hadn't done anything stupid yet, so I felt a little better than I did twenty years ago.

I took my sunglasses off, and set them on the podium. While I reached into my pocket for my notes, they slid off and clattered on the floor.

Perfect.

I knelt down and picked them up, this time setting them on a chair next to me. I unfolded my notes and said, "So here's the thing: I was a nerd in high school, so whenever I get around high school students, I am reminded of how that felt . . . so I sort of feel that way right now. Bear with me a minute while I settle down, okay?"

A couple of kids smiled at me. Most of them just looked at me, unimpressed.

Oh boy.

"When I was in school, we'd have people come in and talk about what was interesting to them, but they never left enough time for questions, so we could talk about what was interesting to us. So today, I hope to keep my talking at you brief, and leave enough time for talking with you."

I looked around the room. Nothing. Man, this is a tough crowd.

I took another deep breath. Okay, here we go.

I got into my talk, and I felt myself relax just a little bit. It was so important to me to make a connection to these kids, to give them something that was actually relevant to their lives. Even though I couldn't tell if I was doing it, by an objective standard, I didn't completely suck, so at the very least, I'd have one of those "moral victories" I keep reading about in the papers when people lose.

I talked about the similarities and differences between writing fiction and writing screenplays, what it's like as an actor to get an over or under-written script, and offered some examples from my experiences on both sides of the page. When I was just about finished, I gave them what I called my rules for good writing, which I'll share here, as well:

1. Don't be afraid to suck. It's easier to fix something that's broken than it is to create something from nothing.
2. Write your first draft "with the door closed."
3. Don't try to make everyone happy. If you try to make everyone happy, you end up with According To Jim. Write what you're passionate about, and write to entertain, amuse, and satisfy yourself. To borrow a phrase from Joel Hodgeson, the creator of MST3K: don't ask yourself, "Will anyone get this?" Instead, tell yourself, "The right people will get this."
4. If you're going to write, you have to read. If you're going to write screenplays, you have to read, and you have to watch lots and lots of movies, both for entertainment and for education.

"So, that's me talking at you, and now I'll spend the rest of our time together talking with you. Any questions?"

As it turns out, I had nothing to worry about. There were tons of questions, and all of them were incredibly insightful -- especially for teens. I only got to spend twenty minutes or so in the Q&A format with them, but it was really rewarding for me and seemed interesting and useful for them.

When my time was up, I thanked them for listening to me, and many of them thanked me on their way out of the class for my talk. Their teacher told me that she'd had a few other guest speakers this year, and the general consensus among the students she talked with was that I was the best of the lot. I took that to mean that I connected with them more than anyone else, which made me really happy, because that was my goal all along.

I had one last thing to tell them, which I didn't say. I intended it to be inspiring, but I just wasn't sure if it would come across that way, so I edited myself and left it out. I'll reprint it here, though, in case any of them stop by to read this:

This is entirely unrelated to writing, but it's something I wish someone had told me when I was your age: High school is a really important time in your life, and what you learn here and how you grow as a person will profoundly impact your adult years. But the social thing? It really doesn't matter, because after you graduate, you never have to see anyone from high school again, unless you really want to. A guy said to me yesterday, "If you win at high school, you lose at life," and that made a lot of sense to me. I'm sure you guys are a creative bunch of people, which means you have a certain degree of sensitivity, something that is usually the object of ridicule in school. Well, don't deny that because you're afraid of being unpopular. It's really not worth it. So stay focused, go to college, and thank me in your acknowledgments when your book is published. It's "Wil" with one "L."

On the way to the car, Ryan said that he liked my talk, and appreciated me coming in.

"You were really nervous when you started, huh?" He said.

"Yeah," I said. "I really was."

"You didn't need to be. You rocked."

I smiled. It was the only opinion that mattered.

Comments

[Kirsten]

Umm...you were probably just quoting the teacher, but just in case:

con·sen·sus
1. majority of opinion: The consensus of the group was that they should meet twice a month.
2. general agreement or concord; harmony

The phrase "general consensus" is actually redundant. A pet peeve my father instilled in me.

Loved the story - the pride you have in Ryan and Nolan is palpable.

[Kirsten]

Umm...you were probably just quoting the teacher, but just in case:

con·sen·sus
1. majority of opinion: The consensus of the group was that they should meet twice a month.
2. general agreement or concord; harmony

The phrase "general consensus" is actually redundant. A pet peeve my father instilled in me.

Loved the story - the pride you have in Ryan and Nolan is palpable.

[Kirsten]

Oops..sorry for the double-post.

[erzeszut]

"But the social thing? It really doesn't matter, because after you graduate, you never have to see anyone from high school again, unless you really want to. A guy said to me yesterday, "If you win at high school, you lose at life," and that made a lot of sense to me."

Wil, I love your writings, loved meeting you (briefly) at MacWorld a couple years ago. But as much as I enjoyed the rest of this post, I think you missed the ball with the passage above.

Now, I certainly wasn't Mr. Popularity in high school. I was (and still am) a geek. But I found enough other geeks to hang around with, and by my last two years, I had clawed my way to the middle of the pack. I also found that being editor of the school paper -- while not being equivalent to the starting quarterback -- was still a pretty good way to improve social standing.

Obviously, the academics of high school are more important than the social crap. And, you're right -- you don't have to stay in touch with anyone after high school if you don't want to.

But you know what, Wil? It's still affecting you. Look how nervous you got stepping into a high school classroom some 15+ years after you graduated. I don't have nearly the public speaking experience you do, obviously. But I wouldn't have any trouble stepping into a high school classroom.

My point is that our high school experiences color the rest of our lives. For better or for worse, the four years of high school occur at an incredibly pivotal moment for our social and emotional development. A bad high school experience affects someone's self-confidence and sense of worth for decades to come.

So yeah, on one level the petty high school crap doesn't matter once you get that diploma. On another level, it matters intensely, and I think your experience walking into that school reflects that.

My point is this: no doubt, everyone should stay true to themselves. But a lot of people (myself included) could have had a better high school experience if we'd just been a little more confident, talked to people a little more, found that niche in high school that's there for everyone. High school sucks for 95% of people, at some point. The key is finding the people around you who make it suck a little less.

I would have said to those kids: You'll remember your high school years for the rest of your life, love 'em or hate 'em. So do what you can to love 'em.

[Proto]

Well put.

[Kel]

I feel the exact same way anytime I step anywhere near a high school campus.

[adelheid]

If you do remember high school and not fondly, I think that you can at least use that experience to help your own kids. I'm pretty happy with being the cool mom and I was one of the social outcasts when I was in high school.

[CHV]

My Freshman year in HS was fun, but the remaining years were not so great. I was small and gawky, and lacked many social skills.

Yet if my high school experience did mold me in any sort of permanent way it was how one particular teacher (who dabbled in sexual harassment of girl students) helped to focus my interests in writing and literature - an emphasis which later drove my college studies, and adult career.

Yet having just attended my 20th HS reunion last fall, the most ironic difference about my social station back then (social outcast, dork) and now was that after graduation I grew 5 inches that summer, and as such, almost none of my former classmates recognized me...even kids I was good friends with in grade school.

It was the strangest thing. I intentionally did not wear a nametag at the reunion, so most former classmates were staring at me wondering who the hell I was.

[Susan Rachel]

Sounds like you had a wonderful day. The advice you received about highschool was fantastic. When my daughter starts highschool, (years from now thankfully!) I'm going to paint that bit of wisdom in ginormous letters on her bedroom wall.

[SarahD]

I really enjoyed this post. Like erzeszut, I was also sort of a "geek" in high school (and also on the newspaper) but I formed a close group of friends with other geeks and ended up having a great high school experience, at least the last two years. I agree that it's all what you make of it.

I still keep in touch with a few people from high school. Two of them were bridesmaids in my wedding. And my 10-year reunion is coming up next year. (Holy crap, I'm old. :-p)

I still don't see how you could have been a geek in h.s. since I thought you were a hottie. :) If you had come to speak at one of my high school classes that would have been the highlight of my teenage years. The only thing better than that would have been David Duchovny coming to speak. :)

[MarkMilan]

I started reading and knew it would be another one of your great posts. This time, I started getting pre-emptive tears, even before the parts I should have been getting tears. It's tough, for a guy, in a workplace environment, but hey, your writing does that to me. And for that, I thank you.

[mxley]

Another wonderful post - really struck a chord in my soul.
Mary

[sylr87]

Wil, Thank you for sharing that with us. I was also a geek in high school, and freeze up when entering a campus. I have been in the Navy for 20 years and was asked by an Aunt to speak to her class last year, was petrified. I went not to recruit, but to share my experiences in the Navy, and my perspective on the war as someone who has been in it and can get called to go again. Tough crowd when you open yourself up for questions. I could go on much further, but I still get that pit in my stomach too. I doubt if it will ever go away, and I am not sure if I really want it to, it is part of who I am today, as a Navy Chief and a human being. Thanks for your story.

[BML]

I also agree with erzeszut and would ad a few things.
"...after you graduate, you never have to see anyone from high school again, unless you really want to" is very true. I started to redefine myself in my senior year of high school (I was a shy geek and nerd - I realized that if I became outgoing that the worst thing that would happen is that some people would think I was a geek and a nerd. The "hip" kids still hated me, but most of the rest accepted me. I became friends with a theater person and a football player.) In college I had a clean slate to find and redefine my identity. [I even went back to using my first name - in junior high my middle name was forced on me as teasing by a few jerks and it stuck. (it didn't bother me, so they kept at it.) Changing my name back was symbolic, but it felt good.]

I went to college feeling confident about myself (but terrified about the new experience - both academic and living on my own)

As a college junior I went back and talked to an English class (with about 1 minute to prepare for a 5 minute talk). Even though I was studying engineering, I stressed the importance of reading and writing as much as possible because it doesn't matter what field you are in, you have to communicate to be successful; not just for creative writing.

I then thanked the teacher for inflicting extra grammar and long writing assignments on me - I hated it at the time but was very grateful for it later. In high school a ten page paper is a big deal - in a college lab course, a 20+ page lab report is a weekly exercise. Term papers are just announced and turned in a few weeks later without any reminders or hand holding.

I don't think I changed anyone's life, but I could see that a few on them were at least thinking about it.

In my mind, the whole speech was actually a thank you to my 10th and 12th grade English teacher.

Now that I am writing proposals, engineering reports, formal business letters, etc. every day, I am even more grateful to the few teachers that went out of their way to teach me to think and write clearly.

Wow - that turned into a testimonial speech. I don't regret it.

BML

[leon]

Wow. Nothing more to say (to much memories to process)
You are a fine person.

[Severian]

God Wil, what an opportunity, I'm so glad you had a chance to give back to those kids, but Wil, that part you left out... don't do that again... kids will remember that stuff for the rest of their life. next time make a point to put that in because the right people will get it.

[featcovers]

Lump. Throat.
Tears. Eyes.

[crucislancer]

Great post, Wil. I only hope that when my kids are that age, and perhaps ask their dear old dad to come by and speak about his interests, that I perform as well as you. Yeah, I get a weird feeling in my gut when I drive by the old high school, amazing how it still affects me 18 years later.

[Lew]

Another GREAT post Wil! You have a wonderful gift for making your readers feel like they were there with you. Thanks for letting all of us share in the adventures with you.

[lauren]

I think everyone else has already said it! THis was a great post. You know you have something good when you feel like you are living it as you read it! My favorite bits on your blog are these deeply personal from the heart moments, because you have made us feel what you felt at some level.

[Athol_Wolverine]

Hey, Wil, I spoke to some grade schoolers back in January. Here was my take on that:

"So, I spoke to two classes of fourth graders at a local elementary school today about writing and my book. I think it went well, and most of the kids' enthusiasm for writing gives me hope that future generations of great writers are waiting in the wings!

I basically talked briefly about my job as a reporter and then about the fictional writing I do, and about my book. I also touched on why I think writing is important.

Regarding creative writing, I spoke on how it's possible to use real feelings and experiences to express yourself through your characters in a fictional story. Even though my book is geared toward mature young adults, there were a couple of selections suitable for reading to them to illustrate this point. The kids loved it.

Talking to the students was a blast. Only 45 minutes each class; not enough time. They had a lot of interesting questions and were eager to read out loud writings of their own. In the first class, the kids had notebooks filled with writings in their desks and were ready to go. That wasn't so in the second class, so I gave the kids about 10 minutes to write something of their choice and then read it aloud. I took a page from the movie Freedom Writers and passed out notebooks and pens to all the students in both classes to use as their own personal journals. That got them excited. Some of them saw the movie, others hadn't, so I explained to them how the movie illustrates the true power of the written word by showing how student writings brought high school kids of different backgrounds together.

All of the students' writings were excellent. Like I said in my subject line, the kids are alright!

[question girl]

i have been a lurker for months....

what you didn't say to the kids - i find myself saying to at least one student, at least once a week as a high school teacher.....i hated high school so much i didn't want to go to my own graduation and i swore i would never step foot in one again.... i cried the day i found out i had to student teach in one... but i realized at some point that it WAS a choice to let myself continue to be a victim or to start to live.... everytime one of my kids comes to me upset because "he said" or "she did" i remind them that if they react, it will get worse, but if they let it go, he/she will move on.... no wonder kids try to hang out in my room (even my worst behaved ones)

off subject - the converstaion you had with ryan a few weeks ago w/ all the mixed sports had me laughing so hard i had tears rolling down my face

[TheMadTurtle]

Man, you should really look into PEACE (Protect Educate Aid Children Everywhere). It's an organization that Adrian Paul started and I know - in the organization's early years at least - there was a program involving actors and such in L.A. schools - doing basically what you just did. It's a great organization and I think you might dig it. The url is http://adrianpaulpeace.org/

[tanyak]

I know, late to the party, but wanted to get my thoughts in here...

As a high school teacher myself I have to agree with some other posters here... the 'ol "none of this will matter later" speech doesn't work with teens and wouldn't have worked with you or any of us. Don't get me wrong, you have the best of intentions at heart, as most people do when they say these things...but ultimately it only serves to show a lack of validation for a teen's feelings and experiences... so I"m glad you left it out... you can get out the message, but you need a much more round about approach to it...

BTW I'm sure they loved you... teens love anyone adult who knows about the movies and comics they love... plus you play video games... gets me great review every year. I always tell them I teach high school because I needed someone to turn to when I'm stuck on my current PS2 favourite...

[PA_ChanMan]

I'm going to have to agree with most of the other posts that you made a good decision editing out the last comment. 8 years after high school, I very much appreciate the comment. When I was in the thick of things, completely unsure of myself socially I don't think it would have made any difference. Reading it now, I smile because it's true. High school does shape your adult life, but the ones who "mastered" high school don't seem to do as well in the "real world"