so i'm going to be the keynote speaker at PAX . . .

Back in February, I recounted the first time I met Gabe and Tycho from Penny Arcade at Comicon:

I have always enjoyed Penny Arcade, because -- like pVp and Dork Tower -- it has characters I can care about and relate to while I'm laughing at myself, or them, or (usually) both.

I talked to Gabe and Tycho for a few minutes that year, did the obligatory geek out, and then got out of the way, because there were literally hundreds of fans who wanted to meet them and give them money. I guess I made an impression on them, because they featured me in one of their comics, which Gabe or Tycho drew on the plane home, and sent me via e-mail (I can't remember who and it's not really important enough to unpack e-mail archives from that long ago to find out. Also if I'm vague enough about it, maybe one of them will ping me and put me in a new comic. How's that for attention whoring?! Very nice.)

Well, they didn't put me in a new cartoon (though I'll always have this one, sniff, sniff, wipe solitary tear off cheek) but they did something that's a little bit cooler and invited me to be the keynote speaker at the 2007 Penny Arcade Expo.

"You know this is Wil Wheaton the writer and occasional actor, and not the guy from Brother Bear," I said, certain that they'd asked the wrong guy.

They assured me, via their official organizer Robert, that it wasn't a mistake. They wanted me to come speak, play games, and listen to MC Frontalot and Jonathan Coulton, and OMFG THE MINIBOSSES.

So I picked myself up off the floor, and tried to talk them out of it.

"If you make this about me being on Star Trek," I said, "it's going to piss everyone off, and we'll get the obligatory flood of 'who is that?' and 'why does Star Trek matter to a game convention?' and 'I love bacon!'"

They assured me that their demographic is older than the typical bacon-loving, Wheaton-hating 20 year-old. This wasn't about Star Trek as much as it was about my very public love of gaming, and that I shouldn't be so goddamn insecure.

I actually had to think about it for a few days. I love Penny Arcade, and I wanted to be absolutely certain that I would entertain the people who were there with something that would be relevant to their lives.

A weekend passed, and I called Robert back.

"So here's the thing: Seattle is really close for me, so I can come up and back without missing anything important at home. I also know that there's a little over one hundred people who want me to come to Seattle, according to Eventful.

"I really want to do this, but I want to be absolutely sure that I'm going to be a good match for PAX. I don't play anything like World of Warcraft, and I haven't played anything like Halo since Half Life was new. What I know and love are classic arcade and console games." I said. "In fact, other than the GTA games and Guitar Hero, I really don't play anything you'd consider 'new.' Hell, I don't even have a next-generation console . . . though I've been trying to buy a Wii since they came out, because the Virtual Console is the most awesome th-"

"I can get you a Wii," Robert said.

I dropped the phone.

I picked up the phone.

"Sorry, I dropped the phone. Are you serious?"

"It's the least we can do."

"So you're telling me that, not only will I get a Wii, but . . . I'll get a Wii from Penny fucking Arcade?!"

"Something like that, yeah."

"Dude. Uh, yeah. That'll be awesome."

After a moment's silence, he said, "so do you want to come do PAX? We'll hook you up with the Wii either way."

"I'm really nervous about appealing to the audience," I said, "but I know that I can write something entertaining about classic arcades and the significance of console and hand-held gaming to my generation. I'm pretty sure I can take some cheap and easy shots at Jack Thompson, too."

I took a deep breath.

"Yeah, I'd love to come to PAX and be your keynote speaker."

"Awesome! I'll tell the guys. They're going to be very happy that you're on board."

So that's the story of how I invented ice cream.

Wait. I mean, that's the story of how I ended up being the keynote speaker at the 2007 Penny Arcade Expo, and why I'll spend the next three months with a knot in my stomach, as I write and rewrite and rererewrite my story. Of course, I think the best way to prepare is to play lots and lots of games as frequently as I can, right?

Does anyone know how I can sell that idea to my wife? I don't think she's going to buy it.

Comments

[Keri]

Damn. You and your ability to get free game systems...

First the ultra-hot NES, and now a Wii. Just, damn.

[dealer]

This is awesome. I would definitely go if I didn't live in the completely foreign country of Florida.

[Frowbakk]

Your worries are unfounded. PAX is about gaming, as in actually playing games of all sorts, and not being a poser who denigrates what type of games you play. No one gives a crap about how much of what type of game you play vs. how much of any other. You're a gamer, and you'll fit in. Trust me.

For the past three years I've attended PAX I've spent most of my time in the Tabletop room getting my Settlers of Catan & 40K on. I've picked up CDs from every band I can throw money at while I'm there, and taken leisurely breaks wandering the Expo hall seeing what's on display (maybe that Pirate MMO will be more than just ship-to-ship combat this year...). Trying new games you've never played before is an honored PAX tradition (Diceland from Cheap Ass Games being the prime example). PAX is about the gaming, and just the gaming, with as little or as much baggage you wish to attach to that.

Just be sure to throw in the word "wang" in your keynote address a time or three, and you'll do fine.

[Akiotena]

Damn, I picked a good year to go! :D

I have no doubt that you'll be able to come up with something wonderful to speak about. You already do it so well here on your blog!

Also: beware of wife aggro. Seriously. :P

[agar]

OK, here's what I see...

The lights dim.
The crowd goes quiet.
There's a pause...just a little too long...the crowd starts to shift in their chairs -- is something wrong?
Then, a single spot shines down on stage, tight focus, illuminating just your face. Maybe there's a bit of smoke machine action. Just a little, not too much.
The crowd goes quiet.
You step forward, the spot broadens, showing the crowd that you're holding something...what is it?...it's...a Guitar Hero guitar!
Suddenly, the silence is rocked by deafening power chords as you rock the house down with a virtuoso performance of the hardest, catchiest, loudest, cheesiest rock song you can find on the disk.
You play for about a minute or two, just long enough to get the crowd into the music. Big screens show you nailing the song.
You stop, unstrap, toss the guitar off stage -- Def Leppard-style -- and step to the podium and screaming "WHAT UP SEATTLE!!!" while throwing the horns.
The crowd goes wild. You've pumped them up, gained credibility as a gamer, and immediately got them on your side. I mean, who hasn't dreamed of actually shredding on-stage like a rock star?

You could spend the rest of your keynote talking in Klingon and it wouldn't matter. People would leave that place saying, "That Wil Wheaton...damn, he kicks ass!"

[ÜberBeth]

I too am an enforcer (read: PAX volunteer), and am THRILLED to have you attending. (Sorry to sound fan-girly here) I own and thoroughly enjoyed your books and 'demanded' on Eventful many moons ago in hopes you'd take a jaunt up the coast.

I can assure you not everyone is a WoW addict or FPS style gamer. Many up us still cling tightly to our roots of NES/SNES/Atari/etc, or came from D&D (or other tabletop/board/card games). I would love a round of Guitar Hero against you :)

[TomB]

Isn't it time for a STTNG review on TVS??

[Leesha]

That's so exciting!

I was really disappointed that I couldn't make it to the Las Vegas Convention because I was going to PAX, but now you'll be at PAX so I don't feel so bad... woooo! :-)

[syhd]

The money that could have gone to a Wii (which obviously you were going to get at some point, so it's effectively money already spent) has been freed up to go to something else, about the house, for the family.

As for playing lots and lots of games, well, A) it's research; B) it's a good bonding experience with you and the whole family (everyone should play along with you!) See! It's the whole family-values thing that Republicans flail around like a flaming cat by the tail, but all of you are secretly perverting it by playing video games, which are evil. It's good fun, family entertainment, and it's subversive! What's not to like?

[Proto]

something with Wil and Wii is going to make for good humor. happy pax-in'

[Tony Miller]

Lie to her and say you were invited to speak at two conventions. 1 - PaX and 2 - (insert name of some porn company she finds sleazy) and went with the one you thought she would appreciate more.

Of course, she probably reads this so...uh.....yeah.

Just don't put the Wii controller through the TV and you should be ok.

[sarahalyse]

I went to PAX one year, and then realized, "Wait a minute, I'm not a gamer. Being acquainted with Jerry and Mike and loving the comic is not reason enough to spend upwards of $20 for what is clearly a gaming convention." So I enjoyed myself and all, but figured I would save my money in years to come.

But apparently you don't LIKE for me to say money, since now I'll obviously HAVE to go this year. You BASTARD.

[(The Original) Mary Sue]

Oh, sure, the ONE YEAR I'm too broke to go to PAX... *grumps*

Invest in a freaking Nerf arsenal, dude, you'll be glad you did.

[Chris Radcliff]

Congrats, Wil! You're an awesome speaker, and they're lucky to get you. Just concentrate on the three pillars of public speaking (monkeys, pirates, and robots) and you'll do fine.

I added you to the PAX 2007 event on Eventful and updated the Seattle demand to match. Enjoy, Seattle!

[JP]

Dude. We're game developers and game fanatics. If you come in saying "so how about those spores? Awesome, right? That Dan Wright really knows his microbes" the entire audience will turn on you. The Fruit Fucker 2000 will auto-activate and you will be very sorry there's a de-pulp setting. So yes, play the games for the next 3 months.

I humbly suggest Katamari, Crackdown, God of War (er, if your wife is on the fence, maybe not), Gears of War, and.... let's just throw in Burnout 3.

[MikeN]

Somehow they found a way to make PAX even more awesome! Gah! Why I am separated by the Atlantic and thousands of miles! All that time playing Guitar Hero and cramping your hand into something resembling the Monkey's Paw has finally paid off. Well done sir.

[SalaciousScribe]

Fantastic news! It's been a long time since I've commented, but I wanted to congratulate you on this and the work on the manga. Exciting stuff. Keep up the good work!

PS. I must agree with another post above in recommending God of War 1 & 2: two of the most rewarding gaming experiences of my life.

[iamhoff]

Hawesome!!!

I'm with agar, go ahead and enter the stage with the GH guitar, shred a bit, throw the goat and you're a lock for Teh. Coolest. Evar.

\m/ \m/

[Matt]

Seattle has Red Hook! Nothing is cooler than sitting on their patio in the afternoon drinking pitcher after pitcher of IPA.

Look me up if you need a driver. Seriously.

[A'arab Zaraq]

Woot. You should totally do it. Penny Arcade is still my claim to fame. They linked to a video game that I did music for once. I still use "I was linked on Penny Arcade" as a pick-up line.

No, it's never actually worked... yet.

[Pai]

In all honesty, I had absolutely no intention of going to PAX this year because I live in Boston and that's a hell of a trip for me, but when I saw Gabe's announcement the other day about you being the keynote speaker, I instantly changed my mind. I am going to do my damned best to get there if I have to drive myself, because while Penny Arcade and MC Frontalot and the whole PAX deal is great and all, PAX plus WIL WHEATON equals poentially one of the greatest times of my young life. You are *definitely* the reason for my voyage to PAX this year.

[Dewar]

I saw a few days ago that you're going to be at PAX and I've been getting more and more excited about the prospect. I've gone to PAX every year, but never been into many of the panels and keynotes and such, so I'm looking forward to seeing you on stage.

[Gye Greene]

Ah! When in Seattle, ya **gotta** hit Archie McPhee's -- a wacky store in Ballard (a few neighborhoods north of downtown). Sells glow-in-the-dark cockroaches, punching nun and punching Amish puppets, and various geeky things (e.g. briefcases w/ binary on them).

No affiliation, etc...

They have a website, worth (Googling.)

--GG

[Jim Kiser]

It is a stretch but you can try telling her how much you WON'T be spending on a Wii and that the least you can do is to do the research.

[Budo]

Wil, I can't think of anything better than you being the keynote speaker at PAX, wish I could be there. As for your wife, just let her know that you will also be working with the guys who have set up that totally awesome charity, Child's Play and you need to talk to them about setting up a charity game for them on Stars!!