an explosion of horrible, entropic freedom

We have a new refrigerator. It's energy efficient, can hold an entire horse and a stick of butter, and is generally one of the more awesome "grown up" purchases Anne and I have made since we got married seven years ago.

In addition to the awesome Futurama magnets that adorn its doors, it comes with a nifty little basket thingy which slides in and out underneath one of the shelves, perfect for holding bottles and cans.

We here in Chez Wheaton don't drink much of anything that comes out of a can (the notable exception being Guinness) but I drink plenty of things that come out of a bottle, like Stone Pale Ale and Izze soda, for example.

A few months ago, I uncovered a design flaw in the otherwise perfect basket: the wires spread out a little (okay, a lot) more easily than you'd expect from something intended to hold bottles in their least entropic state. If you have a heavy bottle (like a wine bottle, for example) on the same rack as a lighter bottle (like a Newcastle, for instance) and you look at them funny, the heavy bottle will create enough pressure to spread the wires and launch the lighter bottle onto the floor, where it will explode.

This afternoon, while I was trying to pull out a bottle of Tejava (99 cents at Trader Joe's) to enjoy a cool glass of tea, a bottle of clementine Izzie soda looked up at me, shouted, "Hooray! I'm free!" And launched itself onto the floor and landed in a sticky explosion of horrible, entropic freedom.

I was, of course, standing barefoot in the kitchen at the time, so I got to tip toe through a spreading slick of soda and shards of broken glass that were as pointy and deadly as they were invisible on the floor while I made my way to the paper towels.

By some miracle, I didn't cut the everlivingshit out of my feet, and only got stuck a couple of times, and by the time Anne and Nolan got home, I was nearly done cleaning it up.

"What happened?" Anne said.

"There were . . . errors," I said.

She gave me a blank look. Before I could explain the inside joke to her, Nolan said, "What did you do?"

"I was trying to get some iced tea, and the Izze decided to make a break for it."

I held up a handful of dripping paper towels.

"It succeeded."

Nolan dropped to his knees and looked skyward. "Noooooooo!" He said, while shaking his fists at an imaginary Statue of Liberty.

"Yeah," I said. "Sorry. But there's more, so you can put them in there when I'm done."

Anne walked over to the pantry to get some replacement bottles.

"Would you like me to leave some of this here, as a warning to the new bottles?" I asked.

I got The Look.

I finished cleaning up.

Comments

[anjacara]

simple, but hilarious

[fich]

Real Guinness doesn't come out of a can.

Real Guinness comes out of a tap.

[GeekessDaisy]

It takes a really long time to get 'the look' down. But once you have the ability to make it you'd be amazed at what can be done with it. Glad you abide by it too.

[David Ely]

[this is good]

[Pam]

A horse AND a stick of butter. Ha.

The "Look" is a gift and should be used wisely.

[paige]

lol. this looks funny when you imagine it.

not picking onya of course XD.

[Bemopolis]

Barely related, but I have to say it:

Wil, every time you mention Trader Joe's I get all lachrymose. I've been in a series of Trader-less Joe-less hells for seven years now. And these Mormons I'm surrounded by don't seem to keen on emending theitr liquor laws to change that situation. O for a jaunty, consciousness-giving cylinder of monsooned coffee!

But don't mind me. You just enjoy twisting that knife there, you...you bastard. *snerfle*

[mirkrim]

I love the random references that come out of you. I probably would have said "one of the bottles broke."

[GeekessDaisy]

This lost Canadian has to ask, what the heck do Mormons have to do with Trader Joe's? From what I can tell Trader Joe's is just a Grocery Store.

[RachelT]

This was a hilarious read (you didn't even have to be there). Nolan's reaction was priceless!

Maybe a lightweight piece of plastic in the bottom of that basket would help? Just something to spread out the load and prevent the new soda from making a sudden bid for freedom. ;)

[tjvm]

"There were . . . errors"

What's the inside joke? That phrase is Google-resistant.

[carthies]

If it's the type of basket I'm thinking of, you could lash the intersecting "bars" together using safety wire.
Kinda like what we would do to the spokes of our BMX bikes back in day.

[JustinCase?!]

Your story makes the whole event sound more fun that it probably is. Haha.

[jslicer]

schieß auf das fenster.

???

SHOOT the GLASS!

[Wayne Zachary]

Fuckin' hilarious Wil! You really know how to paint a picture in the mind's eye my friend! Keep on rockin! :-D

[Tibbo]

Wil, you are teh awesomeness!

I can so vividly imagine this scene...simply fantastic!

[Carol]

Just a grocery store? Just a grocery store?! Nay, sir Canadian, Trader Joes is ever so much more. It is an elixir of life unto itself.

However, in regards to your question, while the majority of Trader Joes does hold grocery items of inestimable value just by their very nature of being both wholesome and inexpensive, a significant portion of the ol' TJ's is known to carry alcohol of all sorts, most of it quite reasonable in price and tasty in...taste. It is best known for the legend that is the Two Buck Chuck, but it usually has very good Chilean wines. When I was a wee lass of 19, I only knew of TJ's reputation as the purveyor of fine, reasonably priced alcohol, though I cared not to imbibe in those long ago days. It wasn't for another ten years until I knew they carried actual food. I was a naive young thing.

That's probably why the Mormons have shunned the wonder that is Trader Joes.

(Obviously TJ's causes me to wax rhapsodic. Sorry about getting so carried away...)

[violachic]

I don't think I've laughed so hard since I read about the dog-and-sweet-potatoes incident.

That's right. Cheap date, right here.

[mal]

Ohhh man, the new Trader Joe's in my town is thisclose to opening. I almost applied for a job there (almost). In but one month, I too shall be perusing the goods of the gods.

Wil- this post (and the 'Ill Communication' post) reminds me: must... have... new book.

[LucidApathy]

Freaking fabulous post. Literally made me "lol" ... now my co-workers are looking at me funny.

[BobHereYo]

Cracking Me Up!! Nice Post. Does this start the beginning of the Free the Izze Bottle Movement! www.FreeIzze.com

Izze bottles have rights too!

[Kristy]

a sticky explosion of horrible, entropic freedom.

Wow. Beautiful phrases like this are why writers are HOTT, and geek writers even moreso.

Thanks for the lol at the end of a long day in the lab!

[CarolP]

"Would you like me to leave some of this here, as a warning to the new bottles?" I asked.

lmao.

[CoasterG]

Ahh freedom.

Bottles yearn for it, to be free of the oppressive refrigerator, waiting for their fate to be cruelly and forcefully opened and their contents sucks from the very center of their being.

[starshine_diva]

ROFL!!!

I'm surprised you weren't dancing barefoot in your kitchen...

har har har

And your title is just orgasmic.