an explosion of horrible, entropic freedom

We have a new refrigerator. It's energy efficient, can hold an entire horse and a stick of butter, and is generally one of the more awesome "grown up" purchases Anne and I have made since we got married seven years ago.

In addition to the awesome Futurama magnets that adorn its doors, it comes with a nifty little basket thingy which slides in and out underneath one of the shelves, perfect for holding bottles and cans.

We here in Chez Wheaton don't drink much of anything that comes out of a can (the notable exception being Guinness) but I drink plenty of things that come out of a bottle, like Stone Pale Ale and Izze soda, for example.

A few months ago, I uncovered a design flaw in the otherwise perfect basket: the wires spread out a little (okay, a lot) more easily than you'd expect from something intended to hold bottles in their least entropic state. If you have a heavy bottle (like a wine bottle, for example) on the same rack as a lighter bottle (like a Newcastle, for instance) and you look at them funny, the heavy bottle will create enough pressure to spread the wires and launch the lighter bottle onto the floor, where it will explode.

This afternoon, while I was trying to pull out a bottle of Tejava (99 cents at Trader Joe's) to enjoy a cool glass of tea, a bottle of clementine Izzie soda looked up at me, shouted, "Hooray! I'm free!" And launched itself onto the floor and landed in a sticky explosion of horrible, entropic freedom.

I was, of course, standing barefoot in the kitchen at the time, so I got to tip toe through a spreading slick of soda and shards of broken glass that were as pointy and deadly as they were invisible on the floor while I made my way to the paper towels.

By some miracle, I didn't cut the everlivingshit out of my feet, and only got stuck a couple of times, and by the time Anne and Nolan got home, I was nearly done cleaning it up.

"What happened?" Anne said.

"There were . . . errors," I said.

She gave me a blank look. Before I could explain the inside joke to her, Nolan said, "What did you do?"

"I was trying to get some iced tea, and the Izze decided to make a break for it."

I held up a handful of dripping paper towels.

"It succeeded."

Nolan dropped to his knees and looked skyward. "Noooooooo!" He said, while shaking his fists at an imaginary Statue of Liberty.

"Yeah," I said. "Sorry. But there's more, so you can put them in there when I'm done."

Anne walked over to the pantry to get some replacement bottles.

"Would you like me to leave some of this here, as a warning to the new bottles?" I asked.

I got The Look.

I finished cleaning up.

Comments

[shewhobeatsass]

Wow. Reminds me of the "HOLY SHIT, THE CANDLE'S STILL BURNING!" incident from a few weeks ago. I think I hurt my back from scraping all that wax off the floor...

[Roxanne]

I needed this laugh today thanks Wil. You are a good hubby, you know the look and smart enough not to challenge it. I think those Izzies learned their lesson.

[Natalie]

I LOL'd

[trinitytao]

IZZY soda is the only soda to drink
YUMMO
too bad certain bottles which will remain unnamed felt the need to commit suicide :P
:D

[Gandhi]

The Look?!?
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

[Ian Warrender]

'The look', my wife gives me that as well!.

Just want to clear something up for my (current) home town, by bottles of Newcastle do you mean 'Newkie Brown'?

[Snow In Summer]

GeekessDaisy: Apparently, calling Trader Joe's another grocery store is like calling Tim Horton's another donut shop. ;-)

[EdwoodCA]

Argh! I give up! What song are you referencing with "an explosion of horrible, entropic freedom"???

Is that some rare, b-side, They Might Be Giants tune?

/kidding!

[Jon]

This was GREAT. I miss your stories like these - it's why I started reading your blog in the first place! More original stories, less links to other sites :)

[Icelander]

I'm surprised someone geeky enough to write "horrible, entropic freedom" and "There were... errors" hasn't hacked his fridge to fix this obvious design flaw.

Great post, though. These are the kind I share with my wife and she gives me "The Look." She's mastered the art of delivering it over TCP/IP.

[Hans Moleman]

Wil,
You're beating us over the head with the "I'm adult/old and out of touch witht the kids". I am the same age as you, and I still feel like a kid who doesn't know what the hell I'm doing sometimes. I am a sucessful design professional, I have a 4 month old son, which one would think would make me feel like, you know, an adult. But I don't.
Give it another 20 years before you start thinking you're out of touch. Shit, try never.

[teflonjedi]

...and this is exactly why I come back to this blog, day after day. A sense of humor similar to my own. Thanks, and cheers!

[VT]

You totally should've used the Voice on the Izze bottle. Barring that, reinforce the basket. ;)

[mrspooley]

hooray! fantastic post. I happened here from blogher and am so glad I did. I'll be back to read more... and I'm checking out those archives.

[Jim Kiser]

Guinness in a CAN?!?!

That is sacrilege!!

Please tell me you at least poor in into a glass to drink it.

[Michele]

That was a great story, made even better by the fact you didnt cut the everlivingshit out of your feet. Just watch out for invisible straglers! They can be very evil. Oh and I know it's off topic but, I got to watch Python last night and I have to say you don't look half bad with purple hair.

[Andy]

Futurama-gnets, eh? Good choice there.
Great post Wil, you're a brilliant writer.

[alikitty619]

Thanks for that giggle this morning!

BTW, any chance of a purchase date for the new book? We're dyin' here.

[Marley2112]

Unless these people have actual draught systems installed in their homes, don't let anyone knock your Guinness in a can. At least it is Guinness, which is a Gift From the Universe.

This post is made of *win*.

[GeekessDaisy]

GeekessDaisy: Apparently, calling Trader Joe's another grocery store is like calling Tim Horton's another donut shop. ;-)

Ahhhh, now I'm completely understand hehe. Thanks.

[meredith]

Trader Joe's and alcohol don't have to be mutually exclusive ... I'm trapped in Connecticut, where supermarkets are only allowed to sell beer (and only if they are above a certain square footage, and then only until 8pm and not at all on Sundays, and outside of the Sacred Hours you're not even allowed to LOOK at the beer, I shit ye not, by law the stores have to cover the beer aisles up with tarps), so no Two-Buck Chuck (or even cheap beer) for us. :(

So it's not the Mormons' fault, alas. I would blame TJ's Corporate Overlords.

[iamhoff]

Classic! On a beer note, I live here in San Diego and as such enjoy Stone's Pale and Arrogant Bastard Ales. They just had their 11th Anniversary beer fest, and a guest brewery was Bear Republic out of Healdsburg, CA (Sonoma County, 45 miles north of SF). I tried their Racer 5 India Pale Ale and it just blew me away. As much as I lurvs me some Stone Pale, the Bear Republic IPA just left it in the dust. BevMo is a distributor, so you should be able to find it in Pahsahd-na (quick, name the ref!) with little effort. I think you'll be pleased.

[arspoetica028]

That's too funny! I have never known refrigerators to attack people, but I guess yours has a mind of its own, huh?
As for "the look," I am with you on that. While I have received it plenty of times from my well-intentioned mother, I am still perfecting mine :)

[R]

hee. hee hee.

[BOCK]

Ah, that's good comedy.