trudging through fog

In his blog today, Neil says:

The best thing about writing fiction is that moment where the story catches fire and comes to life on the page, and suddenly it all makes sense and you know what it's about and why you're doing it and what these people are saying and doing, and you get to feel like both the creator and the audience. Everything is suddenly both obvious and surprising ("but of course that's why he was doing that, and that means that...") and it's magic and wonderful and strange.

I've felt that with the narrative non-fiction that I write, especially while I was working on Just A Geek, and it's the reason I keep trying to (privately) write fiction, even though I get terrified and give up after a few hundred words each time I do it.

A good friend of mine recently quit his very lucrative, very safe, very reliable job to pursue his dream to be an actor. I was equally horrified and impressed when he said he had to ditch what he called his safety net so he would be hungry and devoted and dedicated to the acting journey. I've done that journey, and it's one of the most difficult journeys available to the hopeful artist. My friend is outrageously talented, though, so of course he instantly booked a job in a big budget movie with an impressive cast. He may not have the safety net beneath him, but it's looking like he's not going to need it.

Me? I can't afford to cut away the safety net, because if I fall to my death, I take down the three other people who rely on me to support them.

I want to be a writer with a capital W, though, and it drives me crazy that I can't just make something up and take a reader on a journey through someone else's life the way I do with my own. I mean, I love to read fiction, I love to improvise scenes on stage, and I had more fun writing the Star Trek manga than I thought possible . . . but I get massive stage fright when I try to completely make stuff up. The last time I tried it and foolishly published the works in progress on my blog, it was a spectacular disaster. Oh well, at least it was spectacular.

I like writing, and I like blogging. Despite what many of us who keep blogs have argued over the years, I'm starting to believe that these are two different things, requiring different disciplines and abilities. While they use the same basic skill sets, the difference between them (for me, at least) is the difference between playing third base and right field. If I were to cut away the safety net, I'd have to stop blogging, I think, and just focus full time on being a student of creative writing. Yeah, I'm about fifteen years too late for that one.

However, when I wanted to be a comedy writer and improviser, I took classes to help me take my desire and whatever raw talent I had, and shape it into something useful, so I'm doing the same thing with writing. I read a lot, and not just as an audience member, but as a student. I have a couple of books on writing technique, specifically pertaining to short stories. I've been working through them, and the suggestions they give for technique -- structure, finding stuff that I'm passionate about and using it as inspiration for a story -- all seems so obvious to me when I read it, I'm surprised and not surprised all at once that I haven't already thought of it.

I'm getting good advice and guidance from these books and blogs I'm reading by and about capital "W" Writers, and though it's intimidating and overwhelming just about every step of the way (The Voice of Self Doubt keeps pushing his face up against the window of my soul and making scary faces at me, knowing that I'm unable to fully draw the drapes) Neil's affirmation has been printed out and pasted on the wall right above my computer, so I can look at it and stay on target:

You don't live there always when you write. Mostly it's a long hard walk. Sometimes it's a trudge through fog and you're scared you've lost your way and can't remember why you set out in the first place.

But sometimes you fly, and that pays for everything.

If Neil Fucking Gaiman can admit to feeling scared, if Neil Fucking Gaiman can admit that, even for him, it's a long hard walk, then I can also admit that it feels like that to me every single time I sit down and try to write fiction, and remember something John Scalzi said to me during dinner last week: "Don't be afraid to suck."

It seems so simple, doesn't it? It's the advice I give to actors who are going in on auditions: "Don't be afraid to suck, and don't be afraid to do your own thing. The important thing is to entertain yourself and forget about the result."

Why can't I take my own advice when it comes to writing? Probably because I have less experience as a writer than I do as an actor, and because I care about writing a hell of a lot more than I care about acting.

Maybe if I spend enough time trudging through the fog, I'll run into Neil, and he can help me find my way out.

Comments

[wittyenough]

I have been reading you since August of 2001, and I have enjoyed your perspective on life, the universe and everything. I'll wait patiently for you to find your way and your voice because I believe it will rawk. Good luck.

[Naikrovek]

Dude, just write. So what if its crap? (It won't be)

Create a scenario, add some characters, and start writing. UNDERSTAND your characters and they'll write the book for you. Don't stick to one scene for too long. Don't stick to one plotline for too long. Bounce back and forth between three or four plots.

It will write itself.

[PaladinPhoenix]

Man, Wil, I've read your books. I've read your blog. If you're not a writer with a capital W, then I don't know what a writer is.

The trick isn't making the first draft pretty. The trick is making the first draft. Something ridiculous (like, 90% or whatever) of all novels started by amateur writers don't get finished. If you FINISH the book, then you're better then a ridiculously amount of writers-with-lower-case-w's.

You have THREE books! THREE! How many books does is take for you to be a Writer?

Stop getting down on yourself. Don't get a big head about it either, but face the facts. You ARE a Writer. The rest is just semantics.

[Soo]

Why can't you take your own advice? Because you're human, Wil, just like the rest of us.

There's a Beautiful South song, "Window Shopping for Blinds," that has my most favoritest quote in it:

How do you know you can't swim until you have drowned?

Go ahead--take the plunge!

[Chrissy]

NaNoWriMo! It's right around the corner...

[Tara]

Wil, I understand how writing fiction and writing about your life are two different things. But remember, when you first started writing about your life in your blog, you were rough. It took you a little to find your voice. It's a voice I love to read. I know that if you focus you will find your fiction voice, and you won't believe how easy it will be when you find it. Start writing fiction based off of what you know: poker, gaming, Star Trek, family, being a geek. Soon you'll find a character and a story that you can't wait to write about to see what happens next:)
~~TARA~~

[joshua m. neff]

I love to read fiction . . . but I get massive stage fright when I try to completely make stuff up.

Holy crap, Wil, you just absolutely nailed what's been going on in my own head lately. I get this itch, and when I'm not creating something--sketching ideas for a story, writing poetry, prep for a tabletop RPG--that itch doesn't get scratched. I start feeling antsy and frustrated and bored with life. I read stories, and that ones that really fire me up make me think, "I want to create stories like that, too!" But if I even get to the point where I start on a story, I get stage fright, I second guess myself, I scare myself into giving it up. I know it's stupid to give up, I know I shouldn't worry about sucking, I know...but I do.

Earlier today I was thinking about your post where you talked about "it's the journey, not the destination," and I thought that the problem with my fiction writing is that even when I enjoy the journey, what I'm most excited about is the destination. I really hope I can teach myself how to stop focusing on the destination and to just groove on the journey, but man is it hard.

[ang]

“Why can't I take my own advice when it comes to writing? Probably because … I care about writing a hell of a lot more than I care about acting.”

I think you’ve got it right there, Wil. It is precisely because you care so much – about your family, your craft, your compatriots, your readers – it generates this fear which frequently results in paralysis for many people. Your advantage is that you are not paralyzed by that fear, but you still feel it. Take heart in the fact that you do carry the courage to see this through; and those you care so much about will be there to help carry you through.

It’s always easier to give advice to others, and so much more difficult to take the same advice yourself.

[mirkrim]

Anything, man, when it comes to the creative arts it's always like that. I'm discovering it myself as well... somehow I gotta keep the urge to experiment in the forefront, and not give ground to that fear.

[justme]

Wil Wheaton and John Scalzi at dinner ... I don't know which of you I'm more jealous of.

And I'm a very regular reader, but I don't remember any spectacular disasters ...

[SteveM]

Wil:

Go get the book "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. It is well worth the read for anyone who wants to be an artist of any type, and is especially good for those wanting to be a writer. I found the book highly inspirational. Go to your nearest bookstore and get it now, or get it from Amazon. It will be one of the best books you've bought this month!

[barbq1]

Wil,

Just go for it. I remember reading the bits of the short stories/fiction that you would post and felt absolutely blown away by it. So maybe you won't be up on Gaiman's level when you first write, but who cares? Every writer has to take that first step. You've already taken yours. You started with a blog and have completed THREE books. Not very many people can say that.
Perhaps while blogging, keep a dream journal and a separate place for your other writing. Daydream of characters and situations and like others mentioned before...jump in with both hands and feet.
You won't know unless you try and as an artist, you have to scratch that itch.

[maybaby]

I'm with you, Wil.

I'm a graduate of a fine creative writer's program. Unfortunately for my family's income, I'm a poet by nature and training. I love narrative non-fiction and essays, though fiction is elusive (and sucky)when I attempt it.

I'm still trying fiction, though I only let one person read it and comment. I'd started blogging as a way to practice personal essays, but I'm finding, as you mention, that blogging is something different from Writing.

Keep plugging away. As a long time reader of your blog, your voice has grown and strengthened so much over the years. You're very talented and you're willing to work at it. That's a lot of the battle, right there.

[Savage Steve]

I feel the same way about my photography. Intellectually, I know what I need to do to create a good photograph, but when I go out and try to create in the field... I freeze up. I shoot crap and feel like crap because of it. Mostly this is because I am a perfectionist and I am afraid to produce anything less than something totally brilliant.

I offer two quotes that I have found in my photographic journey that have helped me, at times, "unfreeze" my creativity (although I'm always struggling):

"Pursue perfection, but be willing to accept excellent accomplishment as a compromise to stagnation." - Brooks Jensen, editor of LensWork

"Twelve significant photographs in any one year is a good crop." - Ansel Adams (he shot thousands of negatives a year to get his "twelve good ones")

My own philosophy is that you have to take chances and probably create a bunch of crap along the way in order to achieve your vision. Nobody will remember the crap, just the gems.

As you have written, it's the journey and not the destination. I'll add that one to my inspirational quotes.

Good luck and good writing.

[orcaarrow]

I can't recommend Stephen King's On Writing enough. But, I'm not sure that I would take any advice from me. I'm lousy at completing writing projects that I start.

[Jaded Empath]

Dude, several people have hit important 'reveals' you've made about why you're blocking yourself from trying to dip your toe in the 'big, bad Pool o' Fiction(tm)'.

One that I've noticing is this - you're a perfectionist; you always worry about whether *anything* you're doing is good enough/long enough/funny enough/strong enough/ad nauseam.

...and if you wanna make sh...er, shtuff up, you're going to HAVE to put that perfectionism aside and just start out and make some UTTER CRAP.

You *don't* have to let ANYONE know about it (even your family); just take some situation like "a pained-looking man is smoking and drinking at the bar; he sighs, and thinks about..." and whip out a quick scene, or vignette, or whatever.

and here's the secret; then you THROW IT AWAY.

That was just an exercise; practice at this different art.

An eon ago, I actually dabbled in narrative fiction - mostly as a way to communicate with my long-distance sweetheart (cheap gift that shows I care - a stuffed toy cost postage and a couple of weeks to get to her; emailing a story was ISP fees I was already paying and maybe 5min transmission time)

Maybe two years of that, and I pumped out a fair amount of prose. And I look back on some of the stuff I wrote and it was complete and utter drivel - simplistic, flat characters; jarring, contrived plots; and everything was SOAKED in saccharine happy endings (but then, remember my audience :) ).

...but I also got better through that. It took those first fumbling efforts to GET to some of my later stuff that I can actually feel proud of even years later.

I wager I could write a *competent* short story if pressed...I don't as a hobby since my main impetus - an absent sweetheart - is no longer influencing me - she's now sitting five feet away.

But enough about me - the best thing you should do is just WRITE, as others have said.

And unlike others, I'll be honest and agree with you that the first attempts ARE going to suck, but that's how it will have to be. You've got to make a story with a protagonist lacking in motivation in order to LEARN how to put the 'whys' behind characters' actions, etc.

You'll have to write up some short-shorts, look them over, and learn from what they lack.

And then you'll have to *let them go*. I know you'll have a compulsion to go back and revise and edit and fix, but remember that all these first stories are EXERCISES, they're PRACTICE.

Don't go back and fix some inconsistent lines of dialog in the old story, write a NEW story with a mostly different setting/characters/plot that happens to converge with the old one on that moment of dialog, and do it better in THAT story.

Diversify yourself; try out first-person and third-person, and learn the differences needed for each and benefits of each; vary your protagonist - don't have your focal character always be a witty, funny cute-bordering-on-handsome (so my wife thinks...thanks BTW ^_^) WASP-ish male in his thirties. ;)

But one thing to try is 'quickies' - just whip out a scene; 'sketch out' a room with figurative language, or just describe a single character.

Even try a 'game' my wife & I would play that I think we got from Artie Doyle: make up a 'backstory' about someone you see.

Just like Sherlock Holmes could examine a person and detect minor details that helped reveal their background and history, so she or I would take that businessman waiting across the aisle from us at the airport boarding gate - he's impatient; is he wanting to get back to the wife he wears a wedding band for? Or his mistress? Or has he *murdered* his mistress _here_ and wants to hurry home and establish his alibi? Is he merely needing to go to the bathroom, but doesn't wanna leave the gate for fear of missing his boarding call?

Just take someone you see and start MAKING SHTUFF UP about them, and the more fanciful and improbable? The BETTER.

And again, this is all just 'homework' - you don't have to tell US about ANY of it. Put it to one side, and maybe keep this shorty that you first did something special, or that one where you first figured out how to interweave a flashback in one character's head *while* she was talking in the present to another character, etc.

But WRITE; write crap, write beautiful, write pr0n, write stereo instructions, write love poems, write shopping lists; just KEEP WRITING. Narrative fiction is something you admit you're rusty at, and you'll never get any better unless you PRACTICE and exercise those unused muscles you've got next to the 'blog-making' ones and the 'reminiscing' ones that work so well, already.

I know you will be a good fiction writer, but you've got to take the chance on failing - to stick with the analogy you and Neil use: you've got to go out and risk getting lost in that fog if you're EVER going to have a chance to learn where anything is out there.

[deathslittlesis]

And here I thought it was Neil "Scary Trousers" Gaiman...

[Angus]

The maxim I have posted over my desk comes from Tim Robbins. "I hate writing," he said. "It's really hard to do."

It is hard. Really hard. Hard and scary.

[Michael Storm]

Will,

I'm a long time reader, but a first time poster who felt he just had to say something. I completely understand that fear you spoke of. Part of my own fear is the fear of sucking too. This fear has prevented me from trying to get what I already have written published. You, however: have written three books, keep regular updates on this blog, as well as do regular posts for other online syndications. What makes you think you aren't a Writer?

You know exactly what happens when your fears control your life. When you let the monkey take the wheel, it doesn't drive nicely, and seldom does it drive where you want it to.

Write dammit! You know people will read it and you know if it sucks they will tell you and tell you exactly how to fix it. (some advice from someone who can't take his own either lol)

[CanComCommenter]

You want to write? Abandon the romantic view. Take the pragmatic, Heinleinian (if that's a word) view:

Rule One: You Must Write

Rule Two: Finish What Your Start

Rule Three: You Must Refrain From Rewriting, Except to Editorial Order

Rule Four: You Must Put Your Story on the Market

Rule Five: You Must Keep it on the Market until it has Sold

http://www.sfwriter.com/ow05.htm

Two choices for you:

Do it.

Or don't do it.

There is no try.

[mxley]

I started to write about a method which worked for a friend.

I have decided that would be unproductive advice. But having been involved with several productive authors from various venues, let me say one thing: they all wrote for at least 2 hours a day.

It doesn't matter that what you produce any one day is good or not - but it will provide a framework to either dump (because it's wobbly), or something to build upon.

I have been closely involved with both fiction and (mostly) non-fiction writers. They have ALL felt the paralysis of doubt.

The only way through is THROUGH! Write every day, even if you end up throwing much of yesterday's out. It will always be better than you think. Writing about your own life's events will be easier, of course. Writing fiction will be a stretch -but doesn't a stretch feel wonderful?

Mary

[Angus]

Forgot to mention the other quote I have tacked up over my desk, from Noel Coward: "Work is more fun than fun."

[Kara]

And so what if you don't ever write a piece of fiction that gets published? Maybe your purpose in life IS to share your experiences so eloquently and interestingly that you inspire other people. It may be a bitter pill to swallow, but I believe you should embrace your strong points.

There's nothing wrong with trying--or even failing--but look at your successes. You've had many, and YOU inspire people every day with not just your books but with mere ramblings on a blog.

My mind boggles when I read fiction. I just don't have it in me to write like that. I excel at marketing writing and technical writing, and I like to think I'm a pretty decent editor. But I have little talent for the creative side of writing. And you know what? I'm just fine with that.

[MattB5]

The best thing I can think of is the first page of the Klutz book on juggling. Something to the effect of: Take a ball. Drop it on the floor. Repeat this a few times. Get used to it. This will happen a lot.

Drop a few balls. I definitely subscribe to what Tara said. Your early blog may have been rough. But you've developed this skill, this voice. Fiction is a different skill set. You're not gonna jump in and juggle 5 flaming axes your first time.

And, cripes, who cares if it sucks. What's the worst that's gonna happen? People will flame you. FFS, you've endured a shit-ton worse than that.

[Steven E. McDonald]

Y'know, writing fiction (whether novels, stories, screenplays, audio drama, whatever) has been a running duality -- sometimes the easiest thing I've ever done, sometimes the most impossible task I ever gave myself. It can be dark and scary and even painful.

Part of the problem is that that most kinds of writing don't give you immediate feedback...you're navigating a minefield in the dark, often at a dead run. Blogging will get you immediate feedback, even if it's some tool flaming you. Acting will generally get you immediate feedback from someone (and I envy you the type of voice acting gigs you do, for that reason; I'm doing stuff remotely, and feedback can take weeks.)

The way to do it, if you really want to write fiction *that* much, is to get stuck in...face the fear, face the solitude, just do it, word by bloody word, and keep it up until you finish something.

And for Christ's sake, don't stick it on the web for comments, or you'll enjoy being a Toaster Pop. Don't put it out there until you've gone over it, and maybe had one of the many pros you know take a gander at it and give you constructive criticism. If you've got a story to tell, get it told.

Banging on about how scared you get writing a few words of prose really isn't a good way to go about it. Wheaton, you have the fucking cojones to expose yourself to the Hollywood acting cattle run *repeatedly* -- I did that a couple of times and bailed on it; it's a killer -- and you seem to have some talent for writing. A man with brass balls the size of yours shouldn't be balking at seriously trying what every brain-dead cocksucker in Los Angeles thinks they can do.

Do it. Dooooo eeeeeeeeeeet.