the pretty white ships that i've been dreaming of

I haven't had a theatrical agent for years, so I don't have as many auditions or opportunities to work as an actor as I once did. I have a fantastic manager, though, who always gets me into quality auditions, where I have a real shot at booking the job.[1]

My manager and I have an understanding that I'm primarily focused on writing at the moment, so he can put his time and energy into his other clients who are full-time actors, while keeping an eye out for parts like NUMB3RS, where I have a better than average shot to nail the audition.[2] This arrangement has worked out really well for both of us.

Last week, he got me an audition for a wonderful role on [awesome show redacted]. I had less than a day to prepare it but I did my best, and when I got into the room . . . I sucked. Oh, man how I sucked. I think the stink of my reading is still sitting in that building, a week after I left. In fact, if you see hazmat teams in Studio City, now you know why.

Luckily for us, the casting director was willing to give good, honest, useful feedback on my audition. The bottom line? He felt like I was really "acting" when I was in there. My performance wasn't organic, it wasn't honest, it wasn't real. In other words, it wasn't very good.

When my manager relayed this to me, it was like Billy Zabka swept my leg. Getting caught acting was one of my worst fears realized. Good actors don't get caught acting, bad actors get caught acting. Ergo . . . well, I'd rather not say it out loud.

For the next couple of days, I spent a lot of time thinking about how that happened, and I had to face an uncomfortable reality: maybe I was so out of practice, and so focused on writing (instead of acting), maybe I just don't have what it takes to be a successful on-camera actor anymore.

I had a real crisis on my hands, but before I could call my manager and discuss it yesterday, he called me with another audition.

"Okay," I thought, "I'll just go on this audition, and after the holiday weekend, I'll see if we can have lunch, and face this reality together."

I prepared the audition, keenly aware of all the things I'd done wrong with the [awesome show redacted] audition. I went through all the things I've written about acting and auditioning, and listened to a lot of my own advice and experience. I decided that I'd get in, do my thing, and get out.[3] I thought about a number of conversations I've recently had with a friend of mine who just booked a similar role on [very very very awesome show redacted], and applied some of his decision making to my own. I kept it simple, and I never thought, "Well, this is it. If this one doesn't work, I'm hanging up my dance belt."[4] Instead, I just prepared my take on this character, made some deliberate-but-risky choices, and went to work.

When I was in the room, I didn't think about the people there, I didn't think about what was at stake (directly or indirectly) and I just focused on the person I was reading with. I didn't do anything fancy, just gave them my simple-but-deliberate take on this guy.

I felt better than I felt after I sucked out loud last week. I didn't know if I nailed it, but I'd made my deliberate-but-risky choices, and I'd committed to them entirely. Whether I got the job or not, at least I had that to take home with me and keep in a box on the shelf for the weekend.

A few hours after I got home, my manager called me.

"Well, I have some feedback," he said.

"That was fast," I said.

"Yeah, I guess they wanted you to know right away that you're hired."

"Really?!" I said. I always say that, even though I know that my manager is never going to call me up, tell me a got a job, and then say, "Ha! PSYKE!"

"Yes, really." He said.

So I squeed, and he outlined the deal for me. I get guest-starring billing at the beginning of the show on my own card, I work for eight days, and -- best of all -- I'll earn enough to qualify for SAG's "good" health insurance for at least another year.

I can't say anything about the role, because I don't have permission from the producers and the network, but I think I can safely reveal that it's for Criminal Minds on CBS, and it's a part that I am going to love bringing to life.

There is a lesson here about not giving up. There's a lesson here about learning from your mistakes and applying that knowledge, instead of wallowing in self-pity. I'm not pointing that out because I think anyone else needs to hear it; I'm pointing it out because I'm going to forget it sooner or later, and I want to remember it the next time I go searching through my writing for advice from myself.

One more thing: when I had the audition last week, I did my best, even though my best was crap. When I did my audition yesterday, I did my best, and it was much better than what "my best" was just a week ago. Someone once said to me that we should always do our best, and understand and accept that "our best" will vary from time to time. I'm glad I remembered that.

And now, footnotes:

[1] That may not make sense. Let me explain: pretty much every agent I ever had would submit me on as many projects as possible, whether I was really right for the role or not. I guess the logic here is that you get more chances to score when you take more shots, which makes a certain amount of sense, but in practice is pretty frustrating for actors who keep getting sent out for roles that they have no chance of booking. (I realize that, to actors who are struggling for any auditions, this seems like a wonderful problem to have, but it really isn't.)

[2]Years ago, I took an extensive and comprehensive marketing class, where I learned a whole bunch of stuff about how to market myself as an actor, and how to find breakout roles that are supported by five or six things that define my personality -- my essences, in the language of this course. My manager looks for roles that match up with my essences, while a larger team of agents may just look for parts that call for a white male, 30-36.

[3]This is one of the valuable things I learned while writing sketch comedy.

[4]What? You don't wear a dance belt to every audition?

Comments

[GeekessDaisy]

That's awesome that you were able to just pick up and move on. And Criminal Minds! That's just great! One of my top 5 shows! Congrats on the role, and getting the "good" health insurance.

[Kudra]

You just made me realize why my interview went badly last week. I have been doing the same thing. Focusing on writing so much I forget how it is to work in the real world. Interviews are the same as auditions in that way. Forgetting about what's at stake and just being myself at an interview would make a huge difference. I will remember that for the next interview...if I ever get one. As usual thanks for the not-really-directed-at-me-advice. Timely as ever.

[Dave Westbay]

Congrats on the job! When you are rusty at something, sometimes you have to shake off the rust (see: your crappy audition last week) so you will be ready for the next chance (see: the successful audition this week). Of course, I'm not telling you something that you don't already know. But remembering that can make the pain of the sucky time sting a little less.

I look forward to seeing your episode of Criminal Minds, and I'll be watching for the announcement of the air date.

Oh: I lost my dance belt some years ago. I should get a new one.

[Clinton the Trekkie]

Gratz on nailing the part, Wil.

Good Health Insurance!!
wooT!

[Sara]

Great post! I always mean to visit your blog after seeing your threads on FARK, and I'm glad I came today.

Every so often I'm horrified by how bad some of my previous work is, compared to what I perceive as my "best" now. It's a good reminder that our best efforts can vary and I have to keep working on mine...

Thanks and congrats.

[Tony]

I enjoy these times in your blog where you are really honest about your creative work. I like your insight about the creative process, and I also like reading about how you try to maintain your creative integrity while dealing with publishers, auditions, etc., etc. Congratulations on your achievement this week! :-)

[geekgirl]

I'm glad you're not hanging up your "dancing shoes" as I love your writing but it's still fun to see you in your acting jobs. Criminal Minds is one of my favorite shows so I'm excited to see you on it. Congratulations!

[rseppala]

Well congratulations. I would say, this particular blog is pretty insightful, coming from your own perspective and experience. The idea that you still experience those things others experience while going through an audition. It should also be ringing some bells for others trying to get their foot in the door, so to speak.

In a couple of weeks I'll be auditioning at local theatre here in Michigan. The play is called Barefoot In The Park by Paul Simon. I can really get into the Telephone Man part. Eh..we'll see. I'm just gonna have fun with it. My perspective is, you only live once (that we know of) and I just want to do whatever I am physically and mentally capable of before they put me out to pasture. Whether it's writing, doing CG,
animating, biochem, acting, mathematics, whatever. I always wanted to be Ben Franklin...don't want to look like him, but wanted to be him. LOL

[ColleenS]

I am happy and excited for you Wil! You are going to be acting in one of my favorite shows. I will be waiting impatiently for it to air.

[Will Hindmarch]

Way to go, Wil. I haven't seen the show since Mantegna (who I love!) joined up, since CBS doesn't come in on my antenna, but it's good TV. Matthew Gray Gubler is freaking hilarious in the DVD outtakes and YouTube stuff he did. Get it on that stuff.

[Clay]

Congrats, Wil! Awesomeness for you!

And please. Don't post any pictures of you in your dance belt, mkaythanks.

Clay

[ZiggyNJ]

w00t!

[jslicer]

Hey, good jorb as always! Pleasing to be keeping us informed on the air date and time, yes?

[Anna Harriman]

Criminal Minds? HELL YEAH! That's my second-favorite CBS show! I will definitely be looking out for an announcement of air date...and if it comes after I'm graduated and out of the school apartment, I will be harassing my little sister for the television that night.

If it comes before graduation, well...the Crazy Lady Who Lives Upstairs will just have to deal with the cheering.

[Jenn M.]

Great news! That's a good show and I look forward to watching you on it.

[msgoonie]

Well done, Wil! It helps to be Taoist about anything stressful (i.e. go with the Way of the flow).

...Must remember own ideas as I search for a job...

[Starr01]

Sweet!

[One Salient Oversight]

Far out. I am SOOO glad I am not an actor. You've been doing this ever since you were a kid and you STILL have "moments" where your self belief gets shredded by circumstances.

Man... imagine what other actors go through who are less talented / less well known that you?

It's enough to drive them crazy.

Or, at least, to relocate to the San Fernando Valley and break into the porn industry.

[FEJ]

Congrats on the job Wil!

[J. Erik Lundberg]

Congrats, Wil! W00t and so forth!

[thekatebeyond]

I am choosing to believe that the article you linked to about the potential for spin-off is a coded message (though it would be a code lacking subtlety, I suppose). I do not expect you will confirm or deny. Either way, the thought makes me happy!

Congrats on doing your best and getting rewarded for it!

[Jon Snow]

Congrats, Wil! Can't wait to see the episode! I think I know something about the episode you'll be on, b/c I work sometimes as an extra and the casting company is looking for a certain type of background.

[Jon Snow]

Congrats, Wil! Can't wait to see the episode! I think I know something about the episode you'll be on, b/c I work sometimes as an extra and the casting company is looking for a certain type of background.

[Dan Wallace]

Nice Jonathan Coulton reference! You know, for the self-pitying part, and how it's kinda like the song and all. Still my favorite song about a giant squid.

[Craig Steffen]

By the way, for non actor/theater types, a "dance belt" is basically a G-string. From behind it more or looks like you're nekkid. For instance, in Dogma, when Chris Rock's character Rufus falls from the sky, he's wearing one.

The reason that I know what one is is because of one of the making-of features on the Tron 20th anniversary DVD. Bruce Boxlightner and Jeff Bridges talk about wearing them under the spandex suits in the "computer world". Bruce points out that "there wasn't a lot of sitting down on the Tron set".