in which i fail a vital saving throw

It was the end of the day, and my blood sugar was dangerously low. Colors and sounds were louder than they should have been. My feet and legs had been replaced by two dull, throbbing stumps that barely supported the weight of my body.

Most of the day, I'd been signing autographs for and talking with countless excited fans. Some of them shook my hand too hard and too long with a sweaty grip that trembled a little too much. Some of them stared at me uncomfortably. Some of them rambled incoherently. All of them were genuinely friendly, though.

I took it all in stride, because I've done this convention thing for -- my god -- two decades, and even though I don't think I'm anything worth getting excited about, I know that it happens sometimes, and I know how people occasionally react. I never laugh at them or make them feel lame. I never make jokes at their expense. I am understanding and grateful that they want to talk to me at all. I wouldn't want to talk to me if I was trapped with me in an elevator, and I certainly wouldn't be excited about the prospect if faced with the option. I am always grateful, and take nothing for granted.

A voice boomed over my head, blasting right through my eardrums and exploding inside my skull. The convention floor was closing, it announced, and it was time for all of us to get the fuck out.

Red-jacketed security guards emerged from shadows I hadn't noticed during the day. A handful at first, then a dozen, like zombies pouring through a breach in a barricade. They shambled forward relentlessly, single-mindedly driving a mass of exhibitors and straggling fans toward the doors.

I picked up my backpack, inexplicably heavier than it was before I emptied pounds of books from it earlier in the day, and heaved it onto my shoulders. My back screamed.

"You have to vacate the hall," a girl said to me. She couldn't have been older than eighteen, but clearly wasn't going to take any shit from anyone, especially someone in my weakened state.

"I'm on my way," I said. I turned to say goodbye to my boothmates, and saw the unmistakable visage of Jeph Jacques walk past behind them.

I've done this convention thing for a long time, so I knew that it was unlikely that I'd have a chance to say more than three words to Jeph before the convention was over. If I didn't seize the moment, I probably wouldn't get another chance. I smiled at the girl, faked to my right, and spun to my left around her. I nearly fell over from the effort.

"Hey . . ." she began. I took two quick steps away from her with my last bits of strength.

"Jeph!" I called out. He kept walking. He's done this convention thing before, and, like me, knows that when someone calls out your name at the end of the day it's best to pretend you didn't hear them so you can just get the hell out of the hall and to a place where you can recover your hit points. This place is usually called a bar.

"Jeph! It's Wil Wheaton!" I called out. I don't know Jeph well enough to call him a friend, but we've talked at shows before, and I've always enjoyed our limited interactions. Maybe if he knew it was me, and not some random person, he'd stop so I could say hello. Maybe he wouldn't want to talk to me if we were trapped in an elevator, but I knew the security guards were closing in, and if I could get into his Circle of Protection: Exhibitor, maybe I could stay there for a couple of minutes.

He stopped and turned around. He smiled wearily, and said hello. We shook hands, and I noticed that he'd been walking with someone.

"Hey, have you ever met Randall?" He said.

His companion turned to me and extended his hand. My brain screamed at me, "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THAT'S RANDALL MUNROE! BE COOL!"

Before I knew what was happening, my hand shot out from my body and grabbed his. I incoherently babbled something about how much I love his work. He tried to say something, but I just. kept. talking.

My brain screamed at me, "SHUT UP! YOU'RE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF YOU ASSHOLE!"

My mouth, however, was out of my control. I continued to ramble, vomiting a turgid cascade of genuinely-excited praise and gratitude all over him.

A full minute later, I realized, to my abject horror, that my hand was still shaking his. I held it too hard in a sweaty, trembling hand. Darkness flashed at the edges of my vision, and I felt weak. I pulled my hand back, a little too quickly, mumbled an apology, and shut my mouth.

They said things to me, but I couldn't hear them over my own brain screaming at me, "GET OUT OF THERE YOU COCKASS. YOU HAD ONE CHANCE TO MEET RANDALL MUNROE AND YOU BLEW IT! I HATE YOU! YOU GO TO HELL NOW! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!"

A hand fell on my shoulder. I turned toward it, and saw the security girl.

"Sir, you need to leave the hall." She said. "Now." She had backup: a pair of similarly-aged teens, two boys working on their first mustaches. They fixed me with a steely-eyed gazes.

I have never been so relieved to be kicked out of anyplace in the world as I was then.

"I guess I better go," I said. I took a short breath, and lamely added, "it's really nice to meet you. I really do love your work."

My brain did the slow clap.

His reply did not penetrate the wall of shame I'd constructed around myself, though I clearly recall that he didn't make fun of me, or make me feel stupid, or let on that I was a sweaty, shaking, raving lunatic. He didn't appear to be grateful that we weren't trapped in an elevator, though I suspect he must have been. As I fled the hall, I was grateful for his kindness, patience, and understanding.

Once outside, I went to a place where I could forget my appalling embarrassment.

That place was called a bar.

Comments

[Jake von Slatt]

I totally hugged Xeni Jardin at Maker Faire - I know exactly how you feel!

[Murky]

That security guard sounds like a real jobsworth.... especially when you're there as a guest of the organisers.

It'd be bad enough if she was talking to members of the public, let alone guests.

[Middle Aged Woman]

I've met and talked to Randy Newman a few times. He is also very gracious. I'm always nervous about meeting people I admire, in case they turn out to be, you know, assholes. YOU seem pretty cool. If I ever get to meet you I promise not to stutter TOO much.

[Mario Panighetti]

I totally sympathize with what you went through! I went through a similar situation meeting Wil Wheaton at Comic-Con.

[Berry]

I know what it's like. Back when I was young and had serious intention of being a photographer (or at least a serious amateur) I had the good fortune to meet Ansel Adams and see his darkroom. I think I managed to say one coherent sentence all day.

[Jules]

That very nicely sums up my fears for an event that is about to happen. In the next week or so I may get the change to hang out with Sir Ian McKellen. He is a friend of one of my fiance's friends and they are arranging for me to hang with him for a few days. He is on of my fave actors of all time and I have studied him for years. I am very much afraid that I will become an idiot at said event and he will never want to grace my appearance again when he comes back here next summer. Just thinking about it give me butterflies and makes me want to vomit huge.

[dkscully]

As far as I can tell, from my experience of conventions and from listening to both guests and other attendees, it doesn't matter how many times you meet cool people and it doesn't matter how famous (or otherwise) you are yourself, just occasionally, you'll still manage to meet someone who makes you do the clammy overlong handshake and inane verbal diarrhoea thing.

[danfaust]

I feel your pain, dude.

I failed a similar saving throw a few years back when I met Joss Whedon at WizardWorld in Chicago. It was between seasons 3 and 4 of Buffy, Joss was signing autographs and making small-talk. Our brief chat went like this:

Me: Will there be more Xander next season.

Joss: Yes

Me: Good...(wait for it)...I like Xander.

Not horribly egregious, I admit. But, to this day, I have nightmares about that moment. I wake up in a cold sweat at 3 a.m., convinced that he recalls every second of our exchange as vividly as I do. Of course, I know he doesn't.

But, I'm happy to say that I was much smoother when Ron Rifkin came into the bookstore I used to work at.

[Charisma69]

Danfaust; I was just getting ready to say that I would probably be that way if I ever met Joss Whedon. I haven't actually got to meet anyone famous myself though, so I only have the embarrassment of trying to talk to boys I had a crush on in Jr. High.

I'm really hoping to be able to go to a convention one of these years so I can have the embarrassment of being the idiot trying to talk to someone I admire.

[Anna Harriman]

Failed a saving throw almost 3 years ago when I met Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes at the Stash in Red Bank.

The only thing that made me feel better was my little sister failing a more vital throw about 5 seconds later. I'm a terrible older sibling.

[.M]

It's good you (the big star) know how it feels for us (humble fangirls and -boys). :)

[Meili D]

Aw, poor Wil. You really are normal ;) Yeah, had my own experience when I came to California for school and my "teen idol" [name blocked to prevent humiliation]. All the years of rehearsed possibly things to say, and the ONLY thing that blurts out of my mouth is "Can I have your autograph?"

[aineaune]

i have been that sweaty handed babbler...oh, wait, that's when i met you. i quite literally don't remember a thing i said, i only remember the inner monologue set on repeat of "you moron...breathe...you moron...breathe".
but you're quite right, you were very nice. the idiot feeling came from me, not from you. :)

[Alexia in Toronto]

Ahahaha... you said "cockass". ;)
Great story(telling), Wil. Like mentioned in the comment just a few before mine, it's nice to know that you (the big star) can have fanboy tendencies, too.

[Barbara Eyre]

Wil,

I, too, know what you went through. I've met a lot of famous folks, especially the Moody Blues (several occasions, dinner, etc), Tom Baker (Doctor Who), Jonathon Frakes (Don't think you know him *wink*), WWE wrestlers, and others.

My first time, yeah, I stuttered and acted like an idiot. Then again, I was in my early teens then, so some forgiveness there. But after awhile, I got used to meeting celebrities. Had realized that they are just like the rest of us - they go through life's little adventures which shows they are only human after all.

Thanks for sharing. It's great to hear of a celebrity having his own tongue-tied moment. Not that it's great that you felt embarrassed by the whole thing, but you know what I mean.

I wouldn't worry, I'm sure that they knew that, just like them, after a long day at a convention, you were very tired and some synapses weren't quite firing any longer. Comes with the territory. I've done crowd control security at conventions and a Super Bowl - I'm sure that girl just wanted to get the heck outta there also!

Pass my congrats on to Ryan on getting his driver's license!

[Banana Lee Fishbones]

That happened to me one time too! I was at OSCON in Portland Oregon a few years ago. I managed to get about 15 minutes to talk to an author who used to do some acting about possibly being in the movie I was helping to get made. He was DELIGHTFUL to speak with and as he was leaving the dumbass in my head took control and blurted, "Any chance I can get a hug?"
He turned back, hugged me, and headed off to other things.

As this (mysterious?) person continues to both write and act I remember that afternoon more and more fondly.

Plus I have the Badtz-Maru friend card he filled out for me. So, y'know, that's cool too.

[Dickie Maxx]

Hey Wil living in SoCal I got the chance to meet many celebrities and I will agree that because it has happened so many times I don't get excited or nervous anymore. I have to say I would get nervous meeting you though. I think I can tell you why.

First when you were on Star Trek you were the Geek people like me wanted to be. But as you grew older you became the guy we would just like to share a beer with. I think the part that makes you so awesome is that you are a normal guy who loves his wife and kids. You have had normal people problems and you have overcome them. And that does make you truly amazing. So I hope you will forgive me when I do come to meet you at a convention I will be one of those nervous people.

[Suzanne Lanoue]

Hi, Will! Late Happy Birthday! I know how weird it is to get carded when you are way over 21. I am 46 and it still sometimes happens to me!
I loved getting your tweets but there were too many and I don't have unlimited text messaging (Lame I know). I always enjoy reading your blog, too! Was that Comicon you were at? My family helped start that. My three brothers were on the original committee and my mom typed up the programs. You can see a pic of the first program at http://suzann.com/images/ff/comicon.jpg

Cheers!

[Apot]

A few years ago at the LA Times book festival I turned around and there was Leonard Nimoy standing there. I suck in these situations but think I actually rolled a natural 20 and saved vs. losing my shit. It was surreal. He was on his way to sign books at a nearby booth. As fast as I could I bought his book on Jewish erotic photographs which he signed. Star Trek icon and ladies with nothing but yalmulkahs, double score me!

[Alicia]

@Anna H.: Do you live near Red Bank? I'm in Port Monmouth. Hubby went to school with Jason Mewes, & I took the order for Kevin Smith's daughter's baptism invitations from Kevin & his wife, having no idea (at the time) who he was.

@Barbara E.: OMG!!! You've had *dinner* with the Moodies?!?! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE e-mail me & tell me all about it. They're my fave band of all time!! I have 2 of Justin's guitar picks, 1 of John's, 5 of Graeme's drumsticks, & at one show John let me play a note on his bass (can't remember during which song, though.) Yes, I'm going totally fangirl here. I also love Tom Baker, & of course, Frakes! :D Wil, not only are you cool, but you attract really cool people to your blog.
-Alicia
allywag67@aol.com
www.thewagband.com

[kitschicat]

At PenguiCon this year, Randall did a NASA Q&A panel with Andy Looney, since they both previously worked there. The only question I could muster up was whether they knew if a military space shuttle, like the one in The West Wing, really exists. They were gracious in explaining that they'd have no access to that information, if it did exist. ;)

Of course, I hope that I redeemed myself by giving him a "Grenade Advocate" ribbon, as he seems to be a fellow Firefly/Serenity fan.

It really was cool to meet him. :)

Trase

[wandrew]

I've lost count of how many times I've talked to people I admire and respect, said something I thought was funny, and have them look at me like a dog that's been shown a card trick. In other words, complete bewilderment. In those situations, I average about a 50% success/fail recovery rate.
Don't worry, Wil: since I live in SoCA now I'll probably mumble incoherently at you at some point.;@)
I do know exactly what I'd say to Joss Whedon if I met him: "You won me over because Xander not only *used* the word 'antithetical' correctly, he *pronounced* it correctly."
I may be meeting a well-known ST person (other than Wil) in the next few weeks, so I will be bearing all of the above in mind.

[wandrew]

Generally, I find it helps that if you know you might be meeting a person you admire, write a short script and stick to it. That's what I did when I met Gore Vidal and Ray Bradbury @ the LA Times Book Fair. To Mr Bradbury, I said: "I don't need an autograph--I just wanted you to know that you were one of my teachers in how to be a dreamer and an imagineer." He shook my hand and said, "That's wonderful. Thank you." I walked around with a huge grin on my face for the next two hours.

[Grev]

It wasn't a saving throw. It's just that Randall was like a cat to you...and you know about the cat graph, right?

[Topaz]

So, Wil...how many drinks did it take to forget your appalling embarrassment? As Homer said: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Seriously, it's good to know you're a dork at times too. And see what a great story you got from the experience? If things had gone smoothly...BOR-ING. At least for those of us reading your blog. :>P