This was brought to my attention by a fellow Redditor in this thread.
I'd completely forgotten about it, which I can blame on it being written almost ten years ago.
Holy shit. Ten years ago.
To: < firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: star trek
Ya know the writers could have solved that whole image problem of Wesley Crusher by
A. Giving him a cool name like "Sparks Mcgee" and a peculiar accent, possibly a tattoo
B. Having him kill people randomly on the ship for no apparent reason.
C. Giving him a cool car to drive around in, like a 1978 Trans Am or one of them Dukes of Hazard cars
D. Giving him a cool catch phrase like "I got a course you can plot"
E. Wear a cowboy hat
Then like Picard would say "Number One, where the devil is Sparks Mcgee?"
Then Number one would say "In his muscle car sir", then everyone would laugh except Worf who would say some shit about honor or something. Then people at home would think, "Man that Sparks Mcgee sure is cool, a real rebel."
Internet, I would like to see Sparks McGee Cosplay at the many, many conventions I'm attending between now and the end of the year. Make it happen, Internet. I know you can do it. I believe in you.