WWdN: In Exile

wpt followup, games of our lives, GATORWATCH!!1, galactica

I wrote a follow-up article to my story about the controversy between the World Poker Tour and some top tournament pros:

The recent controversy between the World Poker Tour and several top tournament pros doesn't seem to be slowing down at all, despite an open letter to the poker community from WPT Co-founder Steve Lipscomb.

To briefly recap: The World Poker Tour requires all tournament players to grant rights to the WPT to use their image and likeness in pretty much any way the WPT chooses, without ever compensating the players for that use. Several top tournament pros aren't happy with the agreement, including WSOP Champion Chris Ferguson, who told me that he is unable to play in WPT events, because the release he is required to sign would cause him to be in breach of at least one of his existing contracts.

[. . .]

Steve Lipscomb says, "The latest hot button issue seems to be the filming release we require players to sign before they play in World Poker Tour events. The release we utilize is a standard filming release that all production companies must have signed by everyone they film - or the television broadcaster will refuse to air our material. Filming releases are always broadly drafted to protect against frivolous law suits. The language is clear. The production company can use all the footage it shoots and the person's image in all media.

But, the story does not end there. The World Poker Tour is a business. We value our relationship with WPT players and have always acted with great care and deference when using player images. The few players now trying to stir up controversy around player releases are lost in hypotheticals - not reality."

[. . .]

[I]f the WPT is not interested in using some of the rights they're demanding, why are they making the demands in the first place? Anyone with any business savvy will have a very hard time accepting "Just trust me" in this case. In fact, a top player, speaking to me on condition of anynomity said, "[Steve Lipscomb] says he needs the releases to be as they are to protect WPT, but players have offered to sign a release like the WSOP and they refused. In response to complaints about their video game rights, they did modify their agreement to explicity rule out making avatars of the players without their consent. However, that was the only limitation.  By only excluding that, they could use clips of you in the game, or even put your face on the box, with no compensation!  In fact, because they reserve these rights, a player can NOT grant exclusive rights to any video game company, because WPT already reserves certain rights. That's just one example."

Yeah! Check me out! I get anonymous sources! Woo! Anyway, if you're interested in the drama, check out the full post at CardSquad, which includes comments from Annie Duke and Daniel Negreanu.

This week's Games of our Lives follows that advice I indirectly took from Joel Hodgson and goes for some jokes that are really funny to me, but may be lost on part of the audience:

Gameplay: You play a little handy guy with cute feet and a jaunty hat. Your enemies are also little handy guys, but they're green (the universal color of evil) and have frowny faces to go with their cute little feet. Your goal is to clear all the dots in a maze, while the other little handy guys try to stop you. What sets Got-Ya apart from all the other Pac-Man knockoffs is the addition of RoShamBo. You and your enemies represent Rock, Paper, or Scissors, and when you hit each other, you'll live or die based on the classic rules of RoShamBo. Scattered around the maze are dollar signs, and when you pick one up, you can change into whichever form you want. But beware! The other little handy guys will also change form randomly.

Could be mistaken for: Ms. Pac-Man, The Hand, a trip report from the Tiltboys

Kids today may not like it because: There is no bonus level where they get to "Circle" their opponents.

Kids today may like it because: When they complete a level, their little handy guy is magically transformed into something that looks an awful lot like the Kool-Aid Man. Oh yeah!

Finally, the latest installment of GATORWATCH!!!11! is up at blogging.la:

As 2005 draws to a close, I look back on the year, and ask myself a lot of questions: Is it worth living here, with the traffic, and the overcrowding, and the high cost of living? Why didn't I hike up to Mount Wilson this year? Will the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles make another exciting run at third place in 2006?

But the biggest question, the one that's kept me up at night, is: What the hell happened to GATORWATCH!!!!!111!?!!?? I mean, for days, we had reporters camped out on the shores of Machado Lake! There was scandal, and intrigue, and drama, and the Crocodile Hunter was coming to town to save us all from Reggie the Killer Alligator. Then, as quickly as the GATORWATCH!!!!!111! started, it stopped.

Until yesterday, baby, when GATORWATCH!!!!!111! was back in full effect, when two jerkass dirtbags were arrested and charged with dumping Reggie the Killer Alligator

And with that, I think I can take a break from the computer. I've written so much in the last 48 hours, it's hard to figure out where my desk ends, and I begin.

In fact, yesterday, Nolan came into my office and asked me if I could take a break so we could go do something together.

"What did you have in mind?" I said.

"I don't know," he said, "anything, really. I'm getting kind of bored."

"When I'm finished with this piece, we'll go out for a bite to eat," I said.

"Okay," he said, "I guess it's back to my Galactica-a-thon."

"Your what?" I said.

"Oh, I'm just having a Galatica day while you're working," he said. "You were right, it's awesome!"

I was so excited, I called Anne, and told her that I'd successfully introduced Nolan to the greatest Sci-Fi series in history.

"Oh man, you're totally corrupting my children," she said.

"They are totally 42% nerd, now," I said.

I waited for a moment, but the reference was lost on her, as she's only 8% nerd.

"I gotta get back to work," she said.

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. Nerd."

another movie you should probably see

Donnie Darko was one of those movies I'd heard about from people I respect, but never got around to actually watching until about five weeks ago.

About fifteen years ago, I watched a special about MST3K, which included an interview with Joel Hodgson. Joel said, "When we write our jokes, we don't ask ourselves, 'will anyone get this?' we say to ourselves, 'the right people will get this.'" That stuck with me, because I interpreted Joel's words as advice to go for the smart humor, or the obscure-but-rewarding-reference, rather than dumbing everything down so nobody feels left out.

So what does that have to do with Donnie Darko? I felt like the filmmakers didn't worry about making a blockbuster that would please everyone in the audience, and instead gave us a challenging, complex, dark and unique film, just like Joel and his gang weren't afraid to give us comedy that we didn't always get, but rewarded our intelligence when we did.

A couple of nights ago, I watched a movie which was recommended to me because I liked Donnie Darko so much, and I think a lot of WWdN readers would also like it. The film is called Primer.

It's the story of two friends who successfully build a time machine, what they do with it, and how they deal with the consequences. It was made for $7000, and won the Grad Jury and Alfred P. Sloan prizes at Sundance last year.

If you've seen Primer, please don't discuss specifics in comments (you know what I mean) because it could really trash the movie for everyone else.

nothing is more important than family

"Nothing is more important than family."
    --My Mom.

NOTE: This entry is extremely long. Please read it anyway. If you're short on time, at least read the beginning and end, before and after the blockquote. Thanks.

I spent much of Christmas afternoon and evening at my parents' house. As dusk turned to night, I stood in their darkened living room, lit only by the lights of their tree, and watched my dad and brother play with my stepkids out in the street, just as he'd played with me when I was a kid.

My mom walked over to me, and after we watched them for a minute she said, "We read your essay."

She didn't have to say anything else. Her tone of voice sent a chill down my arms and the sinking feeling in my stomach told me that something was very, very wrong.

I turned to face her, and her eyes were filled with tears. "You were totally correct about the Tookie Williams thing," she said, "but you really misrepresented me and your dad." The tears spilled down her face. "I never listened to Bill O'Reilly," she said, "and I have never listened to Rush Limbaugh. I want to move to Montana because I'll feel safer there than I do in Los Angeles, I can ride horses again, and it's more like the America I grew up in when things were simpler. It's not because I'm a racist or a bigot, which is the impression I got when I read that. Did you forget that I am the child of immigrants? I'm a first-generation American! You made us sound like we are crazy wingnuts, and we're not."

When I was just sixteen, and I had my first car, I saw two doves pecking at something on the ground. I thought to myself, "Boy, it sure would be funny to scare those birds and make them fly away!" I pointed my car at them, and accelerated. One took flight, but the other didn't move in time and was crushed beneath the tire of my car. It was the first and only time I've ever killed another living thing on purpose, and the guilt stayed with me for years. When I looked at my mom, who has given me so much, and saw how disappointed and betrayed she felt, I felt a guilt and regret that was even worse. I really screwed up when I didn't show them my essay before it ran, so they could comment to me about it, and correct anything which they felt was inaccurate. All of my instincts told me to do that, and I didn't, because I was afraid of how they'd react. In other words, my cowardice has hurt my family in a way that I may never be able to repair.

When I wrote my story, I hoped that it would spark a dialogue about the nature of discourse in our country, and comment on movement conservatives who voted for Bush even though he has (in my opinion) abandoned most of their values. What I did not intend was for my parents to be hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, or misrepresented. While they both do not dispute the accuracy of the Wheaton Family Christmas Incident, they took great issue with the way I described and portrayed my father. My dad isn't a Talk Radio Wingnut; in fact, I've learned that he's a proud conservative, whose values have remained consistent (and far more moderate than I understood,) even as George Bush's Republican party has abandoned him, and people like him.

While my mom and I stood in the living room, I promised her that I'd do whatever I could to set the record straight, and correct the editorial cartoon caricature of my dad that I'd created with my essay. In letters to the editor at Salon, and in comments on my blog, I've seen people make lots of assumptions about my dad, and call him all sorts of names which, if if spoken in my presence, would result in an immediate cockpunch from me. I know that my dad has read some of these comments, and I'm really upset that people would say things like that about my father, who is the kindest, most supportive, and loving man I've ever known. However, it's entirely my fault, for allowing an impression of my dad to be created without thinking through the consequences of that impression, or giving him an opportunity to at the very least respond to it.

I take full responsibility for bringing this grief upon my parents. I was unfair and irresponsible, and this is my effort to set things right.

On the day after Christmas, I drove up to my parents house, sat with them in their kitchen, and had a long conversation with them about politics, where they stand on various issues, and why. I felt that I owed them a chance to set the record straight, in their own words. Over a couple of hours, I learned that my parents are both pro-choice and pro-family, oppose the Iraq war (my dad said that at least they knew why they were fighting in Vietnam -- a war he also opposed as he served as a medic in the National Guard -- but it's become "too muddled" to know why we're fighting in Iraq, thanks to the Bush administration's changing rationales and lack of credibility.) I learned that my parents still hold the values of compassion, tolerance and charity which they instilled in me as a child, even if the politicians they support do not.

But more than anything else, and most importantly, I learned that my impression of my dad as a screaming-head blowhard, which I shared with the world, based on one incident and a bunch of irresponsible assumptions, was just plain wrong.

This is my parents, in their own words, transcribed from a conversation I had with them on December 26th, 2005:

WIL:  Okay, on the record: my motivations in writing my story were not -uh- I didn't have mean ulterior motives. I wasn't trying to misportray you guys, or misrepresent you guys, or anything like that.

MOM: We knew that.

DAD: Yeah.

W: But that doesn't matter. What matters is how you guys feel. And that's why it matters to me.

M: Because life is full of good intentions.

W: Yeah, and that's why it matters to me to, you know, fix it. I -- just so you know a little history of how this came about: Like I wrote, it's not that big a deal that we don't see eye-to-eye on things.

M: And I love it that we don't see eye-to-eye on things.

W: That doesn't matter to me. I don't subscribe to this "winner takes all" theory that seems to be --

D: Neither do we.

M: We didn't raise you to agree with us.

D: And mom told me that when you talked with her, you said that you felt I would yell at you whenever we'd have a political discussion --

M: You said for about two years --

D: -- and I don't think that's the case.

W: Okay, that's totally my recollection since the period preceding -- whatever the campaign was during the first George Bush administration. But that didn't particularly matter to me. It profoundly hurt my feelings, and embarrassed me in front of my wife and kid, and I was just surprised. I was totally surprised.

D: Uh-huh.

W: And I understand that it is a seriously emotional issue and stuff, and, uhm . . . It came up in conversation with some of my other writer friends, who run the spectrum from liberal to conservative, and virtually all of them said, "You know, this has happened to me with my parents over the last few years, also." As the country has become so polarized, and as the news media and the talk radio audiences have become so polarized, and especially -- and a lot of them, regardless of political ideology, laid a lot of blame at the feet of Karl Rove and talk radio, for doing this 'divide and conquer' thing.

So everyone said I should write about it, because everyone has had an experience similar to this, and maybe it will start up a dialogue, about talk radio, and it will start up a dialogue about where political discourse is. And it did, and the only negative feedback I got -- other than from you guys -- was from people who called me a wimpy liberal for not supporting the death penalty. So my goals were not to, um, defame you guys, or to do anything like that. It was to write a story that I thought a lot of people could emotionally connect to, about an experience I'd had that I thought a lot of other people had had, and --

[My dad's pager goes off, and he has to deal with some important work things. I am struck by how calm he is, even though, whenever my dad's pager goes off, it's usually a life-or-death moment. My stomach is still in knots, but I'm really glad we're talking.]

M: Hang on for a second.

W: Okay, I'm going to pause this.

[Dad comes back to the table.]

W: So, you know what my goals were, and if I haven't made it clear, I am so so sorry. I am so sorry, and I feel terrible, and my gut told me to call both of you before I turned it in, and talk with you and give you a chance to do things, to --

D: Uh-huh.

W: To, to do things --

M: Uh-huh.

W: And to prevent, uh, you know,

W&D: This.

W: It was a combination of having to make a deadline, and just being pre-Christmas overwhelmed, and also feeling really afraid that you were going to freak out at me the same way you freaked out at me on Family Christmas . . . and it was quite obviously a bad choice to not trust my instincts.

D: Okay. Let me try to address the three things you brought up right now: First of all, when you called me to say "I've got something that's going to be online," I figured there was a reason you put me "on alert" as it were, but I didn't think it was going to be as overboard as it turned out to be in my opinion. Second of all, I apologize -- I asked mom for a reality check, and I said, "Did I really turn into a monster and really unload on Wil?" and she said, "Yeah, well, kinda."

M: Now, wait a second. I said -- what you wrote was very accurate. It was an excellent reporting of what went on, if we're talking about family Christmas.

D: Except Jeremy hadn't put the things on the tracks, yet, in the Christmas village, but I understand you needed to --

M: Oh, come on! I knew what you meant, and I'm really glad you wrote that.

D: Yes, I'm really glad you wrote that. Anyway . . .

W: Well, there goes my credibility.

D: Anyway, in thinking about it after the fact, I was so tired of hearing the Mike Farrells, and the Jamie Foxes of the world trying to excuse Tookie Williams and what he had done, and as I said to you, completely ignoring the families of the victims who were left behind. And I do believe in the death penalty, and . . . uh, there was some uncertainty about what Arnold was going to do, if he was going to roll over to his Hollywood friends and gain the liberal vote, if he tries to re-run, or if he was going to stand true to what he believed. And as it turned out, he did, and he gave eloquent reasons why he did.

W: Didn't he campaign as a death penalty opponent?

D: I don't remember that coming up.

W: I recall him -- well anyway, I could be mistaken.

D: Anyway, so, I realized that, when mom said, "Yeah, you were a jerk," [he laughs] that I was disagreeing with you, but the over the top was just my frustration with your peer group -- your former peer group -- "the Hollywood crowd" [laughs, harder].

W: [laughs] The Hollywood crowd has never been my peer group!

M: [laughs]

D: [laughs] I know! I know! Okay . . . that's why I said that in quotes  . . . trying to excuse this man because he's written some books. And I was truly concerned that they were going to hold sway, which was, I believe, totally wrong. So, I didn't mean to embarrass you, or Anne, or Nolan, okay? And that was not my intent. And we can talk about politics -- and you and I disagree more than you and mom disagree --

M: Which is to say that your dad and I disagree --

W: But you know, my whole thing about the death penalty was not that Tookie Williams was some great guy who should get off, absolutely not. I don't believe that at all.

D: I know that. And I told mom that I knew you were not defending Tookie Williams. That was not my understanding at all.

W: And my disagreement with the death penalty is that if the state makes a mistake, it can't be undone.

M: Unless the state hasn't made a mistake in the first place.

W: And the states that have it, have the highest homicide rates, so it doesn't work. It only exists to exact some sort of societal revenge.

M: And in the case of Tookie Williams, it created a martyr.

W: And maybe it will end up dissuading kids from entering gangs. I don't know.

D: I doubt that, based upon --

M: And they compared him to Rosa Parks!

W: And I was never saying that this guy was a good person. My whole thought was that, any time a case arises that makes people think, as a society, should we support the death penalty, there should be a dialogue, but because of talk radio, there can't be. And it's not possible, and I believe that it's not possible, because in my experience, supporters or capital punishment almost always base their support on emotion, and opponents base their arguments on statistics and logic. But the emotional pull is so strong -- and I am definitely guilty of this where my kids are concerned: when emotion and logic conflict where you feel strongly about something, emotion always wins.

D: Well, I don't know about the nationwide statistics, but since the death penalty was instituted in California, there have been twelve executions, and eight of them have been whites. So this blanket statement --

M: And where was Mike Farrell then?

D: --that it's only Blacks and poors are singled out is just wrong.

W: Maybe not in California, but absolutely in the rest of the country.

D: Right. And I've heard of cases where the defense attorney has been asleep at the table, or they get a public defender who decides that the guy is guilty, so they're not going to mount a vigorous defense.

W: Would you agree that there's a problem with the legal system where your class affects your chances of getting a truly fair trial.

D: I don't know. Ask OJ. [laughs]

W: Well, there you go. So that's one of the reasons I don't support the death penalty. If it's -- I don't think there's any problem with putting people away from the rests of their lives without the possibility of parole, and I don't think that prisons should be a vacation. Oh! And I got lots of letters from prison guards who were very unhappy with me for saying that inmates were beaten, and they said that was something I saw on TV, and they were right. I should have talked to prison guards before I wrote that, too. The point is, it shouldn't be a good time.

D: But it's not a bad time, either.

M: Did you hear about the guy from San Quentin who had been there for 28 years?

D: He's the public relations officer now.

M: He said that Tookie Williams was still connected to the Crips from inside prison. And one of his books was dedicated to a current big wig of the Crips. So even if he's in prison, he can still wield a lot of power, see, and that's the truth with organized crime, too.

W: So he deserves to die because of that?

M: No, no. But, when -- it makes it sound very final when you say they are locked away without any possibility of parole, that they still can have sort of this outside life, you know.

W: Okay.

M: They have a lot of freedoms.

D: And they are alive when they have taken an innocent life from someone who did not deserve to die. That doesn't seem fair.

M: But you're not here to debate the death penalty. You're here so --

D: Let's, let's move on.

W: Okay.

D: You really mischaractarized me about Rush and Bill O'Reilly. I rarely listen to either of them, and --

[The phone rings. It's my sister, telling my dad that the surf is so huge in Ventura County, they are towing surfers out using wave runners. As long as I can remember, if any of us needs an excuse to call dad, all we have to do is look at the surf report.]

D: Anyway, I don't listen to Rush, and I don't -- and if I do, it's just in channel surfing, because he is way over the top. And he forces everything into a certain perspective. Much like I feel the people on Air America do. Mom and I listened to Air America once, on our way up to Sacramento [to deal with my grandmother's house after she died earlier this year -- when my dad said that I was reminded what a horrible and tough year he's had, and how the last thing he really needed was public humiliation at the hands of his idiot son.] -- and this was when Bill Bennet said that thing about Blacks and about abortions, and he gave the analogy that if --

W: Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

D: And it was Al Franken, and I forget who else, and they were completely twisting what he said, to bend it to their purpose, to their agenda.

M: They kept playing the same sound bite over and over again, and we kept listening, you know, to see if they'd get to the bottom of this, to the meat of what it was about, but they kept playing the sound byte over and over again, and it was edited, and it wasn't true.

D: It was inaccurate.

M: It wasn't true.

W: I remember that, and I agree with you. It was taken out of context, and I wish you'd listened on a different day!

D: I do listen to Dennis Prager, and Dennis is conservative, but middle-of-the-road conservative, and I believe that he thinks out his positions very clearly, and he is more interested in truth than a political agenda.

M: He's interested in the morality of things. The moral consequences of behavior.

W: What is his position on the Bush Administration?

D: Uh, that they've done some things good, and some things bad.

M: He doesn't talk that much about it.

D: And Sean Hannity: I listened to Sean more during the election, but since, uh, Sean is, in my opinion,  a notch or two below Rush. He is well-meaning, and he believes what he says for the most part, but again he is bending things through his own prism to bring things into his point of view.  I do a lot of reading in the Sunday opinion section in the Times, and I try to get multiple points of view, so . . . I don't rely on Rush and Bill to tell me what to think. That, that was what really hurt me. I felt that I was really mischaractarized.

[I looked into my father's eyes as he said, in effect, "you really hurt me," and I felt a shame, and a regret, and a disgust with myself that I've never felt before and hope to never feel again.]

M: And we don't form our opinions based upon FOX News.

W: I wrote those observations based upon coming up here during the election, and FOX News being on in your house all the time.

M: You know when FOX News was on? During the hurricane.

W: During the 2004 election, I saw FOX News on in your house all the time.

D: No! You're mistaken! It was never on.

W: But I remember it being on.

D: [laughs] You have to stop smoking the crack.

W: I saw it. I'm pretty sure John Gibson is on FOX News.

D: I don't even know who John Gibson is. Your mother is the news junkie who will watch the news for three hours straight.

W: If that's the case, I don't know how I made such a glaring error, and it's a terrible terrible mistake, because it's almost like there are two kinds of conservatives: rational conservatives, and then you have the FOX News, Rush Limbaugh conservatives, who are -- I think accurately -- described as "Wingnuts."

D: Uh-huh.

W: And it was absolutely not my intention to describe you as wingnuts, and I can see now that is exactly what I did. And I don't think that you are!

D: Well, that's a comfort. [laughs]

M: I think of myself as a moderate, and dad is to the Right of me.

D: Yes, I am more conservative.

M: But you have to remember that  a lot of that is because of owning a small business, and as I told you the other night, that's our American Dream.

W: I know! I grew up with you guys building your business, and you know that if you tried to start a business today, because of the policies and tax codes and things from George Bush and this Republican Congress, you would have a very hard time getting started. You wouldn't be able to compete with bigger businesses, especially being in the health care industry. You wouldn't be able to compete with bigger health care companies.

D: That's wrong. I disagree.

W: You don't think it would be harder to compete with companies who are huge and have huge lobbies in congress?

D: Not in my business.

[I realize that I've made yet another huge assumption, and I don't have the solid facts to back up what I'm pretty sure is accurate. I realize that I've fallen into the trap I often accuse others of falling into: I've developed a point of view, and all I can remember is the feeling that it's correct. Who would know whether their business could succeed? My parents, who own it, and run it day to day, or their son who has no clue? I am disgusted by my immature, narrow-minded arrogance.]

W: Okay.

M: But it is getting harder, this has been a very hard year, because of our worker's comp and malpractice going through the roof.

W: Okay, so during the election, when current events happened, and we talked about them, uh -- I've been trying to recall some specifics, but I can't come up with any, which I guess undermines my credibility on this, but it seemed to me that --

[Dad's phone rings again.]

D: That my phone would ring again?

W: Yeah.

[Dad takes another call about work, and sends an employee to work at a hospital.]

W: Okay. So During the 2004 election, when current events came up, and campaign things came up in discussion, my recollection is that when I talked about those things with you guys, your responses were the same things that were discussed on talk radio, which seemed to boil down to whatever the Bush campaign talking points were. And based on my apparently incorrect recollection of FOX News being on the television when I came up here -- and I just know that it was --

M: Maybe it was on a few times, and it obviously made an impression upon you.

D: You were traumatized by it. [laughs]

W: And getting into your car when we were going to baseball games, there was always one of those talking guys on the radio.

M: That was Dodger Talk.

D: Yeah, that was Vin Scully.

M&D: [Laughs]

W: It was 87 something on the radio.

D: That would have been Dennis Prager, or maybe [ominously] "Sean Hannity."

[My dad, even in what is clearly a painful moment for both of us, never gives up his sense of humor. When I was a teenager, and took myself /so seriously/ it drove me crazy. Now, though, I love it. My stomach is still in knots, but they're beginning to loosen.]

W: What I should have done is fact-checked that with you both, to make sure. But during that time, and correct me if I'm mistaken, during that time, when the White House was selling this line that Saddam Hussein financed the World Trade Center attacks, which was widely disproved, all over the world, even then, it seemed to me that once the talking point came out of the white house or out of the campaign, even if if was disproved, that you guys discarded any of the evidence or arguments against whatever the White House said. And, uhm, so, I absolutely made the assumption, which is clearly incorrect, that the belief that you guys formed and adhered to, was supported  by hearing it repeated on talk radio, and seeing it repeated on cable news. Does that make sense?

D: It makes sense, but I don't think it's completely accurate. I decided early on that I didn't want to see John Kerry in the White house.

W: Well, John Kerry was a terrible candidate, right behind Lieberman.

D: It made no difference what either side said, I would never cast my vote for John Kerry, so a lot of it is just like water under the bridge for me, the things that were said.

W: I so want to understand this. When I was growing up, the values you instilled in all of us, the strongest one, the one that still drives most of the decisions I make, is based on support for the civil rights movement. And was all based on tolerance and equality, and --

D: That hasn't changed.

W: But it so strongly seems to me that the current Republican leadership in congress and in the state of California, seem so totally opposed to those values: the values of equality and tolerance and civil rights, and, uh, seem to have such an enormous credibility problem. How can you support them?

D: I don't agree with that en todo. My feeling is that the Barbara Boxers of the world want to give everything to people who don't work for what they have. They want to take our tax dollars and your tax dollars and give them away to other people.

W: But George Bush has taken your tax dollars, and given them to people who have so much money already, they don't know what to do with that.

D: See, we disagree on that.

M: See, now that's a Democratic talking point.

W: No it's not, it's the congressional budget office. [That's wrong: I should have said Internal Revenue Service. What I meant was that I didn't form my opinion of Bush's tax plans from Democratic talking points, but from independent research.]

D: Those rich people have already given so much to this country through their taxes, and I agree that, um, there are loopholes where they're able to avoid taxation on some of their money, and I think that something should be done on that. But when people work hard for their money, it's not right for the government to turn around and say, "you busted your ass for all this money, now give it to all these people, because they choose not to work, because they choose to have children without a father, because they come into the country illegally." Mom and I are not happy about what Bush has done with the illegals in this country  --

M: We discussed that the other night, Wil. [Where mom and I agreed that business owners who hire and exploit illegal immigration for cheap labor -- especially in California farming -- should be prosecuted, so the conditions which make illegal immigration favorable would weaken.]

W: So redistribution of wealth downward is bad, but redistribution of wealth upward is good?

D: It's not redistribution! It was their money to begin with. It's their money because they earned it.

W: I'm talking about the shifting of the tax burden. The tax burden, under George Bush, has shifted dramatically to middle-class tax payers. So people who are earning between, I think it's 70,000 and 190,000 a year as a household, are shouldering a larger percentage of the tax burden, based upon their income, than people who are earning over 200,000 a year, and they are shouldering a greater percentage of the burden than the people who are earning over a million a year.

D: Of course they are. That's simple percentages. Because if someone is making -- like, to make that equitable, Bill Gates would have to pay billions in taxes a year.

W: Well, of course there should be a cap on taxes, and I'm not talking about Socialism, but under this tax code, we -- and I think we're still in the same tax bracket -- we are paying more of our income in taxes than people who are earning two and three times what we are earning. And if the tax code is in fact a progressive tax code, where the idea is to tell people, "okay, to reach this level of success, you were able to reap the benefits of the society others helped to build, so now you need to help contribute to the infrastructure so that others have opportunities, too." If that's the case, it seems really unfair to me to put so much of the tax burden on the middle class, and certainly not on the working poor.

M: I agree with that.

W: It's gone overwhelmingly to the middle class. Under Bush, the tax burden has shifted onto us, and tax breaks and revenue redistribution has gone upward.

M: And in a similar situation, what do the Democrats want to do with our tax dollars?

W: What do you mean?

M: You said that under Bush, the middle class has shouldered more of the tax burden, and I actually believe that the middle class has always shouldered most of the tax burden.

W: But it didn't under Bill Clinton. And I'm not making that up.

M: So if a Democratic administration was in the White House, how would it be different?

W: We wouldn't have the deficit we have. I don't believe that if the Democrats controlled the government the way the Republicans do, and the Republicans are really in the driver's seat right now, you wouldn't see the tax breaks for the ultra-rich. I'm not talking about people who have worked so hard to have what they have, either, I'm talking about inherited wealth. I don't think we'd have the enormous budget problems that we have, and we'd probably see something like what Clinton did: raise taxes a bit on the wealthiest of people, and give relief to the middle class and the working poor. I don't believe in this idea --  that Ronald Reagan sold so successfully -- that there is an epidemic of shiftless jerks who just want to get rich off of your hard work, and the Democrats are going to help them do that.

M: Well, there are more social programs under Democrats than Republicans. And it seems like there's an awful lot of abuse of those programs.

W: Of course there is, and it's pretty easy to go through reams of data and pull out fifty or one hundred jerks who are breaking the law. You can do that in either direction, rich or poor -- a dishonest person is a dishonest person regardless of income. What is confusing to me is that you guys have worked so hard to have what you have, and you deserve your success, but under George Bush, you're paying more in taxes than we ever have, and it is unlikely that burden will be reduced while the Republicans control things. It seems like you're voting against your best interests.

D: I think that's not the whole picture, and you have to take the bitter with the sweet. And I have a conservative philosophy that's opposed to the liberal philosophy, and I'm not happy about having to pay more taxes, and I'm not happy -- I thought that, under Bush, the government would be made much smaller, but it hasn't. It's gotten much larger than it ever has been, and I don't know how that happened because it runs counter to the conservative ideals. But at the end of the day, I am conservative, and I believe the conservative philosophy more than I do the liberal philosophy, and you have to take the lumps with the sugar.

For the next forty minutes, we talked about the differences between Democrats and Republicans, conservatives and liberals, Clinton and Bush. We did it respectfully, quietly, honestly, and openly. It was about as far removed from talk radio as you can get, and the man I was talking with was not the man I portrayed in my essay. When I left, I felt closer to my dad than I have in years, despite all our political differences.

I'm really glad that I talked with my parents, but I still feel that I've dishonored my family, and given the entire world an incorrect view of my father. It was unfair and irresponsible of me to publish my assumptions publicly without giving him a chance to correct them privately. My dad is an incredible person, and I owe him much more than this.

I imagine that this will get reprinted around the conservative world the way my original essay was reprinted around the liberal world, and I will almost certainly be excoriated for this, which I certainly deserve. If that's what it takes for my parents' to have their names cleared, and to correct the impression I gave about my dad, I am more than willing to take whatever criticism I get. I should be boycotted, and if there was some way I could resign over this, I would. I made an incredibly irresponsible choice, based out of stupid fear, to not talk with my parents before my article ran. I can not unring that bell, but I hope that by letting them speak, in their own words, the image I created of them can be corrected. I have learned a valuable lesson, I just wish the cost of that lesson hadn't been my family's honor and my parents' dignity. I am deeply ashamed of myself.

I ran this past my parents before I published it. They expressed some concern that they would be quoted out of context, or attacked for their beliefs, and suggested I keep our conversation between us. But I think they make a great case for their beliefs, even if I disagree with them, and I wanted them to have an opportunity to speak for themselves. I elected to leave it as-is, because I suspect that my parents (both Boomers) reflect beliefs that are fairly common among conservatives in their generation, and liberals of my generation who don't have the ability or opportunity (for whatever reason) to talk with their parents could get a good idea of where people like my parents are coming from. I think it also shows how totally wrong I was in my original essay: we had a long conversation about several potentially-explosive topics, but the bonds of love and family which tie us together are stronger than the differences Talk Radio would use to divide us. My mom said that she doesn't want to feel like she has to defend herself via my blog for anything, and I don't think she does. She also wanted everyone to know that she forgives me, "just like all the other times you did something stupid . . . that's a joke, Wil . . . the part about doing stupid things, not the part about forgiving you." She also said that I was a good writer, which she sort of has to say because she's my mom. My dad said that it means a lot to him and my mom that I was "adult enough, and man enough to care about our feelings, and discuss this with us," and if I was really such an environmentalist, I wouldn't have written something that took an entire tree to print out . . . which was also a joke. I'm glad my parents both still have their sense of humor, even now.

If you linked to my essay at Salon, please link to this as well. My parents shouldn't have to suffer any more than they have because of my irresponsibility.

nerd revenge

It's been quite some time since we checked in on the blog battle that pits Awesome Good Guys Shane and Wil against Evil Bet Losing Queen of Anti-Awesome and Jesus' Favorite, Annie.

If you're new to this epic saga, which will one day replace the Lord of the Rings with its pure epic awesomeness, the short version goes something like this:

INT. RESTAURANT - LATE NIGHT
Shane, Wil, and Annie have finished their sketch comedy show, and are enjoying some drinks to celebrate how awesome they are. Shane and Wil drink manly beers. Annie drinks some lame girly shit. Shane and Wil have an erudite discussion about the complexities of online poker, and the challenges and rewards inherent in blogging.

Shane: And that is why, Wil, I feel blogging is both challenging and rewarding.

Wil: That was quite an erudite observation, Shane.

Annie: YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY GAY AND LAME AND YOU SUCK AND YOU SMELL AND BLOGS ARE STUPID!!

Shane and Wil share a look. They've heard it all before.

Shane: Annie, please, don't make a scene.

Wil: Yes, we bloggers are a refined bunch, and carry ourselves thusly.

Wil straightens his back, and preens.

Wil: Yes, blogging is quite lovely, and it fills me with joy to bring enlightenment and diversion to such a great many people.

Shane: I'm ever so pleased that we are bloggers, old chum.

Wil: As am I, my good friend. As am I.

Annie: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE SO TOTALLY RETARDED! YOU GUYS ARE ALL 'HEY! LOOK AT US WITH OUR BLOGS!' BLOG RHYMES WITH LOG WHICH RHYMES WITH HOMOLOVERGAYFACE!

Shane: Annie, my dear, I'm sure you'd be a splendid blogger, if you'd just give it a go.

Wil: Indeed.

Annie: NO WAY! NO WAY AM I GETTING ON YOUR NERD BUS AND RIDING IT ALL THE WAY TO GEEK TOWN WITH A STOP AT THE STAR TREK CONVENTION AND THE COMIC BOOK SHOP! I HAVE MODERN DANCE EXERCISES TO DO, YOU NERDHOLES!

Wil: Annie, I propose a contest of wits and skill. If I win, you keep a blog for seven short days. If you win, I'll tell you that great secret you've wanted to know for so long.

Annie: You mean . . . you'll tell me your middle name?

Annie clutches her hands to her chest, and swoons. Wil and Shane look at one another, surprised that Annie has stopped screaming, and didn't imply that they were lovers.

Shane: Brilliant idea, man!

Wil: Yes, I learned it whilst blogging.

Annie: I accept! What's your contest?

Wil: RoShamBo.

Annie: OH MY GOD I AM TOTALLY THE MASTER OF ROSHAMBO! I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR NERD ASS ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE DEATH STAR!

Wil (quietly to Shane): She's throwing scissors.

Shane (quietly to Wil): Indeed. She's as transparent as an rss-scraped splog.

Wil looks at Annie: Are you ready, my most worthy adversary?

Annie: OH YES I AM! I NEVER LOST ANYTHING TO NERDS LIKE YOU!

Wil: Then this will be the most delicious of contests. Ready now.

Wil puts his fist into his open palm. Annie does the same.

Wil: One! Two! Three!

In slow motion, the camera tracks a close up of Annie's fist as it drops from her shoulder out of frame.

MATCH CUT: Wil's hand does the same.

MATCH CUT: ECU on Annie's face.

MATCH CUT: ECU on Wil's face.

CUT TO: ECU of Wil's hand. He shows Rock.

CUT TO: ECU of Annie's hand. She shows Scissors.

ECU of Annie's face, as it twists from triumph, to shock, to rage, to desperation.

BACK TO SCENE.

Wil: Good try, Annie. I must have gotten lucky when I chose rock against your scissors. Oh well, that's the way, isn't it? I'm looking forward to reading your blog.

Annie: Oh god no! I can't do it! I don't know how to blog! I'm scared of blogs! I'm scared of nerds and computers and things I don't understand! All I want to do is modern interpretive dance, and maybe some mummenschanz! Please don't make me do it! I can't be like you!

Annie is reduce to a pathetic, quivering mass on the restaurant's table.

Shane: Oh, dear. Dear. Dear. Dear. This will never do.

Shane takes a camera from his pocket, and snaps a picture of Annie's shameful display.

Shane: Annie, I'm afraid that if you welch on the bet, I'll be forced to post this snap of your shameful display on my world-famous blog at www.nickerblog.com, where I look ever so rugged and manly on the masthead.

Wil: Or perhaps I'll be forced to post it at my award-winning blog at wilwheaton.net, where I can't blog right now because I'm having too much fun posting at my equally-popular blog wilwheaton.typepad.com.

Annie pulls herself together.

Annie: How did you do that?

Shane: Do what?

Annie: How did you make a link when you talk?

Shane: Oh, it's quite elementary when you're a blogger, Annie.

Wil: Yes, quite.

Shane: Quite!

Wil: Quite.

Annie: Okay, okay, okay. You win. I'll keep my blog. It will be at jesusfavorite.typead.com.

Wil: Don't you mean jesusfavorite.typepad.com?

Shane: Now, my good man, you needn't mock the poor girl when she's down. Give her time to learn.

Wil: You're right. My apologies, Annie.

Annie: Apologies?

Wil: Apologies.

The camera slowly pulls back from the table, through the window, and into the street. The rest of the storefronts are dark, and only the restaurant casts light onto the sidewalk. A car drives past in the foreground, and we

FADE TO BLACK.

Well, that's the way I remember it, anyway. Annie has a slightly different recollection of that fateful night, but the details aren't that important. What is important, is that Annie has kept her blog, even if she doesn't update it nearly as regularly as she should, and filled it with hilarious visions from her twisted imagination:

While Shane and Wil are busy watching 'nerdia' for the 18th million time today, and planning their poker poopy party in Vegas...Jesus' favorite is busy plotting her next move.

Never fear nerdy Mc Nerd-O-Sins, I'm not scared of your lame threats. 

wil writes: 
"We're coming for you, Annie. We have a +3 cape of kicking your ass, and a scroll of Hawesome. You'd better make your save vs. nerds, or you're totally going to lose a level."

Ohhhhh......you have '+3 capes?' Is one of them Harry's invisibility cloak? Please no. Do you have McGonagles underwear in there too? I'm sooooo scared. 'A scroll of Hawesome?' I have a scroll of 'REAL ENGLISH WORDS.' And oh, what does it say?

COMPUTING....

...boo bitty blah blah bicko bicko jabba the hut in your butt deep pitty peep peep i do podcasts blackey blacky blacky full house double down i'm in vegas i love wil look at the hookers my name is shane i'm on hiatus clackity mc nugget pants...

Oh Annie. Oh dear, sweet, lovely, talented, tap-dancing Annie. I tried to warn you. Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

Elbow.

And.

Send.

the one from christmas eve

I can't believe it's already Christmas Eve. It seems like just a week ago, there were six shopping days
until Christmas . . . where does the time go?

Anne and I finished our shopping yesterday, including a frenzied trip to the mall, where I learned that people who waited until the last minute to buy clothes aren't exactly rational when the store doesn't have the size they wanted, and tend to freak out at the cashier, as if the cashier conspired to keep that pair of size four jeans available until seconds before Angry Shopper wanted them.

I also learned that there is some serious plague out there in the shopping areas, because I woke up this morning with a bitch of a sore throat and a pretty severe sinus thing. Merry Christmas to me.

The kids are with their dad tonight, so Christmas won't actually be Christmas until they get home tomorrow afternoon (parents will understand what I mean, you non-kidlet-having types may not, but that's okay, because it's Christmas.) Tonight, we're headed up to my mom and dad's house to have dinner with them and my siblings. Chance of watching A Christmas Story is set at about 99%.

I hope everyone who celebrates it has a very merry Christmas. For everyone else, I hope you have a wonderful weekend. And to everyone, regardless of anything, I wish you all the peace, prosperity, and joy the world has to offer.

The front lines of the War on Christmas

I came home early from the WPBT Winter Classic in Las Vegas, so I could attend the annual Wheaton Family Christmas at my parents' house.

I absolutely adore my family, and I will drop just about anything so I can attend a family get together. The fact that it's Christmas just gave me an excuse to bring a really stupid White Elephant gift, and gave my brother an excuse to make his world famous Brined Barbecue Turkey.

This year's Wheaton Family Christmas was exactly like any other of the always-awesome Wheaton Family Christmas (WFC?) gatherings, with one exception that was so painful, I wrote an essay about it for Salon.com called The Real War on Christmas

This year it looked as though it would be a typical family gathering. But that all changed when I walked through the living room on my way to get some eggnog. I asked my younger sister, who was flipping through the channels on the television, what she was looking for.

"I'm trying to find Court TV," she said.

"Why?" I said.

"Because the governor is supposed to announce whether he is granting clemency for Tookie Williams at 3 p.m.," she said.

I was surprised to hear she cared, because my sister has always been pretty nonpolitical. "I don't think he will grant clemency...," I began to say. But before I could add, "because he's going to try to win back his hardcore base with this," she spat at me, "He'd better not!"

My sister was a death-penalty proponent? That was news to me. I didn't want to upset the family gathering, so I decided to just let this one go.

"OK," I said, "I guess we'd better not talk about this."

But just then, my father walked into the room.

"Wil thinks Tookie Williams shouldn't be executed," she said.

Oh boy.

"What?" My dad said. Not to my sister, to me.

Here we go.

"Well," I said, "I don't believe in the death penalty, so..."

You know those optical illusion drawings, where you're looking at a smiling man, then suddenly he's become a werewolf? Faster than you could say "Fox News," my dad was screaming at me, Bill O'Reilly-style.

"... an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth! He killed four..." he stabbed at the air with four fingers on his left hand, "four people in cold blood and deserves! to! die!"

I briefly made eye contact with my stepson, Nolan, who sat just behind my father on my parents' couch. His face flushed and he quickly looked away. My sister had stopped her channel surfing on a shopping network, and he looked awfully interested in putting a sapphire ring on easy-pay. While my dad continued to scream about biblical vengeance, I went into shock. Just minutes earlier, we'd stood together outside on the deck and laughed with each other as he congratulated me for a great finish I'd had the previous day at a poker tournament in Las Vegas. In fact, I'd cut my trip short, specifically so I wouldn't miss the family Christmas.

What a difference five minutes makes. While he screamed at me, I wanted to ask, "Who are you, and what have you done with the man who raised me to be tolerant, patient, peaceful and charitable?" Instead, I said, as calmly as I could, "Dad, I just don't believe in the death penalty. It is unevenly applied to poor people, and clearly doesn't work as a deterrent..."

"It doesn't work as a deterrent because they allow these scum to stay alive for 25 years before they give them what they deserve!" I hadn't seen my dad this angry since I was a sophomore in high school and my friends and I woke up my mom after midnight one night because we got a little worked up in a Nintendo game of "Blades of Steel."

"Dad," I said, "living in prison for 25 years isn't anything to be happy about..."

"Like hell it isn't!" he bellowed. "They get satellite television, and weights, and free meals, and jobs, and a library..."

"And raped, and beaten by guards, and sold as slaves by prison gangs," I said. "That really sounds good to you? Because it sounds like a pretty lousy life for violent criminals, which is exactly what they deserve."

He violently shook his head at me and drew a deep breath. "The victims' families get to watch that animal die! If they don't get to watch him die, how can they get the closure they deserve?" Before I could reply, and he could launch into another round of talking points, I was unintentionally saved by my brother, who called our dad to come outside and help him with the turkey on the barbecue.

He turned quickly, and stormed out of the room, followed by my sister.

To read the rest, you can get a free day pass to Salon by watching a quick advertisement. (Make sure you have cookies enabled.) You'll also get access to everything else that Salon offers for the day, too. I've been a subscriber for years, and my Salon subscription has out-lasted subscriptions to Harper's, Esquire, and The New Yorker, for what that's worth.

I hope you'll take the time to read the rest of my essay, and share your own stories about The War on Christmas (from whatever side you're on.)

I'm pretty sure this will stir up some very powerful emotions. Please think carefully before you post your comments.

another one that really needed a better title

If you grok Farkisms, you'll love this animation, and the fark nativity.

If you like to play in the Thursday Night WWdN game at PokerStars, it's set up and ready to go at 7:30 PST tonight.

barbecues, tea kettles, gobs of axle grease

Carly gets a letter from the DMV:

Dear California Driver

Dear form letter!

Drivers with crashes and traffic convictions on their records are at greater risk at causing future crashes. Your recent record of bad driving (see below) places you at increased risk of causing crashes, injury and death. We do not want you to suffer those consequences and we want you to avoid them.

Okay. First of all, it was hardly a crash so much as it was a fender bender, but we all know the story on that one (and yes, my insurance company was faulted. Hooray!) Second of all, it was a speeding ticket that I got seven months prior to that little mash. Before that, I had maybe one other ticket in my entire California driving career. That’s it. And now I’m on the list of Drivers With the Potential to Cause Vehicular Manslaughter?

[. . .]

While you may be a good and safe driver most of the time, your record reflects at least momentary lapses in driving judgment.

No shit. That’s why they’re called “accidents” and “I’m sorry, officer, I didn’t know how fast I was going.” What can I say? This year was a bad year that I don’t intend to repeat.

At highway speeds, a moment of carelessness might become a tragedy. Good, caring people who make careless decisions while driving can cause injury or death.

I know, mom.

In our effort to urge you to drive safer, we are offering you a choice. You can choose to prevent further action from the DMV by avoiding additional traffic convictions and by not causing any crashes.

Oh my god… it’s genius! I never thought of that before! Thank you, DMV, for pointing out the obvious! If you hadn’t have said that, I’d be driving over medians and plowing into school kids right now!

It's kind of pretty awesome that Californians can now enjoy the irritation and idiocy of the DMV, right from the comfort of our own mailboxes. It's twice as kind of pretty awesome that Carly can make me laugh this hard.

'round midnight

We sat outside on the cafe's patio, and talked about the things writers talk about. We made notes in our respective Molskine notebooks. Though clouds obscured the moon much of the night, the air was cold and dry.

My friend is far more successful than I am, and I should feel awkward, like the rookie we both know I am, but our relative levels of success don't matter to either of us. We both share a passion for creating, for telling stories, for putting you where we are, and keeping you interested enough to turn the page.

As I emptied my second mug of chamomile, a group of young Mediterranean men walked out onto the patio, and filled a table behind us. They broke out a backgammon board, and started to play. Across from them, a group of older Mediterranean men smoked cigars and sipped espresso. The young men shared complicated handshakes and slammed their dice cups onto the table, while the older men said very little, and thoughtfully blew clouds of fragrant blue smoke at each other. I wrote in my notebook, "They looked at each other; into the future and into the past."

Two girls in their early twenties sat at a table next to us, and gossiped. I wrote, "She just realized how big it all is, and she is terrified."

Groups of teenagers drifted in and out. All drank huge coffee drinks. Some smoked cigarettes. Many wore Ugg boots, an equal number wore flip-flops. Most intermittently talked on cell phones. I wrote, "They are happy to be here. If you asked them where they were, they would tell you, 'not at home!'"

My friend and I traded stories until the exhausted cafe workers closed the umbrellas and began to stack chairs. I would have written something in my notebook, but that was our cue to leave.

We gathered up our things, and said good bye. I drove home 'round midnight.

Announcing the WWdN Tournament of Champions At PokerStars

Today is the first Tuesday edition of the Friday Game. Since I didn't play last week, and was therefore unable to be knocked out by someone, I decided to make good on a threat I issued at the WPBT Winter Classic, and named this week's game after the blogfather himself, Iggy.

What: WWdN: Bonus Code IGGY Invitational
Where: PokerStars.
When: Tuesday December 20th. 7:00 PM EST
Password: monkey
Tournament number: 16742725
Buy-in: $10+1

We are already in our ninth week, which just blows me away. It rules the most that these tourneys continue to draw as many players as they do. Like PokerGeek said, "It's the world's biggest homegame."

Last week, I mentioned that a major announcement regarding the tournaments would come out, and sugggested that wild and rampant speculation should immediately ensue. Well, the speculation wasn't particularly wild or rampant, which I'll chalk up to holiday exhaustion, rather than a soul-crushing lack of enthusiasm, but here's the news:

Every player who wins one of the Tuesday Night WWdN Invitationals will be freerolled by PokerStars into a WWdN Tournament Of Champions Sit-N-Go, where they'll get to play against me for some serious money. A PokerStars table seats nine players, so every eight weeks, we'll play a WWdN:ToC where I will join the eight weekly champions to crown the Super Mega Totally Awesome Champion. Since we have eight winners already, I'll work with PokerStars to schedule the first WWdN:ToC in the very near future.

I will be live blogging tonight's game at CardSquad, so if check it out if you're into that sort of thing. I hope to see lots of players tonight!