It's been quite some time since we checked in on the blog battle that pits Awesome Good Guys Shane and Wil against Evil Bet Losing Queen of Anti-Awesome and Jesus' Favorite, Annie.
If you're new to this epic saga, which will one day replace the Lord of the Rings with its pure epic awesomeness, the short version goes something like this:
INT. RESTAURANT - LATE NIGHT
Shane, Wil, and Annie have finished their sketch comedy show, and are enjoying some drinks to celebrate how awesome they are. Shane and Wil drink manly beers. Annie drinks some lame girly shit. Shane and Wil have an erudite discussion about the complexities of online poker, and the challenges and rewards inherent in blogging.Shane: And that is why, Wil, I feel blogging is both challenging and rewarding.
Wil: That was quite an erudite observation, Shane.
Annie: YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY GAY AND LAME AND YOU SUCK AND YOU SMELL AND BLOGS ARE STUPID!!
Shane and Wil share a look. They've heard it all before.
Shane: Annie, please, don't make a scene.
Wil: Yes, we bloggers are a refined bunch, and carry ourselves thusly.
Wil straightens his back, and preens.
Wil: Yes, blogging is quite lovely, and it fills me with joy to bring enlightenment and diversion to such a great many people.
Shane: I'm ever so pleased that we are bloggers, old chum.
Wil: As am I, my good friend. As am I.
Annie: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE SO TOTALLY RETARDED! YOU GUYS ARE ALL 'HEY! LOOK AT US WITH OUR BLOGS!' BLOG RHYMES WITH LOG WHICH RHYMES WITH HOMOLOVERGAYFACE!
Shane: Annie, my dear, I'm sure you'd be a splendid blogger, if you'd just give it a go.
Wil: Indeed.
Annie: NO WAY! NO WAY AM I GETTING ON YOUR NERD BUS AND RIDING IT ALL THE WAY TO GEEK TOWN WITH A STOP AT THE STAR TREK CONVENTION AND THE COMIC BOOK SHOP! I HAVE MODERN DANCE EXERCISES TO DO, YOU NERDHOLES!
Wil: Annie, I propose a contest of wits and skill. If I win, you keep a blog for seven short days. If you win, I'll tell you that great secret you've wanted to know for so long.
Annie: You mean . . . you'll tell me your middle name?
Annie clutches her hands to her chest, and swoons. Wil and Shane look at one another, surprised that Annie has stopped screaming, and didn't imply that they were lovers.
Shane: Brilliant idea, man!
Wil: Yes, I learned it whilst blogging.
Annie: I accept! What's your contest?
Wil: RoShamBo.
Annie: OH MY GOD I AM TOTALLY THE MASTER OF ROSHAMBO! I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR NERD ASS ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE DEATH STAR!
Wil (quietly to Shane): She's throwing scissors.
Shane (quietly to Wil): Indeed. She's as transparent as an rss-scraped splog.
Wil looks at Annie: Are you ready, my most worthy adversary?
Annie: OH YES I AM! I NEVER LOST ANYTHING TO NERDS LIKE YOU!
Wil: Then this will be the most delicious of contests. Ready now.
Wil puts his fist into his open palm. Annie does the same.
Wil: One! Two! Three!
In slow motion, the camera tracks a close up of Annie's fist as it drops from her shoulder out of frame.
MATCH CUT: Wil's hand does the same.
MATCH CUT: ECU on Annie's face.
MATCH CUT: ECU on Wil's face.
CUT TO: ECU of Wil's hand. He shows Rock.
CUT TO: ECU of Annie's hand. She shows Scissors.
ECU of Annie's face, as it twists from triumph, to shock, to rage, to desperation.
BACK TO SCENE.
Wil: Good try, Annie. I must have gotten lucky when I chose rock against your scissors. Oh well, that's the way, isn't it? I'm looking forward to reading your blog.
Annie: Oh god no! I can't do it! I don't know how to blog! I'm scared of blogs! I'm scared of nerds and computers and things I don't understand! All I want to do is modern interpretive dance, and maybe some mummenschanz! Please don't make me do it! I can't be like you!
Annie is reduce to a pathetic, quivering mass on the restaurant's table.
Shane: Oh, dear. Dear. Dear. Dear. This will never do.
Shane takes a camera from his pocket, and snaps a picture of Annie's shameful display.
Shane: Annie, I'm afraid that if you welch on the bet, I'll be forced to post this snap of your shameful display on my world-famous blog at www.nickerblog.com, where I look ever so rugged and manly on the masthead.
Wil: Or perhaps I'll be forced to post it at my award-winning blog at wilwheaton.net, where I can't blog right now because I'm having too much fun posting at my equally-popular blog wilwheaton.typepad.com.
Annie pulls herself together.
Annie: How did you do that?
Shane: Do what?
Annie: How did you make a link when you talk?
Shane: Oh, it's quite elementary when you're a blogger, Annie.
Wil: Yes, quite.
Shane: Quite!
Wil: Quite.
Annie: Okay, okay, okay. You win. I'll keep my blog. It will be at jesusfavorite.typead.com.
Wil: Don't you mean jesusfavorite.typepad.com?
Shane: Now, my good man, you needn't mock the poor girl when she's down. Give her time to learn.
Wil: You're right. My apologies, Annie.
Annie: Apologies?
Wil: Apologies.
The camera slowly pulls back from the table, through the window, and into the street. The rest of the storefronts are dark, and only the restaurant casts light onto the sidewalk. A car drives past in the foreground, and we
FADE TO BLACK.
Well, that's the way I remember it, anyway. Annie has a slightly different recollection of that fateful night, but the details aren't that important. What is important, is that Annie has kept her blog, even if she doesn't update it nearly as regularly as she should, and filled it with hilarious visions from her twisted imagination:
While Shane and Wil are busy watching 'nerdia' for the 18th million time today, and planning their poker poopy party in Vegas...Jesus' favorite is busy plotting her next move.
Never fear nerdy Mc Nerd-O-Sins, I'm not scared of your lame threats.
wil writes:
"We're coming for you, Annie. We have a +3 cape of kicking your ass, and a scroll of Hawesome. You'd better make your save vs. nerds, or you're totally going to lose a level."
Ohhhhh......you have '+3 capes?' Is one of them Harry's invisibility cloak? Please no. Do you have McGonagles underwear in there too? I'm sooooo scared. 'A scroll of Hawesome?' I have a scroll of 'REAL ENGLISH WORDS.' And oh, what does it say?COMPUTING....
...boo bitty blah blah bicko bicko jabba the hut in your butt deep pitty peep peep i do podcasts blackey blacky blacky full house double down i'm in vegas i love wil look at the hookers my name is shane i'm on hiatus clackity mc nugget pants...
Oh Annie. Oh dear, sweet, lovely, talented, tap-dancing Annie. I tried to warn you. Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Elbow.
And.
Send.
